Logically, I believe that H loves me, wants to stop the verbal attacks, and enjoy spending the rest of our lives as a happy couple.
However, emotionally, I AM at a turning point. Each time I forgive an outburst, my artist's soul withers a bit more.
My work requires me to be creative, and that I can still fake if I don't feel it, but I used to wake up with inspiration each day, my head swimming with ideas to create. I painted, I designed, I lived in a visual world that didn't exist yet - and I couldn't wait to make it real.
I no longer care about my visual environment, writing, or creating. I miss that.
I think that all of my internal energy is focused on surviving, keeping the peace, and not setting H off. I can't live that way any longer. It's interesting to me that when he goes away, my creative energy returns.
H used to love that part of me, until I wasn't working 3 years ago. Then, it became playing, a waste of time, and he resented me for doing anything other than useful tasks.
I know that H now regrets abusing his position of bread-winner and has asked me many times to sell the shop, come back home, and resume cooking, writing, painting, etc.
And I would/will IN A SECOND! When I FEEL that he is safe to trust with my heart again. I have a wonderful employee whom I know I will pass the shop on to at some point. In the meantime, the shop is my H in that it is providing financial support, it encourages me to dream, it rewards creativity, and it doesn't hurt me.
I am patient, I am not vindictive, and I understand that H's anger is not about me, but I also know now that this is one of my boundaries. I will not bend/break again.
