ooohweee what'sup wit that

[Redo]

When you realize fully, that moving on is NOT the same thing as giving up

and no, you don't reconcile to stay mad and broken. That isn't a restored marriage.

Yup, both very true. As for the latter i wonder what will happen when your partner still carries that anger, resentment and other negative feelings.

I guess you do your part, forgive yourself, better yourself and move on and leave the rest to time and higher powers...

[25yearsmlc]

DG:

Thanks it is nice to be missed

[quote]The tricky part in all this is for her not to come back because she FAILED financially.

Honestly 9 this is not a concern for me at all. She is pretty proud and would rather eat grass than to come back because of money. Of this I am sure.

Do I want her back?

That is a good question.

I miss her and I do love her

At this point it would be as much a choice for me as it would for her. It would be a challenge for both of us I guess if I ever get there I would have to think about what I would do. If I was still M the answer would be clear but since I am not it becomes a little murky. [/quote


I just wanted to say something here, although it's a bit late. I know that in my sitch h was shocked (shocked I tell you!!) To learn from a L, that assets would be divided the way they would be divided...

and I thought, "geez, who wants a spouse to come home for money reasons?"

but you know, who cares WHY they do, IF they also do the work with you?

I mean, I knew one thing for sure about my h. He would NOT return if he believed he'd be miserable.

So he'd work on our m. As would I.


As for what motivated him, though I know, thankfully, there were other good loving reasons,

even if it had been solely a financial one, so what?

We did the work, still are a work in progress, etc.

[♪CS♪]

We did the work, still are a work in progress, etc.

Interesting you say this. How would you characterize your M now? Better than before? Worse? Different? The same?

I can obviously wonder at times IF W ever decided to work on our M, what it would be like. Could it ever really feel normal again.

[25yearsmlc]

it is better.

Deeper, more trust and faith that we'll grow old together, and oddly, better sex too.


But he does annoy the heck out of me with the way he chews gum, snores, adds way too much "non matching" spices to grilled meat, and other essential character flaws he really ought to work on more....



yes we still fight and I know I have flaws that are not completely resolved...oh yeah, shockingly...I'm incorporating more of the 5LL's than I did before. Makes a big difference to h. (I know how obvious that sounds but reading something agreeing with it and then IMPLEMENTING it on a regular basis, is way different.

Yet small incremental changes, just a few "degrees" in one direction, DOWN THE ROAD,

lead you to a very different place than you would have been otherwise.

We fight better today. Not always but more than half the time, our fights have become almost "constructive". Hard to explain. There's actually some resolution of conflict, thankfully. Not just rehashing. And more clarity, less muttering under the breath...

Does this answer your question?

[25yearsmlc]

Country

I do still worry at times that h will get hurt or angry and not tell me until it's too late.

There's not a lot I can do about it. He sure seems happier and more satisfied in life than he was in his MLC.

Finances are a stress right now, due to MILs cancer and our going half time to care for her. Since she died in March, I have not found a full time position and it is bothering me a lot. I think it bothers him a lot but he won't complain about it b/c that would be pretty crappy of him considering...


He's full time b/c in his field he can always find work.

And we do have d13 at home and now it's summer.

If I stare at it, I can feel insecure but not "sick inside" if you kwim.


So I don't stare at that so much as I stare at what is good in our life right now and a lot


is really good. Hope this helps.

[♪CS♪]

Thank you, it does help very much.

I guess what it sounds like to me, is you have forgiven, but not completely forgotten. I actually think that is good. If we forget, we risk repeating past mistakes. The trick seems to be not letting the memories move you back, but rather forward.

[MichelleLT]

If we forget, we risk repeating past mistakes. The trick seems to be not letting the memories move you back, but rather forward.

YES!

Everyone I have seen R says it is better, but different. Deeper, but also more painful as you work to build the intimacy. But it pays off. Big time.

