Hello everyone. I have to start by saying that I’m happy I found these boards but by no means am I happy to be here! I have been lurking around for at least a month now. I thought I would be able to get some great Ideas by just reading other peoples situations but, based on where I am in my relationship now I think I could use some feedback so here we go.
First some background M 38 W 32 SS 14 S9 T 11y M 2y. I’ll try to give you the cliff note version of my story. In April of 2010 my wife dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb and said she was going to move out. I, of course, being the stubborn fool I can be told her, “Fine do it you need to tell the kids so we can get this done!” When she actually took the boys aside and told them that she was no longer in love with me and that she was going to move out I was dumbfounded! She told me she felt she was prisoner in her own life and no longer wanted to feel that way .
As the situation started to unfold I panicked and did what I’m sure so many before me have done, I went into the pathetic begging and pleading role telling her that she was making a big mistake and focusing on what a bad mother she was to even think about doing this to our boys!
Well as things happen to go it turned out that she could not afford to move out yet so we decided we would give things one more chance for the sake of the kids. At that time we had decided that we were going to stop sending our kids to private school and move into a neighborhood that had a much better school system. All of that went off easily and we settled in to our new home.
As far as our relationship went, we began to see a MC and my wife began to go to IC I thought things were going in a pretty decent direction.
MC didn’t seem to go very well, It seemed to me that she was going just to be able to say that she tried all she could and that there was no way for us to work things out I felt she wanted to be able to soften the guilt of leaving. I was quite demanding that I wanted to hear from her that she was willing to work things out before I wasted anytime with all of this stuff. Needless to say I had a very immature approach to this entire situation. She could never say that she was willing to work things out or that she even thought it was possible and this infuriated me!
During this time she focused on “doing things with her friends” and in my eyes distanced herself completely from our family. She became very secretive and it got to the point that my S9 was even asking why mom liked spending time with her friends more than us. She also decided that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with my side of the family and has not seen any of them in over a year now.
I began to get very suspicious of everything and started looking into cell phone bills and anything else that would give me clues of what was going on. At the same time I was working on changing the behaviors that my wife, and to be honest I, thought were not very good for our relationship. I not only started to do more around the house I pretty much became OC and took over doing everything at home. I had been that way through my single years and when my wife came into my life I backed off completely assuming it was a role she wanted to have in our relationship. All this did was give her more time for her and her friends. My suspicion was finally brought to light on of all days Halloween 2010. I picked up the netbook we have and went to type in a ULR address when I saw a message come up that she had a new message from some guy. I then decided to go into her email account were I read an email from OM stating that the night before was a lot of fun and that he loved her so much! Needless to say I lost it. In my eyes I had been putting in so much effort the past few much and she had been living a lie! Later that evening I confronted her with the information and she swore that it was only an emotional affair, then she admitted that she had kissed him and that was it.
She swore she would never talk to him again and as I was packing a bag for me to leave she asked me not to go. I of course asked why? She told me that if I leave she loses everything, including a good man.
I decided I would stay and do my best to work it out. We continued to go to MC but I had a hard time believing she only had an EA I couldn’t get past that it didn’t make sense to me. She had been putting a lot of effort into our relationship she we were actually having intimate moments together and we had even started sleeping together again. We also got to the point that we were having 2 date nights a month one set up by her and one by me, things really started looking good!
No matter how good things seemed to be getting I felt that I needed to know the entire truth in order to make a solid decision on staying or going, no matter what it had to be based on facts. My foolish pride could not let things be. Fast forwarding a bit, in January of this year I put some effort and money into finding out the truth, and the truth I got! She had been having a PA. I was devastated again; I couldn’t understand why she would want to prolong my pain and not just be honest with me. I still don’t have the answer to that question.
I began to relive the hurt and pain all over again and I began to lash out at her. I threatened that I was going to take everything the she loved in her life, our boys. I told her that I needed a break from MC so I could decide what I wanted to do. I also told her that I was not interested in having a physical relationship with her. I wanted her to feel the pain I was going through, every chance I got I would throw the affair in her face and tell her what a horrible wife and mother she was because she did the most selfish thing anyone could possibly do. I not only threatened divorce I had all the paperwork ready to go. I was a basic A$$. No doubt about it.
I think that I finally came to my senses on Easter Sunday. Our Pastor’s sermon was based on living life as if we truly believed Easter had happened. I began to think about how Jesus had been crucified to open the gates to heaven and have us all be forgiven for our sins and I was not living the life I should be living. I was not being the forgiving Christian I knew I should be.
That afternoon I asked GOD to forgive me and to give me the strength to forgive myself for what I had done to this woman that I knew I loved so much. A few minutes later I broke down crying like a baby and I apologized to my wife for what I had been doing to her I also promised that I would never throw the kids or the A in her face again.
Moving this story up to today, I have come to the realization that I am still deeply in love with my wife. I have toiled with the questions in my head; do I want this for the right reasons? Am I doing this just for the sake of the Boys? The answers to the questions have all come back as no. I truly want to spend the remainder of my days with my wife as my partner.
I’m not sure that this is possible with where we stand today. My W is still living with us but she sleeps in a different room. She states that she is seriously saving money to get a place where she can have the boys spend time with her as well. I have really driven a major wedge between us with all of the hurtful things I have done to her. Prior to the PA her major complaint about me was that she never got any help around the house and that I would never spend any time with her. The doing things around the house have changed but we still don’t do anything with just her and I because she is not willing to.
I feel that if she really wanted out she would have left by now. She states that she can’t afford to leave. When she first brought this up I told her that her happiness was very important to me, and that if moving out was going to make her happy she could take the money in the bank and get a place. She refused.
She says that she has given up all hope one ever being in any kind of loving relationship and she want out so she could focus on her and the boys without having to worry about hurting anyone else. She also feels as if she is not good enough for me. She has stated many times that there is no way she could love me the way I need to be loved or deserve to be loved. Bottom line, I feel she has a self esteem issue that I have played a major role in, directly and indirectly.
I have read DB, DR, Love Languages, The Secrets of Happily Married men, After the Affair, Fighting for your Marriage and I’m currently reading Hold Me Tight.
I have begun to put some of the DB’ing things into play. I have lost 40lbs since this all started and I’m looking pretty good, If I do say so myself! I have started hiking and playing golf again and basically GAL. I am trying hard not to call her and see how things are going but it was something I always did on a regular basis so it’s hard to kick the habit. I started seeing an IC that focuses on Spiritual counseling and SFBC. I really don’t want to leave any stone unturned. I know that we both have to learn to trust each other and really try to get an emotional connection going between us. I’m not sure how to do that if I’m supposed to give her all the space she needs and not talk about our relationship. Any help from all you wise people on this board would be greatly appreciated.
