WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Well, I'm sure this is being moderated and appearing much deeper down the threads. But I guess I'll journal a little bit.

Past couple days have been so-so. Hard time sleeping but still getting a little bit of work done - trying to work out something I can do to take care of the money situation for myself, as she was making about 90% of it the past few years. Self-employment seems like the most attractive option if I can gin up enough business for the time being.

Had some good success with GAL in seeing friends (who recommended a really good lawyer) and taking my first yoga class. Been listening to a lot more music and getting back into some of the stuff I used to love back when I met W. I think the lawyer seems like a good guy, and the yoga class seems like it will be great for me, as I have a lot of postural issues. Still definitely spending way too much time thinking about my situation and how crazy I think it is.

Interactions w/ W have been limited to e-mail over the past week or so. That's fine with me - seeing her triggers some serious fight/flight response and I'm still learning to detach. It's been almost a month since she said she wanted D, but with her going straight through w/ filing I'm sure if I saw her I would be tempted to do something that I probably ought not do - if just for my own well being, or frustrated w/ her cold and clinical tone about the whole situation. It is weird someone who typically acted more emotional (I was always considered the analytical one) has gotten so cold and so detached. I guess thats what happens when you spend a year individuating before actually pulling the trigger and leaving.

To be honest, I never recognized it was so bad. I think 'denial' would be too gentle a term. I think it was more like 'too wrapped up in one thing' and 'oblivious' to the deeper issues in our marriage. I thought she was frustrated with me because of my anxiety and depression - had no idea she was seriously viewing divorce as a realistic option. We've only been married for 4 years, and she started an affair after 3?!? It seems like a pretty short time to start that kind of thing.

The affair really slays me - especially since her deflection and reverse-accusation tactics are things that I now know are textbook behaviors. At the time, she had me convinced I was the paranoid one. At this point, I think its realistic to say she played me big time and seems to still be doing so.


Since the W won't articulate anything specific about why she wants a D (other than ILYBINILWY), There are certain things I see that I do that are problematic:

Defensiveness: I am really not good when it comes to people attacking me. I reflexively will find fault w/ their argument rather than understanding why they are trying to communicate something w/ me. I have had some 'cold war' issues w/ her in-laws because I thought they were 'poisoning' things by criticizing me and my contributions. In hindsight, I should have just talked w/ them and a)verified that what W told me they said was what they actually said and b)asked them that if they are really concerned, they should talk to me about it directly because being covert is just making things stressful.

Controlling behaviors: this is one I have started to see in myself. I never recognized that my behavior might have been controlling, but now I can see how there was a big element of that in what I was doing. Hopefully, awareness will be the first step in eliminating that kind of behavior. My concern is that why would I be controlling others? Dr. Schnarch would say it was because I couldn't control myself. I think there is some validity to that - with getting burnt out my self-control went down the drain and I was at a point where I couldn't really handle a lot.

Anger: I have had a hot temper in the past. I think a lot of this was situational, but it doesn't make it any better for me as I worry about it sometimes. Typically I'm very peaceful, but when things have gotten too stressful I have struggled to contain myself. I suspect much of this came from a lack of resiliency on my part after years of beating myself up mentally in the misguided belief it would help me get better at my craft. There were definitely times where I OVER reacted to a situation and said or acted in a way that I regret, a lot. I think therapy has done wonders for this (although being hit w/ "I want a D" still made me basically blow my top).


Nervous System: I had a 8 cup a day coffee habit for a few years. Looking back, I can see that this was a terrible idea. Since reducing my intake to 0-12oz / day I have been doing much better.

'Fixing': I am a fixer if there ever was one. I hate to see people unhappy and will do what I can to convince them to feel better. In some ways though, I think this might be a manifestation of that controlling behavior. I don't know.

Stubbornness: I can get very stubborn about things. Not just w/ other people, but with myself. Its the negative side of persistence - not taking the time to re-examine the situation and really assess if what I'm doing is what I really want to be doing and if it lines up w/ the other things in life that are important to me. I allowed our careers to become such a focal point of existence that all other options were basically excluded. On one hand, its good dedication. On the other, with the burnout, I wasn't really doing much to pursue my career either.

Those seem like the big ones to me. If I were to speak about my W and the things that seem to stand out to me it would be:

Opacity: she almost never directly says what she wants or is thinking. Especially if it is about the person she is talking to. She will obfuscate or just shut down rather than say what she means. I have seen her do this so many times, and now realize that she did it with me, too. She will allude to things but not really every say exactly what she is talking about. She will get angry at me for not doing what she wants (in bed, around the house..) but she never directly requests things.

Attributional explanatory style: by her own words, someone is a 'good person' or a 'bad person'. I guess this is a common issue with people, where they are more likely to see themselves situationally and everyone else by trait. But, it seems to play a substantial role in how she makes her evaluations of the world, and perhaps how she evaluated me and decided to leave the R.

Aggression: When she does decide to say something, she tends to do it in an aggressive way that leads to fighting and arguing. I think she sees it as being assertive, but its done w/ disrespect and and with a tone of criticism and judgement. It never ever ever got through to me and usually triggered my defense mechanisms to the point where I would basically talk her backwards and fight w/ her.

Fakeness: I've always known my W 'put on masks' around people, and she adapts like a chameleon. Even with languages, she picks up accents and inflections within days whenever we traveled. But it seems to go a lot deeper than that and I suspect it may have played a role in some of our intimacy issues. I think because we loved one another, I assumed she 'kept it real' with me, at least. But clearly, there is a lot where she didn't keep it real, and actively deceived me in many ways. I feel like she puts on masks w/ people because she fears if they knew the real her, they would reject her. I think this is a big part of why she seems to have such facility w dishonesty.
I'm speculating of course, but it makes sense to me.


Reflected sense of self: This is the biggest one, in my estimation. I think it ties in a bit with the above issues. She has always placed an enormous value on what others think of her and if people like her or not. She can't stand it when someone doesn't like her or is mad at her - she will lose sleep over it. She doesn't/wouldn't say things because she worried it will 'hurt' me, but I suspect what she is really worried about is that her thoughts or wants could be rejected by someone. It is far easier to hide them and put on a known acceptable face or avoid conflict. Avoidance of conflict, shame, guilt, responsibility are themes that were common in our M. If someone is mad at her, she will choose to avoid them rather than apologize and seek forgiveness. I think this may be part of why she would say things to me like "You are an embarrassment" when I was depressed. because in her mind, my problems reflected poorly on her and thus she was mad at me for hurting the way she thought others perceived her. I think that someone with a solid sense of integrity would not have done that to their 'best friend.'

I think the thing about all this that nags at me the most is that I KNOW these things could be handled, or at least the ones I'm responsible for. It was only after she left and I read DB that I realized 'holy cr@p.. you mean we could have worked some of these issues out like THAT?' (I especially liked the solution of taking off one's clothes when arguing.. that sounds fun). At this point, I don't know what to think, though. I mean there are some elements to this that are not about me and are perhaps more profound and more troubling than my lack of work or attachment issues. Will those really change? Do I want to be with someone who will not directly communicate w/ me what it is they are thinking, and then get mad at me when I don't cooperate with the thing I don't know they want me to do? Don't I deserve respect and honesty? Don't I deserve to be loved and supported when I am down as well as when I am up? Shouldn't I want the future mother of my children to be oriented towards solving problems, not fleeing them? Someone out there, help me reframe this from another perspective.