Hello everyone. I have to start by saying that I’m happy I found these boards but by no means am I happy to be here! I have been lurking around for at least a month now. I thought I would be able to get some great Ideas by just reading other peoples situations but, based on where I am in my relationship now I think I could use some feedback so here we go.
First some background M 38 W 32 SS 14 S9 T 11y M 2y. I’ll try to give you the cliff note version of my story. In April of 2010 my wife dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb and said she was going to move out. I, of course, being the stubborn fool I can be told her, “Fine do it you need to tell the kids so we can get this done!” When she actually took the boys aside and told them that she was no longer in love with me and that she was going to move out I was dumbfounded! She told me she felt she was prisoner in her own life and no longer wanted to feel that way .
As the situation started to unfold I panicked and did what I’m sure so many before me have done, I went into the pathetic begging and pleading role telling her that she was making a big mistake and focusing on what a bad mother she was to even think about doing this to our boys!
Well as things happen to go it turned out that she could not afford to move out yet so we decided we would give things one more chance for the sake of the kids. At that time we had decided that we were going to stop sending our kids to private school and move into a neighborhood that had a much better school system. All of that went off easily and we settled in to our new home.
As far as our relationship went, we began to see a MC and my wife began to go to IC I thought things were going in a pretty decent direction.
MC didn’t seem to go very well, It seemed to me that she was going just to be able to say that she tried all she could and that there was no way for us to work things out I felt she wanted to be able to soften the guilt of leaving. I was quite demanding that I wanted to hear from her that she was willing to work things out before I wasted anytime with all of this stuff. Needless to say I had a very immature approach to this entire situation. She could never say that she was willing to work things out or that she even thought it was possible and this infuriated me!
During this time she focused on “doing things with her friends” and in my eyes distanced herself completely from our family. She became very secretive and it got to the point that my S9 was even asking why mom liked spending time with her friends more than us. She also decided that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with my side of the family and has not seen any of them in over a year now.
I began to get very suspicious of everything and started looking into cell phone bills and anything else that would give me clues of what was going on. At the same time I was working on changing the behaviors that my wife, and to be honest I, thought were not very good for our relationship. I not only started to do more around the house I pretty much became OC and took over doing everything at home. I had been that way through my single years and when my wife came into my life I backed off completely assuming it was a role she wanted to have in our relationship. All this did was give her more time for her and her friends. My suspicion was finally brought to light on of all days Halloween 2010. I picked up the netbook we have and went to type in a ULR address when I saw a message come up that she had a new message from some guy. I then decided to go into her email account were I read an email from OM stating that the night before was a lot of fun and that he loved her so much! Needless to say I lost it. In my eyes I had been putting in so much effort the past few much and she had been living a lie! Later that evening I confronted her with the information and she swore that it was only an emotional affair, then she admitted that she had kissed him and that was it.
She swore she would never talk to him again and as I was packing a bag for me to leave she asked me not to go. I of course asked why? She told me that if I leave she loses everything, including a good man.
I decided I would stay and do my best to work it out. We continued to go to MC but I had a hard time believing she only had an EA I couldn’t get past that it didn’t make sense to me. She had been putting a lot of effort into our relationship she we were actually having intimate moments together and we had even started sleeping together again. We also got to the point that we were having 2 date nights a month one set up by her and one by me, things really started looking good!
No matter how good things seemed to be getting I felt that I needed to know the entire truth in order to make a solid decision on staying or going, no matter what it had to be based on facts. My foolish pride could not let things be. Fast forwarding a bit, in January of this year I put some effort and money into finding out the truth, and the truth I got! She had been having a PA. I was devastated again; I couldn’t understand why she would want to prolong my pain and not just be honest with me. I still don’t have the answer to that question.
I began to relive the hurt and pain all over again and I began to lash out at her. I threatened that I was going to take everything the she loved in her life, our boys. I told her that I needed a break from MC so I could decide what I wanted to do. I also told her that I was not interested in having a physical relationship with her. I wanted her to feel the pain I was going through, every chance I got I would throw the affair in her face and tell her what a horrible wife and mother she was because she did the most selfish thing anyone could possibly do. I not only threatened divorce I had all the paperwork ready to go. I was a basic A$$. No doubt about it.
I think that I finally came to my senses on Easter Sunday. Our Pastor’s sermon was based on living life as if we truly believed Easter had happened. I began to think about how Jesus had been crucified to open the gates to heaven and have us all be forgiven for our sins and I was not living the life I should be living. I was not being the forgiving Christian I knew I should be.
That afternoon I asked GOD to forgive me and to give me the strength to forgive myself for what I had done to this woman that I knew I loved so much. A few minutes later I broke down crying like a baby and I apologized to my wife for what I had been doing to her I also promised that I would never throw the kids or the A in her face again.
Moving this story up to today, I have come to the realization that I am still deeply in love with my wife. I have toiled with the questions in my head; do I want this for the right reasons? Am I doing this just for the sake of the Boys? The answers to the questions have all come back as no. I truly want to spend the remainder of my days with my wife as my partner.
