I am the devil....

[ericmsant2]

Tad,

I guess I have let go, but need to let go even more...completely.

Yes Tad you do need to let go. Having said this, a lot of time we try and “force” ourselves to let go. We think it will happen overnight. It is my experience that it does not. It really is a process. This whole thang is a process brother. One that we must go through in order to come out of it on the other side. It is how we go thru the process that will determine our future (at least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it). Personally, I had to go through what I went through in order to become what I am today. No rushing can make it go any faster. I say this to you because if you are anything like me, you will try and force/push yourself to change how you feel (all in an attempt to be “done”). Guess what, you may think your done one day or think you have detached enough one day only to realize that you are not as far as you thought you were.

Tad, what is detachment to YOU? What does letting go mean to YOU?

For me, letting go was such a long process. I had to grieve, I had to process so many emotions (and FTR, sometime I still do), I had to let go….of [b]everything[/b} I mean everything things like…trying to control the sitch, trying to control how I felt, trying to hold back all of the anger….trying to guilt her…trying to get folks on my side…playing the victim….feeling sorry for myself…I had a ton of stuff to let go….

So…….I just let go of everything! For me I made a choice to not feel the way that I was feeling. For me I finally realized that I could only control myself – not her, not my L, not my kids, nothing…just me and MY actions. It was at this point that I decided to live for me.

Do I still love my STBXW you may be asking? Yes…I do and always will. I love her and MYSELF enough to let her go completely. Love myself enough to focus on my happiness. Love my kids enough to work hard at being the best man and dad I could be. When you do this Tad….things will get clearer….and YOU will begin to live and truly detach. BUT you cannot force yourself there…it just has to takes it course.

I think I am getting better.

Define better.

I had a bad night last night.

One night does not a life make buddy…..everyone has bad days. Chit you could have been married living the white picket fence dream and still had a bad day. Call and accept what it is…a BAD day…no more no less. Ya still have more days ahead of you. Make them good days. Make them days that you will remember. Make them positive days.

I realized that I am missing someone who "loved me deeply for many years" and now doesn't even care if I'm alive.

Ya just realized? I suspect that you really mean is that you are now beginning to understand the level at which she is in her own world. This Tad, is about HER. As for your “now doesn’t even care if I’m alive” comment….you do not know what she feels so how can you make this statement. She too is probably in pain. So much so that it is sooo much easier for her to blame you and everyone else.

Tad, this chit is hard man…really hard… YOU will be tested like you have never been tested before.

Stop worrying about what she MIGHT…MAY….COULD BE….POSSIBILY be thinking or feeling right now. Tad, focus on YOU man. I believe someone posted earlier to you about telling us what you are doing for YOU…I never saw answer…so what are you doing for Tad?

What hobbies do you have?
What are your plans for the 4th?
What foods do you like?

What makes you happy Tad?