The show goes on

[RedNailPolish]

Journaliing:
Last night H and I met up for dinner to talk about access to S3. At first it was very awkward. Then as the night progressed we became more at ease with each other and the conversations started to flow. I asked H to bring his laptop in the restaurant to help me determine whether I was eligible for child care rebate/ benefit. He was very happy to help and this helped lighten the mood.

H told me that things at work were again stressful. His secretary hates him. He is fighting with his boss. And he is still not able to concentrate and therefore not coping with the workload. Add on top of that the fact that he just got a huge pay rise and therefore more expectations from his boss. H told me that he received a phone call from another law firm who offered him another role. One that would provide work training, more opportunities and more money. H said that he was seriously considering taking it but felt torn about the decision to leave. He said that his mind changed daily as to whether he should go or stay (such is the mind of an MLCer).

Instead of advising him what he should do, I listened. Then I asked him questions that would make him think about the situation. Then we talked about the pros and cons for both staying and going. I did not give him my opinion, I let him do the talking and express how he felt. He will have to make a decision by this Friday.

Do I want him to go? If youd asked me a couple of months ago I would have said yes. I would have wanted him to get far far far away from the OW as much as possible. But now the truth is that it doesnt matter. He needs to sort himself out. Whether its in his current job or somewhere else. OW is not the problem, he is. So at this point it is irrelevant whether he chooses his current job or the new one.

H brought up the fact that his new job would be further away from where S3 and I live. Then he said - "I havent ruled out reconciliations between us". I didn’t reply or react to this statement. Then H stated that he would like to buy an apartment close to where his new job might be. After which he asked would I consider moving there? I stated that if things were to change and we were on the right track I would consider it. He looked happy to hear this. He went on for a while about what type of apartment we should have and that we should sell both our cars and get one new one and which school S3 could attend. To me it sounded like he wanted to start new. New job, new place, new car, new life. I’m not sure what to think of this? I don’t believe what he is saying at this point, I realise this is just a touch and go – testing the water. But if he starts making moves towards this, well Im not sure if this is the life that I want??? I guess I will cross that bridge when/if it happens.

We discussed access to S3 and H told me that he knew I would feel hurt being away from S3 for so long. He said that he knew he had hurt me by his actions (meaning OW) but did not want to hurt me by taking S3. So H said that we should continue with current arrangements and we will try to make it work. I am thankful for this because I do not want to spend whole weekends without S3.

H got teary during the night when discussing S3. He said he felt that S3 did not want to be with him because he would continually ask for me. I said that this behaviour was normal/typical for a 3yr old. I told him that he did the same thing to me - asked for his dad. H was happy to hear this. But he was quite teary and so was I. I told him that all I wanted was for him to be happy. So I asked him if he was happy. H said no and that he felt empty without me and S3. It made me feel so good hearing this because H had been putting on this happy persona since we separated and to finally hear him say that he felt empty was such a BIG relief.

During the night H also told me about BILs upcoming engagement party. It is going to be at his fiancés parent’s house which is in another state. H said I was more than welcome to come. And that we could drive together. Another positive me thinks - inviting me to family functions. This is a few months away so we will see how things progress. No expectations, I said thanks for the invite I will consider it.

Also during the night we got talking about sport and I said I missed watching football at the stadium (H had a membership) and H mentioned that he had tickets to a game this weekend and he didnt have anyone to go with so if I wanted the tickets I could have them. I hesitated and then said well maybe the three of us could go. Now Im not sure if thats bad DBing? But H looked really pleased and excited and said yes that would be great. We then made plans to get together at his apartment on Saturday afternoon seeing as he would have S3 and he and I could apply for the child care rebate/benefit. I said that I would bring some of S3 clothes and toys to make S3 more comfortable at his apartment. H said that I was always welcome to come to his apartment anytime. It was nice to hear that but Im looking for actions not words.

Oh heres an action that I noticed.....I showed H a photo on my phone and I said that I would send it to him. H said that he would have to check it later as he "deliberately" left his phone in the car. I said “really, why”? He said so that we wouldn’t be disturbed. Small but a still a positive action

Overall a good night out. H said that he had a really good time. And so did I. We hugged for a long time when we parted. I went home and felt at peace. I know it was a positive experience but that is what was. I realise things can change in a heart beat. I will still work on myself and focus on what I need to do and accomplish.