For the time being I am still on W's medical plan which covers the IC visits except for a copay. W, the kids and I are on my work's dental plan so I guess it all works out.
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
I accompanied D to her consult with an oral surgeon and yes - her wisdom teeth are going to be extracted the week of July 4th. I got the time off from work so that I can be there to get her to and from the surgery - which is about 10 minutes from the house. D did not have any camp counseling activites that week anyway or the following week so that will give her plenty of time to recoup before she heads off with STBEX and S to a week long church retreat/summer camp activity.
Finalized my plans to head down to FL during the first week in August to see my parents and two of my three sisters. It's been over seven years since the kids and I have seen Mom and Dad so we're pretty excited about it. They don't get around much anymore (both being in their mid 70's) but it will be good to spend one day with them before heading to stay with one of my sisters for a couple of days.
Finally, STBEX gave me a tearful call last Sunday to let me know that her father had passed away - which we had been bracing ourselves for. I let her know that I was very sorry that he had passed on (he was a really kind man and always treated me with care and respect over the past several years) and that when she needed to travel that I could pick up the slack here. She was very appreciative of that and would keep me informed of her plans. I also shared the news to a large group of mutual friends (which she has shied away from to a large extent but they miss her and ask me occasionally about her) and provided one of her personal e-mail addresses if they wanted to contact her. As I was dropping off S at her place last night, she was on the porch chatting with one of her close friends and the friend's new love interest. She said that she was touched by the e-mail that I had sent out and the responses she has gotten.
Thinking back at the ugly tirade I got from STBEX when her mother passed away several years ago, I was hesitant to send out the e-mail. But it was the right thing to do - regardless of the reaction I received. Thinking back and looking at myself now, I have a lot more confidence in my decision making and the sense of doing what is right. I had a lot of pent-up anger back then as well - but that is gone. When it does come up, I put that big "STOP" sign in front of me and go in a much more productive and healthier path...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Thinking back at the ugly tirade I got from STBEX when her mother passed away several years ago, I was hesitant to send out the e-mail. But it was the right thing to do - regardless of the reaction I received.
Absolutely! I have always tried, and encouraged others, to do the right thing just as you've stated. It's as much, if not more, for you than them. You can always take pride in doing what is right. I try to think "what kind of person do I want my kids to see". Yes, I want them to see a Dad who does right! Good job Daybreak.
Well - STBEX did something that got me in a bit of a lather while I was at work today. Periodically I check the joint e-mail account and my personal one for timely messages and found that she sent one to S's piano teacher mentioning that he would be missing two consecutive practices in July - one for the church retreat/camp that she is taking the kids to (which I knew about) and one for her father's memorial service near DC (which she did not bother to let me know about in advance).
I do not mind that she wanted to take the kids to this. I do mind that she did not let me know of her plans before informing others about them. But she has done this to me numerous times - so I should have expected treatment from her like this.
Regardless, it's important that the kids go to this. It's also obvious that STBEX does not want me there despite the good relationship that I had with her father.
The only thing that I did as a reply was to send to the piano teacher that S would also be missing a lesson while the kids and I are down in FL - something that I made sure STBEX knew was happening a few weeks ago. I copied her on the reply as well.
And so it goes on...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Received an e-mail from STBEX this morning concerning logistics for Father's Day and the upcoming week for the kids. At the end of the e-mail, she mentioned about her family gathering for a memorial for her dad at the end of July and she was planning on taking the kids.
I replied to the upcoming week and Father's Day goings on but I left the rest of it alone. She made her point clear with yesterday's e-mail...
For someone who critized me to high heaven for my deficient communication skills several years ago, she is at least as bad if not worse. But I really need to let this go, to let the anger and frustration pass in a healthy way. She is who she is - someone who I want as little to do with as possible as I proceed with my life. There will always be the interactions concerning the kids - but that is where I need to set my boundary and remain as dark as possible...
On the positive communication front, I sent an e-card to my Dad (76 years and still hanging in there) and I'll talk with him on Sunday. I'm also thinking about the daughters of my co-worker who died suddenly last March as well as my good friend who passed away over two years ago and left behind a son and daughter. Although you don't know what the next day will bring, I'll someday have to deal with my Dad's passing (as well as my Mom's). I guess I'll find out at some point - unless there are other plans for me. Regardless, I want to keep remaining positive and caring in my interactions with my kids, family, friends - and even STBEX.
