Understand your pain. Polite, pleasant, and entirely platonic. My W seems to want to interact, wants to do things, but is keeping a distance. I am assuming this is because she is sticking with her game plan of D and moving on, but I would think at some point she would need to detach from me. Only time will tell.
I think being under the same roof is good, although painful at times. I am beginning to recognize what life without W would be like. Sharing our space right now is fine,as it is necessary if any reconciliation is going to happen. I also know it will not last forever. Both you and I need to get out of the back eddy we find ourselves in and move onward, with or without them. It is only a matter of time. Remember that and be strong.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Journaling / venting / whatever you wish to call it...
Thanks to all for the encouragement and wisdom. It's the oasis in the desert here.
Since my mood and self-confidence continue to ebb and flow, I allowed myself to think about what it is that is eating away at me the most (give me a little latitude here; it feels good to write it down)...
The EA? No; he's an unemployed factory worker with a drinking problem who lives 1500 miles away and depends on my W to send him money.
The deception and lying? That's a biggie, but it's not what is the most troublesome.
Loss of intimacy? Frustrating, but not paralyzing.
My W was my best friend and I was hers, even by her own admission. We had great times and nightmarish times just like everyone else in the world. Each of us was only a touch, a shout or a phone call away from the other. In my eyes and the eyes of our friends, we were the true "soulmates."
So I think what will be the hardest thing to get over is the loss of my best friend. Even before we were married, I told her she did not need to cook for me, clean the house for me, do my laundry...I could do all of those things myself. All I wanted was for her to love me for me; nothing more, nothing less. But somewhere along the way we stopped being the persons each other fell in love with. We lost respect for each other, and distrusted each other. My W told me recently that she had not felt safe - emotionally, not physically - with me for years,and that is when she stopped loving me.
A hard lesson to learn with a big price to pay.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Your comments on loss of best friend resonate strongly with me. I feel much the same. The critical issue is "that is when she stopped loving me". Can we ever regain that love? That is the main point. It is all we want. I hope to hell we can get it back, and I won't keep trying until there is longer even a shred of hope. For now, there is a lot of hope left for both of us. Keep faith in yourself, who you have been in the past, who you are now, and who you will be in the future. You are a good person who lost his way, similar to myself. We CAN start again. They are not yet lost to us. Try to keep that notion in focus. I have to.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
That's what it is for me, too, Telemark. Nothing else matters other than losing my best friend. Yeah, we can say we are going stay friends through this, etc., but it's not the same. When I said I would love her for better or worse, really meant it, even the for worse part. It's on! I'm pulling for you Telemark!
Thanks, Ac & jbnati. I'm pulling for youse guys, too.
So...W's nephew and his GF arrive tomorrow afternoon. They are staying until Tuesday AM. W has some plans for the 3 of them, but there will be down time here at home. I'm debating whether to make myself scarce, because it's the nephew's mother - W's older sister - who is telling W what she wants to hear, and right now I'm not feeling real sociable toward him. Or...do I put on the happy face and act like there is absolutely nothing wrong (although he knows what is going on)and be the consummate host? I'm afraid that may come across as fake, because it will be a real stretch for me.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Not an easy one, Telemark. I don't think it would be a bad thing to start making some alternate GAL plans. However, when you're there, be the best Telemark you can be. That may eliminate some time that you'd spend auditioning for your oscar.
However, another thought - what would be more of the same behavior? What would be something you could do differently when the nephew comes to visit? What would be a 180? I'm not sure you should be too worried about it being the son of your W's D coach coming over, unless he is more involved with his Mom's thoughts than would be typical at that age. Just some random thoughts....
Tele, The pull wanting to touch someone you have been touching and loving for years does not go away. I think even with detachment you can be next to them and feel the pull like gravity. Just remember that if you are in control of yourself even if you are just telling yourself that you have the upper hand. Remember to pay attention to even the smallest goals.. I have found it VERY helpful to journal myself. It gets out the feelings then you can look back at your good moments when you have a bad one.
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
It's true...God does work in mysterious and wonderful ways...
Been mildly stressing over what to do this weekend with W's family visiting; I'd prefer to be as absent as possible just to avoid any awkwardness. One of the VP's of our sister construction company called me this morning, offering a free invitation to the York Revolution baseball game tonight, to be enjoyed in the corporate skybox w/ free food and drink.
Not 5 minutes later, got another call from a good friend inviting me for dinner tomorrow night, followed by an evening at a local club to hear another friend's band.
And Sunday will be an afternoon spent with my awesome D and S, followed by dinner at the Iron Hill Brewery in Lancaster.
I'm starting to enjoy this GAL stuff...
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Weekend was enjoyable; went to the ball game Friday night, out for dinner and live music Saturday night and dinner & movie - "X-Men: First Class" - with S and D yesterday. Actually did not see W, her nephew and his GF all weekend until last night when I got home from Fathers' Day dinner. Nephew and GF were polite and pleasant as we said hello...W acted like I was not even there. I should expect nothing from her, but her coolness toward me was somewhat surprising.
A few minutes later W pulled out the Scrabble game and invited nephew and GF to play; another zinger since W and I played Scrabble a lot during the good days of our M. I went upstairs and spent the evening in my room reading and thinking...
We were two dysfunctional people from dysfunctional families and dysfunctional marriages who found each other and thought we were the answers to each other's prayers. We went too fast with everything, not stopping to really look at each other or ourselves. It was not long after we said "I do" that the wheels started to come off. I thought about the little signs of trouble that kept appearing, the added stress of dealing with a special-needs child and my own faults and insecurities.
And for the first time, I realized that W probably felt trapped from day one. That realization, coupled with her current attitude toward me, make me think there is very little hope of saving this R. If she didn't love me the way a wife should love her husband in the 9 1/2 years we were married, what could possibly happen that would cause her to love me now?
And even if she did agree to stay, I would always wonder if it was out of a sincere desire to make it work, or a sense of resigned guilt and obligation. She hid her true feelings very well for years; she could probably continue to do that into the future.
I don't know. Maybe this is the start of my dropping the rope. One one hand, I think I have not given this enough time to see where it is going. On the other hand, it seems like a hopeless situation; one where I should just cut our losses.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
