Having a really tough week. H is acting as if we are already divorced. Something hit me this week - can't put my finger on it - but it suddenly feels 'over'. I've always had a tiny glimmer of hope that we may be able to work through this, but suddenly I feel like its a hopeless sitch. I just keep shaking my head wondering how in the world this happened to us.. We never had that perfect relationship, and we always thought that was actually healthy. I don't know how to do this anymore. How do I be patient but still take control and ownership of my own life? I don't want to be the one to initiate divorce, but to move on, I really need to sell my house and build a new life for me and my kids in a different home. I don't want to start dating, but lately I would pay a million dollars to have someone take me out for a nice dinner, some good conversation - for someone to look at me like they were interested in what I had to say - just to be with someone who wanted to be around ME. I need a self-esteem boost for sure. I can convince myself that I am great person - but come on, once in a while everyone wants to feel 'wanted' by someone else. I was just reading another poster's 'story' about her husband's issues having nothing to do with her, and I really feel that way too. I firmly believe he's depressed and has been depressed for years - amongst other issues. I definitely take responsibility for my own actions that caused turmoil in our marriage - but I think there is SO much more to him then the stuff he complains about with me. He says he's not happy - doesn't know if he'll ever be happy - doesn't know what would make him happy - thinks he'll probably still be unhappy if we divorce - worries that if we reconciled, that we would always be unhappy etc etc. I am really starting to wonder if reconciling WOULD be a good thing. and that thought scares me - I don't want to be walking on egg shells for the rest of my life wondering when he is going to be leaving next. I dont want to be the only person who has made self-improvements. I don't want to be with him the way he was, just as much as he doesn't want to be with me the way I was.. I've made so many changes based on the stuff he finally broke down and told me. Nothing major - but all the little things I did that I wasn't even aware I was doing. But I really don't think he has any desire to take a look at himself and make some improvements based on the issues I have with him. I know the DB book talks about one spouse doing all of the work - well thats exactly how I've been feeling. And I don't mind being the one to do that - but I have not seen much in the way of results. We have been separated for 8 months today. This was supposed to be a 2 month trial separation. Every day that goes by I get more and more confused. And every other day I have a different decison made in my head (ie yesterday I was bound, bet and determined to tell H that its over and I was going to start staging the house to sell), then today once again I think I want to keep trying. Thing is that I don't think there is anything left to try. He holds all the cards - i feel like i am just sitting waiting for him to decide. And i have no say in my marriage ending. I just want to stop THINKING about this he** that I am in. I seriously cannot go 2 seconds without thinking about my life, my future. I just want to forget about everything for a little while - even one hour. I just dont know how to get it out of my head. I even dream about it on the rare occasion that I can fall asleep. So tomorrow I have my first individual counseling session. I've been putting this off for months now, but I think I need to learn some new coping methods, and i feel like the end is just around the corner, and I am going to need all the help I can get to get through this.. Today is a very, very bad day.
