I went by to pick up the kids from her apartment, which I dont know if I ever posted that she leased for 6 months. IT will not end until November. I also need to say that she is leaving on the 10th of July for 5 weeks for training for her job. SHe will not be able to come home on the weekends. I dont know how she will react to that, or how I will. Maybe the time apart will help us both. Today has been a tough day and still is, me and the kids are about to leave for my s12 baseball game about 30 miles from here. She will not be there as she is working the late shift for her job as she always does on Thursdays. I will have to learn to take the good days with the bad and realize it is all part of my recovery. The kids are doing much better and seemed to have a good time with her last night.
Normally when I pick them up, or she drops them off she makes sure to come down with them or walk them to my door. She hasnt the last couple of times and it makes me feel that she is truly moving on. I also think she just may be playing the game in order to get me to come to her. I know it would be easier for her if I was to come to her and beg again. But that would only let her know that I am still waiting for her. The weekend is coming and I guess she will be back in the bar rooms. This will get easier as she has not much ammunition left to throw at me.
Again if we are worth it to her, then she has to be the one to make the first move. I hope I am right about that.
Its funny, this is not much different than ten years ago, she left and starting partying, married another man, and then realized that she made a mistatke and came home. I need to be patient, it kills me to be. But I will continue to Dbing and stay dark.
Its Friday morning, and the kids and I are about to get out of here and go do something fun today. I feel kinda a weird this morning as I was messing around on Match.com a few days ago and put a free profile on there. I had a nice woman with kids respond to my profile and she seems to good to be true. I just wonder if I should not get involved right now. I also know I cant let a good thing pass me by waiting on W to decide on what she is going to do. Any suggestions?
Ok, its Sat morning and I feel better this morning. Didnt want to lay around in bed. Normally it takes a little while to get going as I will stay in bed and think too much. Had a ball game last night for s12, which I coach him still for this team. Good for me as I am on the field with him and dont have to be in stands with w. I had posted that it seemed she was turning things around on me and making me wonder if she is getting on with her life. Since last friday which is the last time she exploded and cried, she has been very quiet. She has been calling and texting kids as I had asked. All which I feel made me feel worse. I guess as long as she was crying and compaining I felt I was making some progress. Again seems the OM is out of the picture. She came to the ballgame last night, and sat in the stands with d14. She does make it obvious at times when she just walks up and looks at me and says nothing , not hi or hello or kiss her butt. I will always try to at the least acknowledge she is there by saying hello. I think at this point I should stop and let her start any type of conversation.
About half way into the game, I noticed my d14 had an upset look on her face, so I left the dugout in between innings and went to ask her. W had walked away to the bathroom, d14 told me that her mom took her cell phone away for not going to get her something from concession stand. I was like, wow really. She said yes, she is acting like a child, and I dont know what her problem is with me. I told d14 to just relax and I would talk to her after the game and I would get her phone back for her. A few minutes later s8 came to me in dugout and asked for money to get something to eat. I heard w yell to me not to give him any money, I walked down the fence to the stands and asked what was going on. She told me that she already gave him 5 dollars and he wasted it. D14 yelled to me that he bought her a snowball with the money. I told w that it has been a while since his last meal, and then walked away. When I got back to the dugout , i looked up to see if she was going to give him the money, and she looked at me with the evil eye and mouthed something to me. I just left it alone and went on with my game. After game, i was packing my truck, and w was in her car and pulled up by me and asked if she could speak to me. I walked over and she said there were some things that she was upset about. She said that d14 did not do what she told her to do and took her phone, I told her well you are in fact her mother and if that what you felt you needed to do, then I have no need to know that. Then she said she was mad because I told her to give s8 some money. I told her that I only told her the last time he ate and it was up to her to give him money or not, again you are his mother. Then she went off about us going to the mall earlier that day. She said I got off early and wanted to spend time with them. I asked her if she told me or the kids that she was getting of early, then she said no. She then wanted to know why I was out spending money at the mall. I told her we did not spend any money, just went walking around the mall as that was what the kids wanted to do. I think it was more about me GALing then anything.
She then commented about the kids spending the night with her this weekend and I said you never told anyone your plans for this weekend and that I have been trying to force a schedule to her for the kids. Again she has only had them spend the night wit her 3 times in the three weeks she has been gone. D14 told her earlier that they could spend saturday night as s12's game would be over by 2 and they could spend rest of the day and night with her. which was my suggestion as it would give her more time with the kids as what she always complains about. I told her while she was sitting in car that it was up to her and the kids and I didnt want to be part of that. I kept the conversation short and polite and then walked away back to my truck. I noticed when she was leaving that again she was crying. I also noticed again, she did nothing but stare at me during the ballgame. Its almost like she wants me to come to her and ask for her to return home. I know this is killing her as much as me but I continue not to show it. I was very proud of the way I handled myself last night. watched a movie with the kids last night and then went to bed. I did give a little thought about what she was doing last night, if she was out drinking again, but I know that is part of Gods plan not mine if she is. I only ask him to protect her.
d14 made comment on the way home that her mom is acting like a child and blaming her for everything. I told her not to worry and she has no blame. I told her that this was part of moms journey and things she has to work through. Just like I told her the day her mom walked out the door. I told all of them last night that what is going on with mom right now, is part of what is expected to happen when mom made her decision to do what she is doing now and that she would get through it and be better one day soon. Hope you all have a great day!!
