So...am I still a newcomer?

[any chance?]

Writing it out is good therapy.

Your comments on loss of best friend resonate strongly with me. I feel much the same. The critical issue is "that is when she stopped loving me". Can we ever regain that love? That is the main point. It is all we want. I hope to hell we can get it back, and I won't keep trying until there is longer even a shred of hope. For now, there is a lot of hope left for both of us. Keep faith in yourself, who you have been in the past, who you are now, and who you will be in the future. You are a good person who lost his way, similar to myself. We CAN start again. They are not yet lost to us. Try to keep that notion in focus. I have to.