Im relatively new here - and been posting mostly to joural...see my posts on the newcomers board if you want background.....
so I'm definately NOT qualified in anyway to help - but thought I'd share my thoughts with you ... they might help...
I can relate to your sit. SO well - as I am going through almost exactly the same thing right now ..
I've realised through counselling and self help that I had very low self esteem ( deep rooted - always is!) insecurity, abandonment issues, anger issues ( but not physical in any way!!) and I was co-dependant.
So I have lots of issues I have to resolve as well as our marriage problems.
I decided 2 weeks ago to "put my marriage in a box on the shelf" for a little while whilst i continue the work I have to do on myself - and my husband agreed....we are continuing contact and seeing each other - but not "rebuilding" anything at this stage.
All this and my behaviours resulted in my husband having 2 EA's in 7 years - I didn't know about the first one until 12 weeks ago - and the 2nd one got physical with kissing ... I discovered all this at the end of february this year.
Both EA's lasted a few months, and there is definately no third party involved now.
he does everything he can to prove this to me - I have a set of keys for his accomodation, he leaves his phone lying around, I can use his laptop if i wanted to.
But because he is making me feel secure with these things - I'm finding that I dont have the urge to check on him.
His problem is that he knows he loves me - but because of what he has done - thinks he cant possibly love me the way he should.... he suffers untreated depression and has huge guilt and remorse for what he has done..
Anwyay - we entered couple counselling which helped us see WHY they happened - and I DONT blame myself - not at all - he CHOSE to be unfaithful.. and he CHOSE not to tell me we had problems.....
but I DO have to accept a huge amount of responsibility for why they happened...
So anyway - we are at the moment undergoing a 6 month "controlled separation" - and he doesn't trust me at the moment to change my behaviours....
JUST LIKE YOUR WIFE SEEMS TO - he wants me to PROVE to him how much I have changed - he almost feels justified for having the EA's.....
they were a FORM OF REVENGE FOR THE WAY I BEHAVED TOWARDS HIM
We are being affectionate with each other, occasionally making love ( because our goal IS to end up together again - otherwise this would be a huge NO-NO) and having a family meal together once a week.....
BUT I've realised lots of things over these 12 weeks - and now I am NOT so available to him - Ive thrown myself into GAL - but for ME this time !!!
this is great advice all over the forum - and its true...
I STOPPED initiating every call, text, meeting, and its making a difference.
He wants ME to prove to him I'VE changed - HE is still hurt, and frustrated at the way i behaved in our marriage and is not ready to just forgive me just because I understand what i did..
I know i have changed - so like you - I am starting to feel now that I need HIM to WANT to pursue me.... BUT I KNOW I MIGHT HAVE TO WAIT QUITE A WHILE YET FOR THIS TO HAPPEN....
I know that the best advice I have been given is to BE PATIENT BE PATIENT and BE MORE PATIENT - AND MAKE THE CHANGES FOR YOURSELF!!!
I have 2 sayings i find inspiring right now -
He was a wise man to leave the woman I was But he would be a fool to leave the woman i am becoming
and
I have not shut the door - I am just now standing here holding it open at the moment.
