I spoke to S17 briefly this morning regarding living arrangements next year after the divorce is final. I asked him if he wants to still live with me or with his Mom. He said he might want to live with her. I told him to consider that she and OM/Boss may be living together by then. I suggested he speak with his Mom, since that is what she and I agreed to when we spoke on the weekend. I hope she doesn't get angry about me mentioning them possibly living together. She usually takes any comment like that as me intruding on her life with OM. I think S17 needs to know all possible factors while making the decision.
Woke up on my side of the bed again. I guess 20 plus years is a hard habit to break.
Another tough day today. Some times I wonder how much of this I can take.
STBX brought S17 home from work today. I was outside doing yard work. STBX and I hadn't seen each other since April 25th. She has been working out and is thinner than the last time I saw her. However, she didn't look crazy hot as I remember her. Usually I am all worked up after seeing her, but not today. I guess that's good.
We talked for a few minutes while S17 was in the house getting a from for her to sign. There was some small talk, but then it turned to the R. She wants me to buy her out of the house now, but does not want to divorce now, so she still has health insurance on my plan. She would sign the house over to me. She said it would be some closure. I said I am not sure it's even financially possible for me. I would prefer to wait until next year, but will do it now if I can, but will also want the divorce done now too. May as well get it all over at one time.
At one point, before the money etc talk, I asked for a hug. (I know!!!! I know!!!). She turned me down, of course. Then instinctively, I caressed her back and hips area when she was talking to S17. There was no reaction. There were no sparks there for me. It may been something I used to do all the time, but it sure didn't feel the same.
She did say that she will continue to pay me $1000 per month as long as kids are with me - or at least for some time. Not that long ago she said she would not pay anymore. I think that was just a threat at that time. Not really sure.
We talked about XMAS and she said she doesn't think it's a good idea for us to go away with kids as we have the last 2 years. She doesn't think I will handle it well. I have no idea what we will do now. It's going to be one crappy XMAS, considering I have no relationship with my extended family. There is a faint hope that we could still go, but I am not even sure how it would go by then.
Now for the REALLY bad part. Just seeing her made me so weak, that I called her a short time later. Basically, I asked if she is sure she wants to proceed. I clearly stated that I still don't think it's right and still don't want to divorce. I said "I want to make sure this is not a divorce of convenience". She said it's not easy or convenient. I said "I mean, easier than working hard and being dedicated to saving our marriage". She said she is sure and "doesn't want to be back together".
So....one more nail in the coffin. There is no more room for more nails. I had very little hope of saving us before today, and now I have none. I know it wasn't smart dbing to call her, but at this point, I have nothing to lose. I had to say it, so that she knows I have not closed the door, despite her relationship with OM/Boss.
I guess all I can do now is further accept that it really is over and that she is happy with OM and her life as it is. This is yet another crushing day, but really it just confirms what I already knew.
I will try to focus on the positives: she wasn't incredibly attractive to me, she is willing to continue paying $1000 monthly for kids, she won't bring OM on XMAS vacation if we manage to have one, and she actually wants me to keep the house and keep kids with me.
I suppose it could be worse. But, hearing her say "NO" again, still hurts me. I still love her and probably always will. We were meant to be together forever and I just can't shake that no matter how hard I try. It's been 6 years since my first visit here and I still can't believe it will never be better. We won't be old together. We won't be grandparents together. My dream of dancing as husband and wife at our daughter's wedding will never come true.
I am hurting, but I will be ok. Nothing has killed me yet, and either will this.
Why are you still letting her call the shots? She's got OM, she's got your balls in her pocket, at what point are you going to stop letting her laugh and spit in your face?
Sorry to be so blunt, but you've got to do something to start being THE man that you claim in your signature.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
BTM, sorry for the pain you are going through. You've already given yourself the necessary 2x4s, so no need for me to rehash them. There is one thing I have to point out though... xmas is over 6 months away! I understand looking to the future, but that's waaaay too far in advance to know where any of you will be.
Focus on today, maybe tomorrow. Not July, not December, today!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Why are you still letting her call the shots? She's got OM, she's got your balls in her pocket, at what point are you going to stop letting her laugh and spit in your face?
Sorry to be so blunt, but you've got to do something to start being THE man that you claim in your signature.
I get that. I do. What could I have done differently today - in regards to her calling the shots. I didn't agree to any of it and will likely take a few days to collect myself and then tell her I am not going to decide anything right now, but if I do keep the house, I won't be paying her out until next year as originally planned and that we will finalize divorce then.
BTM, sorry for the pain you are going through. You've already given yourself the necessary 2x4s, so no need for me to rehash them. There is one thing I have to point out though... xmas is over 6 months away! I understand looking to the future, but that's waaaay too far in advance to know where any of you will be.
Focus on today, maybe tomorrow. Not July, not December, today!
LP - I only seem to be able to focus on the day when I stay dark. Even limited exposure to her brings me to my knees. I suppose one of these days, I will truly "quit" when she tells me for the hundredth time that there is no hope.
I hate the fact that I have no control over myself when she is anywhere near me.
"she said she doesn't think it's a good idea for us to go away with kids as we have the last 2 years. She doesn't think I will handle it well."
Read back at your posts. You mention "she" quite a bit. Stand your ground. WTF does she mean she doesn't think that YOU will handle it well? What is she your mom? You should have told her that you don't really care about whether or not she thinks you can handle it. You are only looking after yourself and the kids and that you were "done" because of all of her disrespect towards you all this time.
""What could I have done differently today - in regards to her calling the shots."
Before she started getting into her diatribe, you should have just said, 'hey I've got alot of stuff to finish off so tell me about it later."
She has to see that you are standing up for you.
Rather than saying things like "I still think it's a bad idea". Say "I know it's a bad idea".
Did you ever see the movie "Dodgeball"? There's that character with the glasses whose W walks all over him and the coach keeps telling the guy that he's got to get angry to bring out his aggressive side. Well that's what you need to do. Get angry. Get passionate. Start thinking about numero uno.
Have a running theme song in your head that will put you in that mood. Or a scene in your mind that will put you into that mindset. You can do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts and life is gonna be good again, even though it might not feel like it right now. Even though you could have interacted with her differently, you are going through a tremendous thing and we're pulling for you.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Bond - I have to admit that the one and only approach I have not taken so far is to really stand my ground. I am far more the passive aggressive type with her. But..yet...as a Sales Manager at a new car dealership I can stand my ground with anyone else.
I was so excited just to see her, and have her come by the house, that I never even thought about just being busy with yard work as I really was. Nothing good came out of our conversation, so in hindsight there was no reason for me to have it. She got exactly what she wanted.
So...here's my plan: I will go dark again and re-think my plan of giving her a card for her birthday next week. I won't say a word about financial stuff. I will make her bring it up. I will then say that I am not sure what is best for me and kids yet. Then at some point, tell her I have decided to stay with our original plan. At least, that gives me some control and she will be the one waiting for my answers.
At this point, even if I make her angry, what do I have to lose?
Thanks Mr. Bond. I needed that. Without RobX and Gnosis around to make me Be The Man, I fall back to what comes naturally - and look where that got me.