Maybe someday I'll have that next great relationship in my life - put what I have read and learned on these boards and other sources to effective and wonderful use...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
S had a great weekend campout with his troop (I was one of the volunteers driving but could not stay - had dogs to take care of back at the house). Picked him up Sunday morning and D came over after church. We hung out for a few hours and went out to dinner at a place we had not been to since the big blowup back in 2002. It brought back some good memories for me and D - and you can't beat good old Southern cooking!
While S was camping, I drove over to visit some friends - and partake in a lemonade stand that their grandkids set up. They had mentioned it on FB so while I was there, a bunch of other people I knew showed up! The grandmother was talking with me and one of her daughters and referred to STBEX as my XW. Surprisingly, I didn't flinch or tried to correct her. I guess another sign that I have reached acceptance...
Also, I got an e-mail (on the joint account that STBEX and I use for kid related stuff) from one of her family members reprinting the WaPo obit on her dad. In the obit, STBEX's siblings were listed (with their spouses in parentheses). For STBEX - nothing. It is what it is...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
I had a thought on that once. Years from now when XW goes -- she smoked for years, I'll be shocked if I go before her -- it'll be strange to read it and not be mentioned.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
on the obit note...I attended a friend's dad's funeral.
He was a war hero whom I admired as such (I'm a veteran and so is my h) but I knew he'd left his w for OW.
I knew my friend had been heartbroken about it in high school when it happened. She had worshipped her dad and I'm sure she was conflicted. So we went for HER and to honor his service.
So he left behind his w of 35 years and 3 kids and grandkids...
in the obit it mentions his kids and his present w of 3 years...nothing about the first w, who put him thru college, grad school,
moved around the world as a military wife, endured 2 tours of combat and his being wounded and missing in action for weeks, who stood by his side through it all,
and at the end
he was with someone his own daughters could not stand.
Somehow it was doubly tragic.
I do wonder how her mother felt. (I'd like to ask and maybe even express sorrow about her loss, but it feels weird. Plus, maybe she's glad??? Who knows?)
I ache for the messes these broken commitments make!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
After a day or so of having those negative feelings going over me, they pretty much run their course. The obit did mention his first wife (STBEX's mother) briefly in that she passed away in 2004. Some of my friends (who were also STBEX's friends back in the day but she tossed them away as well) did send their condolences by e-mail and snail mail. Whether she replies back to any of them - not my concern or my business...
Anyway - I'll set aside a bit of time the day of the family memorial, reflect on his life and the overwhelming positive times I shared with him. The more I reflect on this, the more I see the parallels between STBEX's mother treated him and their shared friends and how STBEX has treated me and our shared friends. Eerie in a way...
I have the kids this weekend and not really anything planned. D is pretty wiped out from being put in charge of the group of junior councilors at the summer camp she's attending - but it's good experience and she got a very good review from her superiors.
So for the July 4th weekend - it will be just me and the dogs. Something that has not been done with the SA are the changes needed since the house got sold. Nary a peep from STBEX or her L - so I guess I should do the revisions and route them to my L. Get to closure on this so that I can fully invest my energies to the future. Hopefully there will be someone willing to explore that trail with me. We'll see...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Well my holiday weekend was filled with handling stuff at work. Our lab is trying to get caught up from a rather sizeable backlog and there are some things which some of our relatively new techs haven't done before that I know inside and out plus procedures are not written up for some of these things. So no work on the sep revisions - maybe I can carve out the time with the kids here this weekend.
But I enjoyed the quiet time with the dogs. Lost power at the rental house for about two hours yesterday - but I lit a candle instead of cursing the darkness. Maybe that should serve as a guide for me going forward - keep that inner candle lit and allowing it to burn bright.
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
But she has done this to me numerous times - so I should have expected treatment from her like this.
The grandmother was talking with me and one of her daughters and referred to STBEX as my XW. Surprisingly, I didn't flinch or tried to correct her. I guess another sign that I have reached acceptance...