I’m not sure that this is possible with where we stand today. My W is still living with us but she sleeps in a different room. She states that she is seriously saving money to get a place where she can have the boys spend time with her as well. I have really driven a major wedge between us with all of the hurtful things I have done to her. Prior to the PA her major complaint about me was that she never got any help around the house and that I would never spend any time with her. The doing things around the house have changed but we still don’t do anything with just her and I because she is not willing to.
I feel that if she really wanted out she would have left by now. She states that she can’t afford to leave. When she first brought this up I told her that her happiness was very important to me, and that if moving out was going to make her happy she could take the money in the bank and get a place. She refused.
She says that she has given up all hope one ever being in any kind of loving relationship and she want out so she could focus on her and the boys without having to worry about hurting anyone else. She also feels as if she is not good enough for me. She has stated many times that there is no way she could love me the way I need to be loved or deserve to be loved. Bottom line, I feel she has a self esteem issue that I have played a major role in, directly and indirectly.
I have read DB, DR, Love Languages, The Secrets of Happily Married men, After the Affair, Fighting for your Marriage and I’m currently reading Hold Me Tight.
I have begun to put some of the DB’ing things into play. I have lost 40lbs since this all started and I’m looking pretty good, If I do say so myself! I have started hiking and playing golf again and basically GAL. I am trying hard not to call her and see how things are going but it was something I always did on a regular basis so it’s hard to kick the habit. I started seeing an IC that focuses on Spiritual counseling and SFBC. I really don’t want to leave any stone unturned. I know that we both have to learn to trust each other and really try to get an emotional connection going between us. I’m not sure how to do that if I’m supposed to give her all the space she needs and not talk about our relationship. Any help from all you wise people on this board would be greatly appreciated.
Wow Lost! Its ironic that you and I had the exact same thing happen on the same night. Mine in Canada and yours in Calif.
I did so many things wrong as well. I was soooo bitter and despite wanting her back, pushed her away. She chose the OM over me despite 17 years of marriage and two sons but here is where I want to help you.
You need to forgive her and that is the hardest thing to do. You dont have to ever admit that you are ok with the affair, but you have to own your part in it and have to forgive what she has done if you ever wish to move forward. To have this hanging over her head is not healthy for either of you.
I am still struggling with this especially since she is still with OM but you have to have a straight talk with you W with no emotions and find out where she is at IMO. The only trouble is , they are so capable of lying. Im not sure if I can really trust my w again. Time would help with her being good however, there will always be soemthing there that I would have to deal with.
Good luck with everything.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
She also feels as if she is not good enough for me. She has stated many times that there is no way she could love me the way I need to be loved or deserve to be loved. Bottom line, I feel she has a self esteem issue that I have played a major role in, directly and indirectly.
I understand this completely. My wife has said that to me before and I am sure in some ways I have contributed
.....We also got to the point that we were having 2 date nights a month one set up by her and one by me, things really started looking good!
No matter how good things seemed to be getting I felt that I needed to know the entire truth in order to make a solid decision on staying or going, no matter what it had to be based on facts. My foolish pride could not let things be.
...I was a basic A$$. No doubt about it.
I think that I finally came to my senses on Easter Sunday. Our Pastor’s sermon was based on living life as if we truly believed Easter had happened. I began to think about how Jesus had been crucified to open the gates to heaven and have us all be forgiven for our sins and I was not living the life I should be living. I was not being the forgiving Christian I knew I should be.
That afternoon I asked GOD to forgive me and to give me the strength to forgive myself for what I had done to this woman that I knew I loved so much. A few minutes later I broke down crying like a baby and I apologized to my wife for what I had been doing to her I also promised that I would never throw the kids or the A in her face again.
....I have really driven a major wedge between us with all of the hurtful things I have done to her.
...She says that she has given up all hope one ever being in any kind of loving relationship and she want out so she could focus on her and the boys without having to worry about hurting anyone else. She also feels as if she is not good enough for me. She has stated many times that there is no way she could love me the way I need to be loved or deserve to be loved. Bottom line, I feel she has a self esteem issue that I have played a major role in, directly and indirectly.
I have read DB, DR, Love Languages, The Secrets of Happily Married men, After the Affair, Fighting for your Marriage and I’m currently reading Hold Me Tight.
I have begun to put some of the DB’ing things into play. I have lost 40lbs since this all started and I’m looking pretty good, If I do say so myself! I have started hiking and playing golf again and basically GAL. I am trying hard not to call her and see how things are going but it was something I always did on a regular basis so it’s hard to kick the habit. I started seeing an IC that focuses on Spiritual counseling and SFBC. ...
Congratulations on getting in touch with yourself and the things that you did to tear down your relationship. My heart goes out to you. Finding out that your W was having a PA had to be really hard and would be difficult even for a saint to properly handle. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Ultimately, all you can do is prove to her with your actions that you are a changed and better man, one that she would miss being around. It will be her call as to whether she forgives you or not and whether she wants to try to make the marriage work or not. This is assuming that you (as you have said) truly have forgiven her. You also need to learn to forgive yourself and blame the poor relationship choices on a person who had not studied all the relationship books that the "new you" has studied.
