WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

So, heres my story:
W was in Europe for business for about a month last year. Came home and tells me she doesn't feel the same way about me as she used to - can't see herself getting old w/ me anymore and whatnot. I chalked it up to a normal phase of a Stage 4 relationship. It bothered me, but I tried to reassure her that sometimes we don't always feel 'excited' to see our spouses and that she shouldn't feel so bad.

As artists, our employment situation has been iffy at best, and to be honest I've struggled more than she did to be successful. Much of this is because I got burned out a few years ago and was living in denial about it for a long time. At times this manifested itself in me not taking good care of myself, not sleeping regularly, poor grooming habits, not trying to really thrive, etc.. basically all the signs of depression (which of course, I could not see..). She responded to this by telling me I was an embarrassment and implying that my failings were moral. Now, I am very good at arguing with people and being 'right' even when I'm wrong, so when put on my heels I would get defensive and we would fight. A lot happened over the past year - no matter what I did, she would always criticize it and cast doubt on it. When I would try to change she would suggest that it was only because I thought she wanted to hear that and that I would only do it until she got off my back.. not very supportive.

Things have been difficult for a while and I thought it was all my fault - I sought therapy in Feb. and after about a month or so felt better than I had in about 2 decades and was really motivated to work on M and then within a week of getting back w/ W, she tells me she's been having an EA and PA since last July. I told her to leave and we spent a few weeks apart. After about three weeks she calls me up telling me she needs to be home and that being around each other would be better for putting our marriage back together. I say OK, and that we should make an appt. with a Marriage Counselor ASAP. In hindsight, I believe this was premature and that I was not in a position to be around her and not be affected by the hurt and anger that I was feeling about her A. I think my PMA while she was elsewhere created a bit of hubris for me and I thought I could deal with it better than I did. Anyways, during the time she was back in the home, I was very kind to her - very supportive and encouraging her as best I could. Well, about 3 weeks in, I find these texts on her phone scheming w/ a friend of hers to send the OM a birthday gift, and her talking about calling him on his birthday. This hurt all the more, because she had admitted to seeing him while I was out of town getting therapy, and I was going to be out of town again for dental surgery. It feels like she is taking advantage of my misfortune to get her kicks. After getting caught, she got on a wave of "I don't know that I love you enough to try to work on our marriage" thing.. a lot. It felt like she was using our relationship as a weapon to keep me from telling her how she had hurt me. Anyways, within a week, she walked out the door.
Since then she has told me she wants a D. Given me the ILYBNILWY, talked about how she felt like she held herself back for me, told me how she doesn't love me enough to work on the marriage, claims that "in the long run I'll be happier", claims that she believes that D is better for her.

The marriage counseling never really went anywhere - the first visit was pretty superficial, and the second was my personal history.. the third was to deal with the new crisis, and the fourth was basically where she said she wanted Divorce. I hit the ceiling at that one (not literally) and ended up shouting at both her and the Marriage Counselor (who basically was saying "she says she doesn't want to be married to you anymore.. accept it") and pretty much declared marriage dead. Ended up walking out of the counseling session early because it was just too much for me @ the time (I since apologized to the counselor for my behavior). The Next day I read DB in one sitting and have resolved since then that no matter what, I am going to work on myself and my relationship skills, and will eventually have a more loving, more meaningful, and deeper relationship than the one I had going. With or without my current W. In many ways, I wanted a divorce - symbolically at least - from the old relationship - it felt like I was being manipulated and abused by her and that my attempts to set up boundaries ended up being perceived as (and might have been) controlling.

Since then, I have made every effort to change some things right away - no more 'logic bombing' my W if she talks to me about something and I disagree. I apologized for some of the things that I said to her that I felt were wrong or unfair. I have been really turning the microscope on myself quite a bit (to the point, in some cases, of perhaps beating myself up) and have discovered many things that I can improve and work on (controlling behaviors, fears of rejection or abandonment). Communication is minimal - I have been trying to pull back and give her space, but it seems like she is taking this as license to continue to walk all over me and 'dictate' the terms of our R and the D.

At this point, W has already met with a L and is planning on going through with filing for D. In the e-mail I got today, she essentially just laid out the steps for divorce as described by her L. She has basically said 'L will draft something up and then you will sign it.. ' From what I can tell, it seems that she has been plotting parts of this for a while now, to go into L office and file for D without really doing much else. My therapist said that its posssible she walked in there knowing exactly what she wanted to do and that she may be being very opaque about her intentions in order to keep me off balance. It also would appear she expects this D to be completely uncontested - she spoke of her L just drafting something (property division agreement) we both sign and then 90 days later we are D. She seems to be approaching this as something to be dealt with very cold and clinically - almost like a mail order vehicle registration renewal.

My own therapist (and parents, and friends...) has strongly encouraged me to get an L, FAST, and even file an at fault divorce first, in order to protect my interests. Especially in light of the fact that i don't want the actual D and that she is the one who actually did cross a bright red line in trms of her A. She (therapist) has framed it as 'its not a question of whether or not you love her, its a question of protecting yourself from someone who seems intent on getting their D so you might as well not give her everything else too.'

At this point, I'm confused and just plain exhausted. There is a part of me that wonders if W could ever actually change enough (integrity and commitment to working on problems have become big deal breakers for me) for me to want to work on M. To be honest, for a long time, neither one of us really worked towards solutions. Instead of solving problems, we got really good at identifying them (especially in the other person) pointing them out. That didn't help anything.

At the same time I do love my W, and I took my vows with complete intention to fulfill them. I value marriage and believe that it would be better to solve our problems with someone I already do love than to hope to fix them on my own or in a future relationship.

Either way, i feel like a lot of these changes are things I would be proud of regardless of the outcome of my marriage. I'm just looking for some insight and wisdom at this point. Esp. regarding contracting a L.