Pregnancy and the LD husband

[Dr.mom]

He didn't help out with the newborn at night due to my choosing.
He did indeed try the first few weeks, but it left him so exhausted by the morning he could barely function at work. And there was little he could do, I just easily rolled over, breastfed, changed her and went back to sleep. No sense in both of us getting woke up every 2 hours. If the roles were reversed, I would have wanted it that way was well.

Compared to my work-life, staying at home with a baby was a snap. Given the choice of staying in my pj's at 2AM or doing surgery and dealing with crabby patients in the middle of the night after not sleeping for 3 days?? I'll take the baby. Parenthood's been an easy vacation for me . . .

Right now the problem we have is timing. He is pretty typical where testosterone peaks at 7 AM. Even before the baby, he basically told me ML in the evenings was pretty out. If he came home early in a good mood around 4PM we might get busy, but other than that, I can't remember the last time we had sex after dark in over a year or so . .

So now sex is limited to the weekends. If we get lucky. And that's maybe once a month. Mainly due to our daughter waking up to play around 6 AM. And I'm doing my darndest to get her to sleep longer, even waking up at 5 to feed her change her and try to get her back to sleep again by 7 AM so we can have some time alone after H wakes up. It rarely works.

H was sweet last night, after a few days of arguing, he told me he was going to forget the alarm clock this morning and go into work late (he runs the company, so he's earned it). I express my enthusiasm and tell him I'd love that! (thinking I'm gonna get lucky).

No dice. Baby woke up early this morning and could not go back to sleep. ARGH! We just got up and went about our normal day . .

I know I'm not supposed to put pressure on him, but if I were a dad, and sex was at least a little bit on my mind, I'd be looking for it any chance I can get. Baby went down for a nap at 9 AM! Woo hoo! Now's our chance!!!! Heck, put her in the playpen to entertain herself for 7 minutes and go in the other room for a quickie!!!

It never happens. IF that first-thing-after-you-wake-up-sex doesn't happen. . . . he gets up showers starts the day and never looks back.

This is driving me insane. I'm thrilled with how I survived the pregnancy, c-section included, and how energized I feel. I don't feel like the typical dragged-dowm mommy. And I have an uncooperative husband . . .

All my male friends want to SHOOT HIM!!!!

There are so many things at play here, I know this problem is very multi-factorial. Hormones, aging, the stress of changing his whole life, moving, having a family, adding an extra 45 minute commute . . .

There are probably elements of depression as well.

These things kinda reared their ugly head when we got married as well. Sex frequency declined very quickly after the first 9 months we were together. Arguments started then about my wanting more. And he expressed how it made him feel "inadequate".

I am also pretty sure he had an online pornography addiction in the past before me. It's something I can never get him to talk about. He gets very defensive about it. But I got enough info out of him in bits and pieces to know he spent a lot of time, alone, at night online in chat rooms and viewing videos after giving up on the dating scene.

At this time, I do not know how much it still affects him. He never views it at home anymore (At least I think not, after I busted him for doing it one weekend while I was out of town, and he had no interest in ML to me before I left for the trip or after).

Before we were married, his residence was next to his office. He used to go home for lunch and . . . well. . . .you know. This might have been a daily occurance.

While we were engaged, and things started to cool down, I snooped on his computer. While we were not having sex all week, he'd view online material, just a bit here and there a few times a week.

After a while I confronted him. And it was a mess.

I know he does it for "stress relief", and sometimes masturbation is easier for guys that dealing with a "real woman". I tried to tell him it was not the porn I was mad about, it was the fact that I was willing and able and he wasn't taking me up on the offer.

This went round and round for a while. It was like he got his "dream girl" for companionship (we are indeed best friends and activity partners, so much more a "Couple" than my first marriage) but prefered porn for his sexual release.

And yes, I've read every book in the library about porn addiction. SO I'm well-versed. He fits the role of "a habituater". He was dateless for SOOOO long that porn became a way of life. (He's a fabulous guy, but women have tended to overlook him his whole adult life as he's bald and only 5'6).

When we first got together, he even had a hard time having sex with a person. He was so habituated to his routine with porn that things wouldn't work, he couldn't finish in bed with me. I recognized this right off the bat . . .

We worked through it but I still feel that porn is his crutch. It's immediate, easy, and simple and accessible.

One time he came home and had difficulty in bed with me (and I knew he had been viewing porn that lunchbreak). So I confronted him about it and he said he "needed it to get revved up to come home to me". I didn't let him see it, but I just about broke down.

No guy has ever needed porn to be attracted to me . . .

So . . there is a problem there. But over the past year I can't get him to be transparent about it. He appears to be making strides to combat it. Sex has improved between us, but the frequency is about once a month. Then went to zero when I got pregnant, it was like he could find an excuse for everything not to do it. It was a 7 month dry-spell.

When we sold his house in town, I lost my advantage, I could no longer check up on his porn usage. But before then I saw that he had deleted the three saved video files he had. But he switched to viewing saved photos he had on his hard drive. It was odd. There was about 6 photos of women, looks like they were manufactured, not photos someone sent him or he took. Like one was of Angie Everhart, in a white nightgown, some advertisement, I guess.

SO it appeared he was switching from porn videos down to this. Photos that don't even constitute porn to me (women fully clothed, in jeans with a cut-off-t-shirt). So was this part of his recovery? Did he really have to look at this to get aroused to come home to me?

I've never deal with this before . . .

When asked he said "those pictures are just fantasy", and I said "but you have reality right here, looking you in the face".

So on our wedding night I got a white lace nightgown like the one in the Angie Everhart photo. He took one look at it (I thought it was quite pretty) and said "take that thing off, you look kinda ridiculous" (I'm more of a white hanes t-shirt kinda woman) and later said "just be YOU, don't try to be what you THINK I want you to be".

Well, that's all well and good, but I don't think you WANT me as I am!

SO long before the pregnancy this has been going on. When I'd bust him looking at porn at home he'd say weird things like "How do you know I was even DOING anything to those photos?"

Then I thought maybe he had a libido problem. Like he was worried he wasn't able to orgasm around me, so he was trying it out by himself? Does this make sense? I'm so damn confused . . .

I figured maybe he was struggling with me. No guys wants to deal with the fact he can't finish in bed, and an unsupportive woman could take that as an insult. I tried to be supportive, saying things like "Hey, it's hard for me to reach the big O sometimes as well, it's normal, and OK, so don't avoid me."

I have no idea what goes on at this point.

He'd better not be viewing porn at the office. He makes it a point to get there at 7 AM and his associates come in at 8.

I'm sure with the stress and frustrations at home, sex online in the mornings is probably his only escape . . .

I'm tired of snooping. I don't have the energy to truck into town to his office to check up on him . . . but don't know how else to confront him. Every conversation we've ever had about it he's gotten very defensive, probably lied some and then just shuts down.

There is just so much other stuff going on (hormones, health, stress, his inability to sleep at night etc etc) it's like peeling away the layers of an onion.

Thanks for letting me vent. I just gotta take this one step at a time . . .