Forgive or else...what?

[25yearsmlc]

Oh my goodness, yes, I know how to detach. ....

I was thinking *maybe* he'd learned something after almost 6 months of no contact. The ultimate in going dark, eh?lol. Never did that one before but it's supposedly powerful.


See, to me, this ^^^ is contradictory. There's some confusion there. Right after you say you are detached, you then wonder about what is going on with HIM...but my question is, who cares? Honestly, the man has been repeatedly violent and made no moves to reconciliation. Who cares if he's "working" on things? Who wouldn't at this point? He's either on parole or probation. Of course he's getting c.


And he's had counseling. So *maybe* there has been some change--not that I am going to "make it happen". Maybe it just did happen. I gave that over to God a long time ago.

Again, some contradictions. All about him & potential change, but then you say you gave it over to God...

I should probably have a 5 minute conversation and find out--I'll know in about 5 minutes "where he's at".
Not that I care--haven't called him, have been busy, it's all about me at the moment, thanks very much.

See ^^^ for more conflicting commentary. Why do you care about this? You may want to look at this L...



And then YOUR question of "what do I want" threw me.... I had already accepted that this was over--the forgiveness is coming along great,
All things my H wouldn't let me do--
Like I said--when I got the ILYNIL speach AGAIN ????? OMG--I was a LOT less than "warm at home" and went out and had FUN!

SO, what changed your thinking that it was over? What has happened that leads you to ponder HIS changes...?? I'm missing something. I thought he filed for divorce, he hit you, twice, he "fell out of love" and isn't there an OW too?


I just happen to like truth darts--one of the many things I learned here that have been helpful to me over the years. I used them before (on him) and they helped.

But yes, I know and LOVE detachment.lol.

"Truth darts" is a phrase I've never heard. How did they help you before?

What's the goal of saying them? Just curious.

here's what you said that really got me thinking....
You said"

See, I think that too--I can *never* be as devastated as that first time. So...what the heck? What do I have to lose?? I don't think it will make TONS of difference one way or the other but...
I know this guy--I know him inside and out. What is the harm of throwing him a truth dart now and then?
Being kind, or encouraging him if I am able to.
Am I fooling myself? Or am I that strong now??


This is NOT what I meant when I said I felt empowered knowing I'd never be hurt that way again. I meant
1) h would not do his MLC thing again b/c If I thought there was a real chance of it, I'd have been done, and or 2) IF he did, I'd be done and out before he could say "Stop". And I would not look back.

So I'm not clear on what your goals are here. The truth darts are for what? His benefit? Does he say annoying angry things to you now?
Lifes' too short to put up with that. End those talks with a fast hang up.

Do you think a "zinger" is going to make him really think?

If it's a word of encouragement, call it that, b/c a "truth DART" just sounds painful and targetted at someone, & that just doesn't ring as coming from a place of love or light. KWIM?

Also, Do you care what he thinks of you now?

Your h hit you. And he did it again. And your kids know this. And he went to jail for it. And he filed div papers after he went through his whole "not in love with you" again...


In the rarest of circumstances, I have heard of a man who "lost it" and hit his wife, ONCE... and had his wife take him back, never to do it again.

I have never heard of a man doing it a second time and not doing it again...

2 times, it's a life pattern even if it takes a year or two before it happens again. Two strikes, you're out. He's out.

Sorry Laura, I meant for you to forgive so none of your energy would be spent wondering about his counselling, or if he's changed from his counselling, or if he asks how school is for you etc....

he was your h a long time and I know it's hard to pretend he's gone for good as if he's dead. I'm not saying you have to do that.

But he crossed such a serious boundary (more than once and it's not the only unacceptable behavior of his) and with your sons watching and seeing his example, and do you have daughters??

I may be misinterpreting what you said.

It almost SOUNDS to me as if you are open to some sort of reconciliation with him

and I don't get that.