Piecing is hard. Processing the resentment, the anger, the why did you come back now and not befores.

2step - she thought she'd tried everything, therefore she told herself she had to leave. She didn't try everything, because she didn't know what other options were out there. You cannot blame her for lack of knowledge. We are all ignorant at some point.

You have to move one. You have to focus on you. You have to learn and grow. You have to be okay by yourself. Regardless of what happens in the M, D, R, or a new relationship.

People have to go a certain distance away before they can consider R. That's why it is important to back off early. I also see her move as part of her journey back to you. I also see her anger as a very very good thing (you don't get mad at something you don't care about, you just don't care). Anger means she is processing some of her resentment, going through another phase of her own journey.

But that's just speculation. The important thing it to take it day by day and focus on you and your D. Don't get caught up in the what ifs, the maybes.

Keep it business. Be courteous but not overly helpful. Keep it NC. Back off on all the books and questions about Jody. If she wants to finish the sessions, she will. If she wants to read the books, she will. If not, that's also her decision. Give her more than just physical space, give her emotional space.

[2stepboogie]

I'm not trying to mind f**k you, I promise.

LOL AK no worries I know you are not. Don’t worry about mind f**king me any receptors left for processing feelings were burnt out over the course of the last 7 months.

I asked why too. I was almost irritated that it was even said.

Did you get asked that question? If not. Let me ask at it. What would you do? At this point this is only information gathering. Call it a social experiment of sorts.

It's really a self check of how far you have come and where you are at. It was a brilliant statement made by someone who was as done as you and I; and frustrated him when he actually had to make the toughest choice ever.

What did he do?

just as pointless as wondering what you'd do if she came back...
is thinking you have to decide that nowYou need to move forward. No question.
Cross other bridges, if they arise, when they arise.

25 I could not agree with you more. You know I had this conversation with a dear friend. I tend to over think, over analyze almost to the point of obsession. I think of every possible outcome every possible avenue before I make decisions before I come to some sort of peace in my own mind. I sure wish I could turn it off like a switch, but I have been working hard on this and I am happy to report it is getting better.

This is important for you, right now. Grienving? Yes. Anger? Work on it as part of the process. Work through it in a positive way and eventually, you will stop being angry. It will be gone or replaced by something much less sinister.

KM Anger is as valid as any other emotion we have, and I believe in some ways it helps to repair. It has it’s uses and it is not all bad. The key is not to get stuck there and that is what I am working on slowly.

but you know, who cares WHY they do, IF they also do the work with you?

Well 25 I think I would care. Your initial reaction would be very similar to mine. The reason to me is just as important as the decision. It is the reason behind it that would influence my decision. I want somebody to want me as badly as I want them, not because I am comfortable and secure. If that is the reason behind it then I am merely a security blanket. That is not good enough for me. Make sense?

2step - she thought she'd tried everything, therefore she told herself she had to leave. She didn't try everything, because she didn't know what other options were out there. You cannot blame her for lack of knowledge. We are all ignorant at some point.

You know Michelle I get this to a certain point. I didn’t know either, but I went out and found it. I understood her leaving to a certain point, even blamed myself for helping out in the process. At one point though I stopped understanding, you know when? When OM came in the picture. When she called Jody a week prior to her moving to Tulsa. When she was affectionate with me in April knowing she was moving pieces to move. When she asked me to send her the book while she was already in process of moving in with OM. When the tools were there and she refused to use them. When she strung me along while she was clearly having an EA with OM. When she purposely gave me hope and refused to give me a direct answer. When I looked at her in the eyes on April 11th and asked her point blank “what is the nature of your R with OM” and she responded “we are just friends”. When she cut off all contact from my D. Not for my sake, but for hers. When she hid the fact that she had moved to Tulsa. That is when I stopped understanding.

