Dark Side of the Moon

[LearningPatience]

Journaling on a related subject (me):

got an email yesterday from MIL where she sent me a link to a video from Dr Harville Hendrix dealing with communication issues. My response back:

I've watched the videos you linked and I found them very insightful. I want to say I've read something from Dr. Hendrix, but I don't remember what (not like I've read many relationship books lately).

Communications between W and I were horrible. I'll be the first to admit that. There is a dynamic called pursuit and withdrawal (or something similar) where one partner brings up an issue and the other partner, upon hearing (potentially) painful things withdraws and does not participate in those discussions. I am a classic withdrawer. I want the world to be sunshine and roses, so when it isn't and I'm involved, I don't want to talk about it.

For myself, the problems probably stem from my childhood. I was *not* encouraged to share my feelings; in fact, some classic lines included "I'll give you something to cry about" and "get over it". When down, I had no one to turn to to help make myself feel better, and I learned that if I just played along, no matter how I felt, that life would be smoother.

As you also know, I was emotionally abused as a child. When someone raises their voice to me and/or scolds me, I feel like a two year old. Now, I know this and know that I need to stand up for myself when this happens, but so many times I forget this while it is happening. I know this behaviour stops when I assert myself, but I haven't reached the point yet where I do this consistently or automatically. W and I got to the point in our relationship where it seemed like every little thing I did pissed her off, and the more upset she got, the more I withdrew into my shell, feeling two feet tall.

Our Retrovaille weekend was supposed to foster deeper communication between us. W was so upset by the weekend though that we never followed through on the lessons they taught us.

At this point, I feel like I'm in a catch-22: I can't open up and feel comfortable with someone until I feel safe, but I won't feel safe with someone until I make the emotional connection needed, which includes opening up and exposing myself.

I guess this is a long winded way of saying thank you for sharing the link If you're around the next couple of days I can drop W's things off. I'll drop off her concert ticket also. If she doesn't want to go, I know other people that wouldn't mind. Talk to you later!