So...am I still a newcomer?

[Telemark]

Journaling / venting / whatever you wish to call it...

Thanks to all for the encouragement and wisdom. It's the oasis in the desert here.

Since my mood and self-confidence continue to ebb and flow, I allowed myself to think about what it is that is eating away at me the most (give me a little latitude here; it feels good to write it down)...

The EA? No; he's an unemployed factory worker with a drinking problem who lives 1500 miles away and depends on my W to send him money.

The deception and lying? That's a biggie, but it's not what is the most troublesome.

Loss of intimacy? Frustrating, but not paralyzing.

My W was my best friend and I was hers, even by her own admission. We had great times and nightmarish times just like everyone else in the world. Each of us was only a touch, a shout or a phone call away from the other. In my eyes and the eyes of our friends, we were the true "soulmates."

So I think what will be the hardest thing to get over is the loss of my best friend. Even before we were married, I told her she did not need to cook for me, clean the house for me, do my laundry...I could do all of those things myself. All I wanted was for her to love me for me; nothing more, nothing less. But somewhere along the way we stopped being the persons each other fell in love with. We lost respect for each other, and distrusted each other. My W told me recently that she had not felt safe - emotionally, not physically - with me for years,and that is when she stopped loving me.

A hard lesson to learn with a big price to pay.