My D called her on Friday. She never answered and never called back. I did not know this till Sunday when my D mentioned it to me. “Does X not like me anymore?” You know what that does to me? Today she started therapy. I bought her a journal at the suggestion of a friend a few weeks ago. She writes in it almost as much as I write in mine. Matter of fact we sit in the living room at night and she writes in hers and I write in mine.

You have to move one. You have to focus on you. You have to learn and grow. You have to be okay by yourself. Regardless of what happens in the M, D, R, or a new relationship.

You know it might not seem like it but I promise I am moving on with my life and my D is the ONLY focus I have. Going through this is bad enough, going through this as a single parent is murder but in the process I am learning and in a way I am becoming closer to my D, if that is even possible because we have always been VERY close.

Keep it business. Be courteous but not overly helpful. Keep it NC. Back off on all the books and questions about Jody. If she wants to finish the sessions, she will. If she wants to read the books, she will. If not, that's also her decision. Give her more than just physical space, give her emotional space.

Oh She has space, I assure you. There is no contact from me. No books. No DB Sessions. No questions. And if I could get rid of thoughts, well those would be gone also. Still if she calls, if I am available, I will answer. I will be courteous and respectful, not for her, but for me. I don’t want any more garbage on my conscience I need to keep it clean. I come here because it is one of the few places I can let my feelings out but I am not dwelling on her on what she is doing or not doing. I don’t bother thinking about what she is processing or not processing. I just don’t care. NC is a gift for me. Removing her from my FB as silly as it sounds was a gift. Deleting her from my phone was a gift I gave myself.

Today was a terrible day. I went to bed around 2:30 tossing and turning. She was not necessarily on my mind, just my life in general and where I was and where I was going. Finally I went to sleep. I should have stayed up. Woke up at 5:40 to a dream of her, I don’t have them often but this one woke me right up. My day went south from there. I spoke my mind in my dream and I woke feeling like crap. I did not start to refocus till sometime this afternoon.

This tells me that I am not completely healed although I am miles ahead of where I was just a few weeks ago.

25,

I know you reconciled and you addressed it here, but you know I can’t help but wonder that A LOT of work had to be done to repair the damage caused. See us LBS put aside so much of our own hurt and anger while we try and work on the M but at some point those emotions will resurface. When were you able to address those feelings? Of course for me it is just information.

By the way for anyone who is interested found an old post the other day from CristaRN. She was a WAW who wanted back. Interesting read.

[~¤DG¤~]

. I tend to over think, over analyze almost to the point of obsession. I think of every possible outcome every possible avenue before I make decisions before I come to some sort of peace in my own mind.

2step, were we separated at birth????

[FaithnAK]

LOL AK no worries I know you are not. Don’t worry about mind f**king me any receptors left for processing feelings were burnt out over the course of the last 7 months.

Haha. Good. I hear you on that.

1) Did you get asked that question? 2) If not. Let me ask at it. What would you do? At this point this is only information gathering. Call it a social experiment of sorts.

1) Yes, I did.

2) Long answer short. IF I was to see what I needed to see AND know/sense genuineness; AND I wasn't involved with some one else seriously. Why not. Anything that makes me have NO REGRET for the rest of MY life, is all I need. My choice. I came here for a reason, the reason I came here actually changed.

What did he do?

He chose piecing (piercing). He is now happy and officially has a better M than it ever was. Not without hard work, but he made the right decision.

The moral of the story...Be the best you. Own your half. It takes 2 to ruin a marriage; one to change it. Ultimately, no regret is the only goal. When we all came here, we wanted to be understood and forgiven. One creates a misdemeanor and one commits a felony. The ability to forgive and show strength is the ability to move on and deal with any option that comes forward in life head on. Again, "You owe it to yourself" IF the opportunity would show itself under the right circumstances.

Not painting a picture of what is going to happen, more as a WHAT if it happens. If you are semi-anger free and have learned anything since coming here. You'll KNOW the right answer for you. If IT never happens, you should be able to move on for the rest of your life and apply everything you have learned.