my heart is breaking

[kermitdfrog]

hoswald, I know what you mean about being ourselves. It is so hard when I have been my H's wife for 28 years. I have loved being a wife and mother, and although I know there are other great qualities about me, I really feel like H and I are connected in a way that I cannot imagine separating. It's hard to imagine me without him. Like the Bible says, we are one. And I really feel that way. That's why I feel literally sick if I picture him loving someone else. And, your wife seems like she has her own issues. You sound like a great guy, and someday maybe she will realize that.

25,
I continue to appreciate your advice and wisdom. You seriously should consider switching careers! (just kidding) But you really do have amazing insight. I take in every word. I just mess up a lot. But I keep trying!


The kids and I went to see my MIL at the hospital last night. She is doing ok for her age, but will almost definitely be going into a nursing home after her release. I swear, all my husband talks about is all the meetings he has had to cancel and he seems eager to get rid of her. Just how he does everything. If there is stress or pain, you just "get rid" of the source. Like he is doing with me.

In all fairness, his mother has always been a very difficult and cranky woman. My husband has never been close to her and she has hurt him (and me) over the years. But she is his mom and I think he needs to be more sensitive.

Actually, our marriage counselor had been starting to explore my husband's childhood as a source of his present day behavior. His family made it difficult to communicate in painful times, so my husband put up walls and shuts off feelings when he is in pain. Like he is doing now. But I digress...

Anyway, D24 just called and said she called her dad and told him she and S21 want to go to dinner with him to talk. (she described it to me as an intervention of sorts. To try to change his mind about the divorce. But she didn't say it that way to him) She said she wanted it to be a day where he had no stress and would be willing to be open minded about what they had to say. He assured her that he will. She also asked him to take me out to dinner or lunch this week just to enjoy each other and he said he would if his mom is ok. I don't know what made her do that, as he has taken me out before, but we'll see. Then he called me to give me an update on his mom and told me about the phone call with D. He asked about the kids and I told him S21 seems to be struggling. I didn't give him details (S seems extremely angry right now. It worries me and both kids have an appt with the counselor next week) but he said "I wish he would talk to me about it" and I said "Well, you make it hard. You don't listen. You are stuck in your ways and don't consider what others have to say." I caught myself, and then changed topics and tried to be upbeat. It just seems that when the topic is emotional, I tend to have a foot-in-mouth moment. But it didn't seem to be a big deal. The rest of the call was upbeat complete with a few laughs, and an offer from me to help with his mom in any way I can.

I am just really uneasy about this dinner with the kids. I really am not sure it's wise. And it terrifies me. I have kind of had a break from everything, since I am in the middle of the 30 days till I have to "answer" his petition for divorce. That won't be done till the first week of July. Then things will begin (I am contesting)

So I have been allowed to not think much about his feelings, and it allows me to hope that maybe he is softening. But the kids will get an answer out of him, and I am quite sure it will be one I don't like. He has never allowed others to make decisions for him. Stubborn man. And I worry it will actually push him further away.

Should I stop it? My daughter is leaving the beginning of July for 10 weeks for a Physical therapy clinical (2000 miles away) so if it is going to be done, it would need to be now. And neither kid has seen him in at least a few months. So I know he would like to see them. But it really terrifies me. I have a DB appt two days from now. I will ask what she thinks, as well.

In the meantime, I am trying to stay upbeat in our talks, although honestly, I have been wondering if it would be best to go dark. We have had a lot of contact lately (his mom, etc) and for example, I didn't get an ILY on the phone. He just seems to appreciate me more when we haven't had contact. But who knows.

Thoughts?