Good morning LP ltns.......after reading your last few posts I understand a little bit better where your coming from.
My family didn't yell and scream...they just didnt communicate at all. " If you dont talk about it, I guess nothing was wrong " Sorta like burying your head in the sand, Until that did not work anymore then all heck would break loose. My Dad had a couple of breakdowns, which we were told He was tired and needed quiet and to leave him alone???
I didn't realize what was happening with him until much later in life.
Your goals I think need to be a litte more defined....and then stick to them. " Stop the pain and remove myself from the stich. " ?? How do you plan on stopping the pain?
Pain goes hand and hand with seperation / Divorce. so.... feel it, work thru it...then concentrate on you. Keep up with your gal"ing and step back.
I have said several times on these boards about how my hubby stepped back, and gave me time and space to the point of Letting me miss him. Best thing he ever did. Be mysterious...Shes watching......
JMHO.......go with a friend, have a ball....let loose, and be careful! If you go with your wife I think yor gonna be walking on egg shells, and worring too much to enjoy yourself
Goals? Plans? You mean flying by the seat of the pants doesn't work?
Yes, I do need to refine my goals. This has often been both my strongest and weakest skills. I used to be a programmer which entails breaking down the tasks into smaller and smaller chunks until you get to the individual lines of code. I was pretty good at that. Interpersonal goals, much harder for me. That requires introspection, and that's something I've always dreaded. Who knows what's hiding in the dusty cobwebs and dark crevices of my brain?
Also, DG, I have an extra ticket for Soundgarden... all you have to do is get to Toronto
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
One thing I know about myself that needs to change is my passive-aggressive tendencies. The emails from W were both p-a and my first response was a little passive. Rather than hinting at what I want ('well, what do you want') I'm slowly training myself to be firm. Given that, my response was
(get those 2x4s ready)
I'd prefer your company.
That is what I want. I also want a pony, but that's outside the scope of this board.
I forgot to mention that my co-worker and one of her friends are parking at my apartment and walking to the concert with me. This will keep both W and I on better behaviour.
Outside of this, I still am not ready to be around W but at some point it will happen. We have a core group of common friends and live in the same (albeit large) college town. We're both going to a friend's wedding reception in three weeks.
Am I making a mistake? Only time will tell.
Am I setting the stage for some pleasant memories with W? Definitely. Does this keep the road home smooth and paved? Yep. Does this get me closer to my goal? Er, well, it would if I had goals
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Am I setting the stage for some pleasant memories with W? Definitely. Does this keep the road home smooth and paved? Yep. Does this get me closer to my goal? Er, well, it would if I had goals [/quote
Am I asking and then answering my own questions, like Donald Rumsfeld used to do? Absolutely.
Why did I change my mind? Bc I'm convinced that your goal is to still save your M. You have had a few weeks of complete darkness. I think that it might be good to have some contact with her that is fun, stress free, and with no R pressure.
Just go and 180 your a$$ off. Go be the best, most exciting, and fun LP that you have in you.
Lastly, if it hasn't already been established that she is going with you by the time that you read this....
Be confident and sure about what you want... don't put it in her hands.
"Yes, I want you to go with me. Would you like to go get some dinner beforehand?"
Sorry about the flip flop, but this is a tough call.
BITS Denver
P.S. Your goal of removing yourself from the pain... I don't believe that we can avoid the pain LP. I think that Sunny is right on that. You detach with love... but also keep your eye on the prize (goal)... the hardest balancing act you will ever have!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I guess what I meant about removing myself from the pain wasn't quite right. More like remove myself from the drama, which was just adding more pain on top of the sitch.
Obviously, there's still lots of hurt, but it's on my terms and mine to go through. Yes, a month without contact was hard, but it was also very helpful. It pretty much forced me to concentrate on what I'm doing, not W or what she's doing. I'm living my life for me now, not for her.
What I do find interesting is the timing of all this. I sent MIL an email yesterday (see previous page) where I said that if W didn't want to go I had other people in mind that would. Twelve hours later, W asks if there's anyone else I'd rather take... hmmm. I think she also saw me driving by on the main road yesterday. Might have got her thinking about me. Who knows. might all be coincidence.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
What I do find interesting is the timing of all this. I sent MIL an email yesterday (see previous page) where I said that if W didn't want to go I had other people in mind that would. Twelve hours later, W asks if there's anyone else I'd rather take... hmmm. I think she also saw me driving by on the main road yesterday. Might have got her thinking about me. Who knows. might all be coincidence.
Oh I would pretty much assume that everything you tell your MIL gets back to your wife, and act/speak accordingly. Not everything will, of course, but it's the best way to live in any case.
