My gaps between posts are often because I sound like a broken record; I flipped out....again, or I did this or that....again. I guess the point behind frequent posts is to let readers get a true understanding of my situation, broken record and all. So, I guess the moral of the story is...post more.
I'm not concerned about tough medicine because I think that approach can be effective when your dealing with repeat offenders.
I talk a great deal with my IC about anger management, and I understand that when my W feels vulnerable, she wants reassurance vice an explanation / rationalization or some form of terse reply. My main issue has been the comments that come from left field, the ones that catch me off guard. Although I've been unfaithful in the past, I have a really hard time when she accuses me of anything related to trust, like looking at someone.
I know she's feeling vulnerable because of how I've treated her in the past. I know I'm lucky to have her, that she's still my W and that she's not mean-spirited.
What I lack are the tools to manage my anger before my instincts and ego has kicked in, which is a microsecond when it comes to issues of trust.
I'm sure there’re solutions on the internet; I just need to look harder.
I do not want H (Herb) to post here because he feels that he HAS to. I would love for him to do what ever it takes for him to communicate in a non-threatening way, and get to the bottom of, not just control his anger - IF that's what he wants.
It doesn't make any difference to me if that means posting/learning from this forum, going to therapy, or sitting crossed-legged for 3 hours per day. If something works, we can get somewhere
I believe that every action/emotion has its origin in love or fear. So I believe H's anger is a result of fear of something. Understanding that makes it impossible for me to hate him. I would give anything to understand him!
I suggested to H that he participate on the forum, and I am, because I feel that this is the last tool that I have available to save us.
Even though I in no way hate H, I do have to preserve my sanity if SOMETHING doesn't work.
I feel that I am now in a holding pattern: as long as I don't get yelled at, I am more than willing to be patient.
But H, if you are uncomfortable, and are only posting because you think you HAVE to, I wish you wouldn't. The last thing I want to do is put even indirect/well pressure on you.
I do not want H (Herb) to post here because he feels that he HAS to. I would love for him to do what ever it takes for him to communicate in a non-threatening way, and get to the bottom of, not just control his anger - IF that's what he wants.
It doesn't make any difference to me if that means posting/learning from this forum, going to therapy, or sitting crossed-legged for 3 hours per day. If something works, we can get somewhere
I believe that every action/emotion has its origin in love or fear. So I believe H's anger is a result of fear of something. Understanding that makes it impossible for me to hate him. I would give anything to understand him!
I suggested to H that he participate on the forum, and I am, because I feel that this is the last tool that I have available to save us.
Even though I in no way hate H, I do have to preserve my sanity if SOMETHING doesn't work.
I feel that I am now in a holding pattern: as long as I don't get yelled at, I am more than willing to be patient.
But H, if you are uncomfortable, and are only posting because you think you HAVE to, I wish you wouldn't. The last thing I want to do is put even indirect/well pressure on you.
Please do what you think works for you.
Let me again say this to Herb...If you make changes in your life for someone else, they are less likely to stick. If you are going to make changes, make them because YOU want them. If you don't have the desire to change, let your W know now so you both can save some time and move on.
I'm posting becuase I want to and I'm thankful that you haven't given me the boot. I have learned a great deal from the forum, and I continue to learn from you, as well.
I do not want H (Herb) to post here because he feels that he HAS to. I would love for him to do what ever it takes for him to communicate in a non-threatening way, and get to the bottom of, not just control his anger - IF that's what he wants.
It doesn't make any difference to me if that means posting/learning from this forum, going to therapy, or sitting crossed-legged for 3 hours per day. If something works, we can get somewhere
I believe that every action/emotion has its origin in love or fear. So I believe H's anger is a result of fear of something. Understanding that makes it impossible for me to hate him. I would give anything to understand him!
I suggested to H that he participate on the forum, and I am, because I feel that this is the last tool that I have available to save us.
Even though I in no way hate H, I do have to preserve my sanity if SOMETHING doesn't work.
I feel that I am now in a holding pattern: as long as I don't get yelled at, I am more than willing to be patient.
But H, if you are uncomfortable, and are only posting because you think you HAVE to, I wish you wouldn't. The last thing I want to do is put even indirect/well pressure on you.
Please do what you think works for you.
Hi Talk--I appreciate your perspective and your open heart, and that's beautiful that you are willing to share that and support the journey your of your marriage.
I'd like to encourage you to internally challenge your view that this is yours/Herb's LAST CHANCE.
There are infinitely so many options available to the both of you. I hope--and we all hope--that you and Herb find your way here. That you find TOOLS to help you work through things that get between you. It isn't the ONLY thing. The clock really isn't ticking. YOU and HERB choose. Only the two of you. Nobody and Nothing else. You may need some help, but one thing shines a light on another, and you just never know what will happen.
Logically, I believe that H loves me, wants to stop the verbal attacks, and enjoy spending the rest of our lives as a happy couple.
However, emotionally, I AM at a turning point. Each time I forgive an outburst, my artist's soul withers a bit more.
My work requires me to be creative, and that I can still fake if I don't feel it, but I used to wake up with inspiration each day, my head swimming with ideas to create. I painted, I designed, I lived in a visual world that didn't exist yet - and I couldn't wait to make it real.
I no longer care about my visual environment, writing, or creating. I miss that.
I think that all of my internal energy is focused on surviving, keeping the peace, and not setting H off. I can't live that way any longer. It's interesting to me that when he goes away, my creative energy returns.
H used to love that part of me, until I wasn't working 3 years ago. Then, it became playing, a waste of time, and he resented me for doing anything other than useful tasks.
I know that H now regrets abusing his position of bread-winner and has asked me many times to sell the shop, come back home, and resume cooking, writing, painting, etc.
And I would/will IN A SECOND! When I FEEL that he is safe to trust with my heart again. I have a wonderful employee whom I know I will pass the shop on to at some point. In the meantime, the shop is my H in that it is providing financial support, it encourages me to dream, it rewards creativity, and it doesn't hurt me.
I am patient, I am not vindictive, and I understand that H's anger is not about me, but I also know now that this is one of my boundaries. I will not bend/break again.
I’m truly sorry that I’ve diminished your creative spirit. Each time I look around our house, I see the negative effects of my anger, both current and in the past. I know how creative you are, a unique gift given only to a select few.
It stings to read your creative energy returns after I depart, but I understand and acknowledge how you feel. When I’m angry, dismissive or self-righteous, I give off negative energy. In the past, I never really acknowledged the effects of energy, but I do now. When your hurt, when your vulnerable because you don’t trust me, I can feel your energy; your like a freekin lightning rod. Artists are a unique breed, and creativity is all about energy, and I know, that you thrive on positive energy. I am so very sorry that I’ve stolen your energy.
Yes, I regret all my bread-winner comments. What I would give to reverse our lives a few years.
Your store rocks and I know it takes all of your creative energy to make it work. However, you’re strong, and I will do whatever I can to help.
More importantly, I want US to move forward TOGEHTOR. That doesn’t mean I erase the past, moreover, I acknowledge and want to keep dialogue between us open.