Kids are staying with her tonight, and they are there now. It hurts when I dont have them as they are truly my life. That is were I have to slap myself with a 2x4, if they are truly my life and I love them unconditionaly, I know right now she is not the one for me. Not that she cant be, but right now she is not. I find myself caught in a rut do to the fact that she came back 10 years ago after leaving. I guess in my head I am waiting again. I have to take the focus off of that for now, she is not ready , nor am I ready for her to come back yet. If OM is done, she still has to face her demons and her family with questions of whey she left in the first place. She has to try to prove to everyone that leaving was the right thing to do. I just spoke with my brother by phone as I needed to talk as I am missing my kids badly right now. He asked what will she have to offer you if she came back. He asked me to think back to 6 months ago before she told me she didnt love me anymore. What type of life did I have with her then. She was always out to late hours partying. She never hugged or kissed on you, the kids would always see her going out and never knowing what time she got back home. They would see her around the house drinking, and never showing them much love and affection. He said at least now they dont have to see it, and I deserve better than that. He said if me and kids are worth more, as I told him, then let her fight the fight to prove it. She knows who I am, he said she knows how much you care, she told him numerous times how good of and husband and father you are. Let her come to you, let her prove to you how much value you truly have. I will continue the journey, I have been detached for 5 weeks now, with now phone calls to her or no text. I have not showed any emotion or made any comments about R or OM.
Had all star game yesterday for S12. W came to field with dress on that she knows I love and make up and the works. She made numerous attempts to talk to me, and even put her hand on my back to make a comment about shorts that I was wearing. I dont know what her deal is, if she is trying to check my temp, or what. She has been acting different for the past 10 days, of course I have been distant and in the dark for those 10 days. I went to her moms on saturday to drop off meds for s8. When I got there, I knocked on the door, I can hear w say get the door its Daddy. Normally she would say its your dad, or call me by name. She thanked me and just looked at me the whole time I was there. Which in the end was only about 5 minutes. Her mom asked me 3 times to stay for a while, and I say I had to go. Yesterday at game she was more talkative to not only me but other people that were there. Normally she keeps to herself for whatever reason, maybe guilt or shame of what she did. She made a comment to s8 who asked her why she was standing up by the main gate to ball field after game. She replied she was waiting for her family to come. Which at the time me and kids were together. I do know she has been back on medication for about 2 weeks. I just wonder what to do now, if I stand my ground and keep in the dark, or try to check her tempature.
Last night a s12 ball game, she walked in and came up to me and said hi, which she normally doesnt do. She made a comment that I had something on my lip and began to rub it off. I told her that I could get it and said thank you. During the game she sent me a text message about s12 and how good he is playing. Of course she is only ten feet in front of me. I feel she was trying to start a text conversation and did not give in. After game was over she told kids by and then walked past me and rubbed me on the back and said bye. She never says bye when she leaves, dont know where she is going with this. She seemed real nervous last night and even caught her looking up to the sky a couple times, as if she was lookin up to god. When she got in her car and started to leave she told s8 to tell me to come talk to her a second. I went to her car window and she made a comment about one of the toilets at the field leaking if I would tell the coach about it. I said , I would take care of it and thanks, she then drove away.
I never got into the whole bar scene when we were together. I dont mind it but never desired it. On the other hand she did, we would go out sometimes together, but she mostly liked to go out with her friends. She did make comments when we were together about going out, but it always seemed when it was time to go she did not want me to go with her, as most woman have more fun with freinds than husbands. Well I decided to get out the house this past wed night and go to a local bar with my neighbor for about an hour. She had the kids until 10 that night, so I went. I figured it would be a good opportunity to GAL. well I went stayed for about an hour and then went to pick up kids and went home. When I got there she was very nice and even for the first time told me goodnight, I replied goodnight back and closed the door. Last night I was laying in bed and the kids were in their beds when I got a text from her asking me if I had a good time in the BAR wednesday night. She had went to go eat dinner with her cousin last night and her cousin showed her the picture of me in the bar that i posted to facebook. I told her I had a good time. She told me that was great and I never went out with her. I also told her that I didnt reply to the text quickly as I was in the shower. She texted me back, that it was great how I was going out, taking a shower every night and sleeping in the bed everynight. I texted back that I went out to see what it was all about and had fun. I told her that before she left that she had some valid points on things that I needed to change and I was changing to better me for me. She advised whatever and said goodnight and I replied the same. I guess these are the little signs that the book talks about. Not taking much from it, but it must have struck a nerve. Now she knows that I can change for her or someone else. Let her start to worry a bit.
She didnt come to S12 baseball game last night or this morning. My D14 said she has not heard from her today. She normally calls them by mid morning to say hi. At this point, as I said before that god was taking care of her. I will not call and check on her, nor will I ask kids to do so.
Sometimes I feel the no contact with kids, is her way of showing them also that she wants them to make the first move to contact her. My kids are in the same shape as me, they didnt want or ask her to leave either. But you know she has always been the one to keep herself occupied which I am sure she is doing today. As long as she is at work or out she doesnt think about it. Which is why I have been doing the same thing staying busy. That isnt hard with three kids, as it is a full time job to keep up with them as well as cooking,cleaning,clothes, sports. She has it made I feel she only gets them a couple nights a week and most of the time they come home at 10pm. I wouldnt have it any other way, but yesterday I felt emotionally and physically drained. Today is a better day, about to take kids swimming.
