I think you should accept the day pass and go enjoy your kids. If you rejected the Father's Day gift it would make you look like a jerk b/c it's suppose to be from them.
I can only guess how difficult it must be with four children split between parents. She can't go dark about them. Maybe you could suggest a weekly summer schedule that would require texting each other on a particular day each time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Agree with the pass, Sandi. And, when talking with my brother yesterday, he too, suggested setting up a summer schedule. He has been great to talk to lately as he has been through his own hell with addiction and came out the outher side and is now helping others.
He loves the going dark strategy and believes when w parents leave and stop enabling, the cards will eventually fall for her but I need to keep working on me FOR ME because I am at rock bottom and w is cushioned from a lot. When she falls..I'll be strong. She and the kids just moved this weekend into the house her parents bought her and was pretty snippy on the phone with me when she called about household stuff. I was very nice, validated her and am working on being unpredictable.
This evening, I have the kids for awhile. Should be intereting with what the new neighbors have been told and how this proceeds in her new neighborhood where 6 co-workers live (teachers) and is 2 minutes from her job.
Below, is an email I sent prior to going dark..fyi.
Hey- Just wanted to follow up about the awkward exchange last week. I will be making a genuine, concerted effort for you to not feel pressured into repairing our marriage even though it is what I feel is best. I love you for who you [are] not for what you do/are doing. You know my position and want an honest second chance. Until hopefully having that chance, all I can do is pray and be the best I can. Thank you for expressing your feelings. Enjoy the memorial day weekend. Mike
Saw kids last night and pick up and drop off went well considering..first time at their new house. Went out to eat then to the city's multi-playground campus, beautiful night! W engaged me with much more communication than usual after the drop off of kids. I was dressed in work clothes so she questioned what's new on that front. Could be because I've been dark, who knows? I still see that look in her eyes that says she loves me, but the last few times I saw her there were no wedding rings on her hand. Must admit, feel like going dark may push her farther.
My only advice....don't worry too much about what she feels. The goal is to do what makes you and the kids happy right now.
If she still loves you, being mysterious right now is a GOOD thing. Don't feel you owe her...YOU owe yourself to be the best you possible. That does make them intrigued you know? TIME and advice. Keep posting....Sandi is awesome man...you have NO idea. Post and listen.
Thanks FaithnAK. I believe I'm doing much better considering...fairly new at going dark. Have not bought up anything about the relatinship in two weeks. Only the kids and talk about her recent move, mystuff/hers, etc. and have been nothing bu validating, helpful, and nice and it feels good!
So weird that her parents made the move with her (they're)newly retired and have been with her since Feb. Enabling..but I can't can't control that. Just think I should be there, not them, you know? 180's: looking for work outside of my consulting business (stress for her) accepting invites to dinner with friends going to gym more reading books for ME hikes activities with kids of my choosing just practicing being in the moment and choosing happiness
Hey- Just wanted to follow up about the awkward exchange last week. I will be making a genuine, concerted effort for you to not feel pressured into repairing our marriage even though it is what I feel is best. I love you for who you [are] not for what you do/are doing. You know my position and want an honest second chance. Until hopefully having that chance, all I can do is pray and be the best I can. Thank you for expressing your feelings. Enjoy the memorial day weekend.
I would suggest that you do not send any more messages like this one. As a former WAW, I think I can assure you that she will feel very pressured by these words and that is what will cause her to pull away.....not going dark. Whenever you profess your undying love and remind her that you don't want what's happening, it is pursuing and it does not work.
Not to bring you down, Mike, but you need to expect things to get worse before they get better. Taking her rings off is nothing compared to what you may have to face. Work on your mental strength so that you won't be crushed whenever something like this happens. Just keep telling yourself that she has to hit rock bottom before she'll start climbing up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey- Just wanted to follow up about the awkward exchange last week. I will be making a genuine, concerted effort for you to not feel pressured into repairing our marriage even though it is what I feel is best. I love you for who you [are] not for what you do/are doing. You know my position and want an honest second chance. Until hopefully having that chance, all I can do is pray and be the best I can. Thank you for expressing your feelings. Enjoy the memorial day weekend.
I would suggest that you do not send any more messages like this one. As a former WAW, I think I can assure you that she will feel very pressured by these words and that is what will cause her to pull away.....not going dark. Whenever you profess your undying love and remind her that you don't want what's happening, it is pursuing and it does not work.
Not to bring you down, Mike, but you need to expect things to get worse before they get better. Taking her rings off is nothing compared to what you may have to face. Work on your mental strength so that you won't be crushed whenever something like this happens. Just keep telling yourself that she has to hit rock bottom before she'll start climbing up.
Agree with Sandi. Messages like that are simultaneously "pursuing" and "needy," and neither is attractive to your wife. Throw in a little "holier-than-thou," too, and it's not a good combination.
Agreed. Just giving all some more background and that post was right before going dark. I'm doing OK and am really starting to recognize how this is a one day, one moment at a time ordeal. Thinking on working on me and actually doing and being better, are different.
W just moved last weekend with the kids to new house..I believe her stress levels will start to subside, but who cares, really? See, I just caught myself! It's about me and the kids now damnit..
Thanks Sandi-I'm gonna need you guys/girls through this.
lol, thanks Starsky. Also, @Sandi, for W to hit rock bottom, the in-laws REALLY need to get out of the picture. They are still there and next month ALL are going on a disney cruise (which I was suppose to be on). I suspect they will pull away somewhat after that.
W has been sooo protected form her enablers and co-workers..