My real suggestion would be to work your kids into your GAL a little more. Do fun things with them and invite your wife, but also don't pressure her to participate in activities. Arrange for weekend or afterwork golf or hiking trips with you kids and ask your wife if she would like to join you. Maybe get some used bicyles at a local St Vincent DePaul store and take your kids out for early evening bicylce trips.
You sound like you have read the right books and done some hard introspection. Good for you. Counseling is also important.
I would add to your reading list a book by [edited by dbmod: reference not recommended/not allowed ] It is all about GAL and becoming a better, more integrated man in a world where so many in authority are women. You owe it to yourself and your children to read it.
Again. Good luck to you.
Last edited by dbmod; 11/10/1101:37 AM.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Thank you all for wishing me luck, it's appreciated. I figured i would try responding to each of you below
Hi Sandi2 Thanks for the welcome and the response. As far as I know she is no longer conducting an A. That is a line she knows I will not allow to be crossed, If I found out she was still having an A I would file for divorce no questions asked. Her behavior is not really consistent in my eyes. Currently she seems kinda dead, or more like I’m a ghost. We communicate quite well when it comes to our kids. Sometimes when we are in a room together she can still joke around, laugh and just talk about work or whatever comes up. As an example, I had a bad day yesterday and it continued after I got home, I decided to go for a walk and just let my mind wander a bit. As I left the house I said, “See you guys later, I’m going for a walk.” Walked out of the house and started walking down the street. Next thing I know, I see her walking down the street behind me trying to catch up, when she caught up, she asked me why I was so angry. I explained things to her, and she was very understanding. I was shocked that she actually came after me. Usually she is the one going for the walk and I ask if she would like company. The usual response is “I don’t care, it doesn’t matter to me.” She does work a full time job she brings in about a third of the income that I bring in. It is possible for her to save money; I’m just not sure if she really wants to. The health thing is something I have wanted to work on for some time; I figured I should just take advantage of all the weight loss from the stress!
9- Thanks for the response and the sharing your situation. I realize that I not only have to forgive her but I really need to mean it! The thing that has really helped me is my faith in GOD. I truly believe that this is something that GOD had planned for me so that I could become the man that I am supposed to be. If I believe that, than I must believe that one of the lessons I had to learn was forgiveness. I am in a good place with that at this point. The biggest issue I currently see is my W has not forgiven herself. She thinks that some of the comments I make at time are jabs at her that prove that I haven’t forgiven her. All I would like to do is move forward. I believe that trust is more of a decision than a process. I have to decide to trust her. The question that resonates is to what level!
Hollowed- Thanks for the response. I know for a fact that I have had a part in it, but that is it a part! I cannot control how someone else feels, so I’ll own my part in it and try to help her build up her self- confidence. Young- thanks for the response. I have come to the conclusion that at any given time I am doing the best I possibly can based on circumstances and the knowledge I have at that moment. As for being hard on myself, hindsight is 20/20, if I just would have handled things a bit differently I may have been in a better place right now with my relationship but then I have to refer myself back to the 2nd sentence! Vicious cycle! I have forgiven myself; it’s the only way for me to be focused on true personal growth! I regularly do thing with my kids. My children have been the center of my universe for years! As a matter of fact, I think that there has been a major imbalance overall. I mentioned the things that I am doing for myself that I was not taking care of before. I regularly invite her to do things with us but it is hit and misses. I try not to pressure her and its getting easier not to, the one that puts pressure on her is S9, and he is the sensitive one who adores doing things as a family. I’ll put that book on my list; will be the next one I read.
Forrest- Still here, I hadn’t received any responses and work has been hectic- 10hr days with 1.5 hr commute each way, I’ll be checking in more often.
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
Well, I know it will be a while before this gets posted but I really need to get this out.
I really hate when the tough days come around, Just when I feel like I am getting stronger and detaching I get hit with some thoughts that send me in a downward spiral. The thing that really gets me is the fact that they are just thoughts, things in my head that I should be able to have full control over!
Why is it so difficult to control?
I look in the eyes of my kids,and although I am doing everything i can posssibly do to give them a good life, I at times feel like I am failing as a father because I cannot give them a stable home with two parents like they deserve.
I know that all the responsibility does not fall on me, but I still feel like I should be doing more.
Why is it that the woman I so dearly love and have for so long can say she doesnt see any hope in us starting a new relationship? I realize no one but her can give me the answer, but it's a questions I probably shouldnt ask.
I have to say that today my hope tank is running on fumes and I am ready to call it quits, I have been going through this for over a year and it is just plain exhausting. I will pray for more strength and hope, and see what the LORD sends my way.
Well,just writing this out makes me feel a little better, but just a little.
M 38 W 32 T 11 M 2 SS 14 S 9 ILYBNILWY March/2010 EA found out Oct 2010 PA found out Jan 2011 living together alone
