just journaling....nothing new here. use for 2x4 practice if you like.
My W craves excitment, is always on the move, planning a hundred new things - business ideas, programs, activities - and is a natural at getting people together to make things happen. It's a great skill, and something I love about her, but it's also a little pathological. Sitting still, not having a plan, or being introspective is almost physically painful for her. She has no time to consider feelings - saying suck it up or get over it - and pushing forward.
My tolerance for excitment and choas is somewhere in the middle, "normal" maybe. I do a good job of keeping up and enjoy it most of the time but I'm often exhuasted and W probably feels like I am holding her back. Easy to notice that I'm rarely "in the lead". W is not such a good follower. I could lead, but W won't follow. I'm not particularly into discussing "feelings" but by comparison I'm the "needy" one. I feel the responsibility of raising our kids, keeping them relatively safe, and maintaining some routine, thus I'm the inflexible one.
So when W has some new plan that might be a big change for the family she often starts it off in secret, and brings me along slowly. She will exaggerate or minimize or tell me things that just aren't true because she feels that I'm inflexible, unreasonable, and holding her back. So that when something comes to be, I'm surprised by it and the fact she wasn't very honest with me and take this as a lack of respect.
So W resists any discussion which would clarify her intentions. As she has a habit of saying she "doesn't make promises". And that means I live in a pretty uncertain world where most unusal plans don't materialize, but some do.
Of course, all this requires is that I give W lots of freedom, endure uncertainty, take the backseat more often than not, and trust her. Is this dropping the rope maybe?
This personality is one of the things that is very attractive and fun about my W, and also difficult. I noticed this early in our M and figured one things that would help would be to keep our family life simple, allowing her the freedom she needs. However, she likes "fun/exciting/complex" in all areas of her life, so we have a large complicated family, which limits her freedom.
I used to be more independent and, frankly, more fun and interesting. I don't know how to balance all these responsibilities with the uncertainty. Bascially, to live more in the moment, let go of the need for some control and stability, and enjoy the chaos. W would like me to just "decide to have fun". Which sounds great, but I am tired and a little resentful.
