Making some plans for the next few weeks. I had clear plans in the past and that always helped me. If not, I let my emotions control my actions.
Next few days - stay dark and live my life.
Jun 23 - STBX 41st birthday and the 23rd anniversary of the day we met. I am going to give her a generic card (not a mushy to my wife one). I am working on the script now. Nothing too emotional, but recognizing the day and where we were 23 years ago and one year ago, but also the reality of where we are today.
Just before I leave for vacation on July 6 - Send an email outlining the financial details on buying her out of the house. I will not do that without the divorce being final at the same time. I am also going to confirm that she will continue to pay me $500 per child as long as they live with me. I intend to clearly state that while I still believe divorce is wrong that it's now the only choice and require that to buy her out.
July 6-13 - Visit an old friend in Calgary and attend the Stampede. That will give me a full week to prepare for her response to the email, but at the same time, take a break from all of this.
If things go the way they should, we will be divorced by end of year, but I will still be in my house with my kids, getting $1000 per month from her, financially stable, healthy and finally have closure.
Any thoughts or advice as I enter the Big D phase?
I will just say that you continue to reference "staying dark", letting go doesn't require you to focus on staying dark, if you're letting go, you don't have to worry about staying dark, making contact, etc. You're just living your life at that point and you can relax instead of reacting emotionally and feeling down & depressed every time you make contact with your wife.
[quote}\]...Jun 23 - STBX 41st birthday and the 23rd anniversary of the day we met. I am going to give her a generic card (not a mushy to my wife one). I am working on the script now. Nothing too emotional, but recognizing the day and where we were 23 years ago and one year ago, but also the reality of where we are today.[/quote]
I would say if you want to get her a birthday card, go ahead and wish her a happy birthday, you've spent your life together with this person up until this point, wishing them a happy birthday is not against the law but I would leave out the script, recognizing 23rd anniversary and the reality of where you are today and all that other business, YOU may think it's nothing but I'm sure your wife will see it as you being clingy, needy, over emotional - does that help or hurt your goals? Also, that pretty much defeats your detachment process.
Quote:
...Just before I leave for vacation on July 6 - Send an email outlining the financial details on buying her out of the house. I will not do that without the divorce being final at the same time. I am also going to confirm that she will continue to pay me $500 per child as long as they live with me. I intend to clearly state that while I still believe divorce is wrong that it's now the only choice and require that to buy her out.
Sending an email outlining the financial details on buying her out of the house, that would be fine. Instead of divorce you may want to consider legal separation so that you can still accomplish these things and also separate your debt legally, any debt accumulated after the legal separation is in place will be your own and her own, debt accumulated prior to the legal separation is still shared jointly. As for the child support, one of your kids is over 18, I doubt you will be able to force her to pay $500 for that one, in fact, $500 per kid seems pretty steep to me, why so much? The reality is, if she see's a lawyer, based on her income, she may be able to substantially reduce what she's paying you now. It would different if the kids were little but let's be honest, they're much older now, they more self sufficient, unless that money is going to help pay their college tuitions, I doubt you need that much money to feed them and clothe them on a monthly basis. Kids those ages usually have part time jobs for spending money.
Quote:
...I intend to clearly state that while I still believe divorce is wrong that it's now the only choice and require that to buy her out.
It's kind of hard to be congruent with a statement like that if you are the one pursuing divorce, it just doesn't make sense, your wife will probably just read that and roll her eyes and think you've lost a few marbles. It also clearly shows how much you're still attached to her emotionally and trying to make her feel guilty and she doesn't feel guilty anymore, the cats out of the bag, people know about it, the kids know about it, it's not a secret anymore and trying to make someone feel guilty is controlling and manipulative.
Selling the house may be another way to let go of the bad feelings associated with all of this. This is a house that you both lived in for quite some time, raised kids in, experienced quite a few different things in, etc. There are a lot of emotions tied to that house, living in the place probably reminds you of everything you've gone through. Possibly it's time to consider selling the house and getting a new place free from the painful memories - a fresh start for you too because even though you don't come out and literally say it, you sound very hurt still.
I am prepared for just about anything now. Signing the actual documents will be tough and I suspect I will shed more than a tear. However, it is the only option for ME at this point.
No hope from the governor for us. I will ready myself and best I can. The one thing I will make clear is that I still think our divorce is wrong and that I still believe our family belongs in tact, but that since she feels otherwise, I have accepted that and will legally and financially give her freedom to her.
I am prepared for just about anything now. But, I still expect I will shed more than a tear in the office. I still don't want this divorce, but STBX does. Now, it's about making the best possible future for me and my kids.
