With all due respect to the very wise people who are advising you Denver, I do have some gentle concerns for you.
I don't think, based on what you've said about your wife, that she would deliberately manipulate you. I do also think you've both experienced some heavy shocks in the last couple of weeks and it wouldn't surprise me if she was a bit panicked at this point.
My concern is she may be drawing you closer to calm herself without really knowing what she wants beyond some short term soothing. That might be fine in the long run but it might also mean when she calms down she'll start another round of re-evaluation that might seem manipulative when you have the benefit of hind sight.
My more pressing concern is for you yourself. You have acknowledged a small doubt about your motives for wanting your wife back. I can relate to this.
I'm a 48 year old very sucessful criminal defence lawyer. My wife and I have been married for 23 years with three teenage daughters. My wife is a trained fine artist who spent much of her most productive years helping me build my law practice and raising our kids. I was the 'dominant' partner in our relationship and, like you, I abused that position at times. 16 months ago my wife told me she had enough and was 'done'. She started an 'exit' affair with a much younger singer who was in many ways my opposite and even according to her, an unsuitable partner.
My wife has since told me she was sure she was doing me a favor by leaving and that I would embrace my freedom because I didn't ever really want her. She was surprised by the efforts I went to save our marriage. Slowly, very slowly, we have been working our way back toward one another. During this process I've had to ask myself many times to be honest about my motivations. Getting honest answers has been an exercise in unravelling a lot of self deception and has been an extremely valuable process for me, no matter what happens with my marriage.
I would urge you to slow your process down. Take time for yourself to understand your motivations very clearly. I think it would be good for wife to do the same. I don't think you will regret the time you took. I think I understand the sense of urgency you may be feeling. That can be misleading in my opinion. If you and your wife reconcile you will have many years to work together growing your love, please don't let the opportunity to take six months to a year to build a solid foundation for that slip by because you acted from a sense of panicked urgency.
While I understand it, in my opinion, the coffees and meet ups everyday or every couple days is too much too soon. She asked for a month at one point. You thought three months. You both seem to be rushing past that. Like I said I think I understand the urge to 'strike while the iron is hot' and probably there's something too that but if you two have a basis for moving forward I don't think taking some time for yourselves right now will jeopardise it.
I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.
