Another tough day today. Some times I wonder how much of this I can take.
STBX brought S17 home from work today. I was outside doing yard work. STBX and I hadn't seen each other since April 25th. She has been working out and is thinner than the last time I saw her. However, she didn't look crazy hot as I remember her. Usually I am all worked up after seeing her, but not today. I guess that's good.
We talked for a few minutes while S17 was in the house getting a from for her to sign. There was some small talk, but then it turned to the R. She wants me to buy her out of the house now, but does not want to divorce now, so she still has health insurance on my plan. She would sign the house over to me. She said it would be some closure. I said I am not sure it's even financially possible for me. I would prefer to wait until next year, but will do it now if I can, but will also want the divorce done now too. May as well get it all over at one time.
At one point, before the money etc talk, I asked for a hug. (I know!!!! I know!!!). She turned me down, of course. Then instinctively, I caressed her back and hips area when she was talking to S17. There was no reaction. There were no sparks there for me. It may been something I used to do all the time, but it sure didn't feel the same.
She did say that she will continue to pay me $1000 per month as long as kids are with me - or at least for some time. Not that long ago she said she would not pay anymore. I think that was just a threat at that time. Not really sure.
We talked about XMAS and she said she doesn't think it's a good idea for us to go away with kids as we have the last 2 years. She doesn't think I will handle it well. I have no idea what we will do now. It's going to be one crappy XMAS, considering I have no relationship with my extended family. There is a faint hope that we could still go, but I am not even sure how it would go by then.
Now for the REALLY bad part. Just seeing her made me so weak, that I called her a short time later. Basically, I asked if she is sure she wants to proceed. I clearly stated that I still don't think it's right and still don't want to divorce. I said "I want to make sure this is not a divorce of convenience". She said it's not easy or convenient. I said "I mean, easier than working hard and being dedicated to saving our marriage". She said she is sure and "doesn't want to be back together".
So....one more nail in the coffin. There is no more room for more nails. I had very little hope of saving us before today, and now I have none. I know it wasn't smart dbing to call her, but at this point, I have nothing to lose. I had to say it, so that she knows I have not closed the door, despite her relationship with OM/Boss.
I guess all I can do now is further accept that it really is over and that she is happy with OM and her life as it is. This is yet another crushing day, but really it just confirms what I already knew.
I will try to focus on the positives: she wasn't incredibly attractive to me, she is willing to continue paying $1000 monthly for kids, she won't bring OM on XMAS vacation if we manage to have one, and she actually wants me to keep the house and keep kids with me.
I suppose it could be worse. But, hearing her say "NO" again, still hurts me. I still love her and probably always will. We were meant to be together forever and I just can't shake that no matter how hard I try. It's been 6 years since my first visit here and I still can't believe it will never be better. We won't be old together. We won't be grandparents together. My dream of dancing as husband and wife at our daughter's wedding will never come true.
I am hurting, but I will be ok. Nothing has killed me yet, and either will this.
