2/14/2003 - H moves back in after I successfully DB through him leaving due to unhappiness and my A. 12/12/2007 - H moves from Chicago to Seattle for a job. I stay home to sell the house and we live apart for almost 8 months. During this time he gets friends (didn't have any before), works out and gets in shape and becomes happier with himself. 10/??/2009 - H suggests we see an MC after we have been discussing on and off the frustration at our lack of fire in the bedroom. We go 4 or 5 times and H brings up D if we can't fix this. I freak out since I think the rest of the M is good - he thinks on it and decides that yes we should stay together. We have a renewed vigor. 12/??/2009 - H brings up the idea of having kids. We try to get pregnant for 8 months and finally conceive. I miscarry in month 3. 4/16/2011 - H drops the bomb after a day filled with future plans and after I'd fallen asleep in bed. He spends the next days avoiding the house at all costs. 4/21/2011 - I leave for my parents for 2 weeks. I go completely dark for a full 7 days at the end. H starts splitting our things and sends me a financial split suggestion for the D. 5/5/2011 - I come back and things are uncomfortable in the house. H makes himself available for talking and we do R talks. Of course this is not helping as he is so defensive at this point. H and I tentatively agree to a financial split. I'm supposed to be going through the house selecting what things I want. 5/12/2011 - H moves out to his own apartment. 6/3/2011 - Our 11th anniversary and a big R talk that I thought might have helped us make some progress but I'm not sure. He forced the issue of getting the paperwork done and me getting to the lawyer within the week. 6/15/2011 - H's birthday and he calls me to drive him to the ER where he is spending at least the next day if not two in the hospital.
So things have been pretty quiet the past couple of weeks for a few reasons. First, H said he would get me the updated D paperwork and that I must see the lawyer within the week. However, I have yet to see this updated D paperwork for 2 weeks now and thus have not visited my lawyer yet. He's really moving slow and I'm not sure the reasons. My gut says it's just that he's too busy and tired from working so much to actually get time for it but if he really wanted the D that bad, he would make time for it. I'll just take it as a good sign.
During the last 2 weeks I had a bit of an epiphany - the puzzle pieces of our lives all falling into place basically. This D has little to nothing to do with me. I figured this out through some observations outside parties made, combined with things from our past and put that together with some things H had written. Yes there are things I can/could do to make this M better and be a better wife. He cites that he is "no longer attracted to me" and he is "not happy with me" so he would rather pursue things without me in order to have a happier life. But the truth of the matter is that my H does not know how to find happiness within himself. He suffers from low self-esteem and very negative self talk and I can't believe I have been oblivious to it for so very long. He has worked so hard in his life to overcome it on his own and without the help of counseling or medication & he has not been successful. I may discuss the points in a later post but now that my eyes have been opened, so to speak, it's so very hard to unsee. I've been so quiet these past couple of weeks contemplating this epiphany and what exactly that means for me and our R.
I basically think all of this means that, more than ever before, there is really not a lot I can do in this sitch but give it time and patience and move on with my life while he figures out his own life. Maybe that means he decides he forever wants to be without me but the poor guy is going to be stuck in his vicious cycle until he breaks it himself. No R, no woman, no friends, no hobbies, no amount of new jobs or job changes are going to fix this for him. Not my problem if we get D'ed I guess. If he does some day wake up and realize he wants me, it's not going to be that easy anymore. I know they say keep the road home paved smooth but I don't want our old R anymore. And going forward, I don't want to be playing russian roulette every day (is this going to be the day he randomly leaves me again?) or walking on eggshells every day of my life. That's not the R that I want anymore. Am I willing to try and work something out? Yes of course. But it's not going to be easy.
I guess you could say I've dropped the rope. You might even say I'm starting to move on. I've certainly increased the fervor on the job search as that is the key thing that has to fall in place for me before the rest comes (where am i living, etc etc).
Then today happened and threw me for a loop. Last evening I talked briefly with the H as he had asked for the car and I completely missed the text message. He said it was ok because he was not feeling well. He had let something go on his leg and it was infected, he had a fever. I said let me drive you to the ER. He insisted he had a doctor's appointment this morning and he would just go to that. The doctor took one look and said, immediately to the ER with you mister. He called me of course to pick him up and take him there. (Of course I'm your first call and the only person you can ultimately rely on for these kinds of things.) I drove him there, sat in the waiting room with him but he did not want me to go back with him so asked me to leave. That was hard but I did. I told him I would come visit his room when he got one and see how he was - I was/am very worried about him. He said he didn't want me to come so I guess I'm respecting that wish. Said it would be too much stress with the uncomfortable conversation added to the hospital thing. They have him on antibiotics and are keeping him for 2 days. He's keeping me updated and I think everything is ok but I am not sure as I am getting very little information and he has a tendency to downplay things.
So things were going well and I was moving on and today I'm in tears because he pushed me away in what is a serious situation and I'm terribly worried.
