7 Years in. Time to give up ?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

David,

We all have different opinions. We have only what you give us, to apply our advice to your situation.

What is your goal with your x-wife?

That is what I asked.

Secondary to that, how are you going about achieving that goal?

A state of no change, in a less than satisfactory situation is not a good goal.

I get the feeling that the others, and truth be told, myself fear there is a state of co-dependancy going on here. That you are so afraid to lose her that you'll take any part of her she is willing to give you. Some are going to fear that your empowering her to keep running.

We could be wrong, we could be right. We could be somewhere in the middle.

No one posting to you is going against the DB philosophy.
Which also includes: Some marriages cannot be saved.

So daivid, what is your goal, and what are you doing to achieve it?

[25yearsmlc]

What Jack said ^^^

and what about your son? His question to you really was gut wrenching to me.

It must have been preceeded by 7 years of...dashed hopes, patterns of behavior and a lot of pain for him. He's there, so he sees you and her. We don't.

food for thought.

[DavidA]

What would I like to achieve ? A much better relationship than I had. TRUST...

Am I codependent ? Possibly to a point. I really have no fear of loosing her because at this point I don't have her. But I don't need her or any other woman to survive and be happy. I was doing very well for the last seven years without her. I do want female companionship in my life but I don't want the drama. This doesn't mean I am not willing to work to make a relationship work.

What am I doing to achieve it ? Living my life as a good honest and decent man. Providing and caring for my family as well as her. I have suggested counseling for us alone and as a couple and have yet to get her to agree. She openly confesses she has many issues that need to be addressed yet has not moved forward to solve them. I can't fix her, she has to do that herself.

My life would be much more peaceful and serene if I were to give up the whole mess, ( X, kids, grand-kids, house ) and move on and only concern myself with my life and well being. However my upbringing which is a very strong background of ( Family, honesty, integrity, trust, loyalty ) you see where I am going with this, prevents me from doing this. I don't give up on anything easily, especially family. I am an old WASP ;-)

I have no privacy at the moment so I must end here. David

[irishblessings]

David,
I have hesitated posting here - I am so very sorry for the position in which you find yourself. I understand very much about faith, honesty, family - etc. My concern for you here is that I see you wearing blinders when it comes to XW. Not that you don't acknowledge her flaws and weaknesses - not that you aren't attempting to be a support system for her. More over the fact that after EVERYTHING she still has a place in your day to day. You share a child - an adult child - who has all but said she should not be in your life. You have by all accounts been a wonderful, strong father to this young man. But by continuing to turn inward towards her and engrossing yourself in this situation you deny yourself another day of finding a life to with someone who shares your same values and beliefs and commitments. And I know they are out there.

I think we can both agree and believe that any marriage who suffers these kinds of strains and who both partners commit to sticking it out and working through all the pains will come out on the other end a better product. I think we both believe in most cases keeping the family in tact is, in the end, - a better choice. BUT - we don't have that choice any longer because it was taken away by the other person. She is not looking to come back to you - your "paranoia" is appropriate. I would not get in counseling with her - I would set up strong boundaries that allow you to move forward without the interference of a very sick individual.

I pray for your happiness and your health - the further away you move from the illness the healthier you will be.

[Grace_O]

David,

However my upbringing which is a very strong background of ( Family, honesty, integrity, trust, loyalty ) you see where I am going with this, prevents me from doing this. I don't give up on anything easily, especially family.

She isn't family anymore, she's another man's wife.

That you are considering going to a C to work on your R, I get. I don't get it, nor do I think it's a good idea if she is not completely done with everyone else and in a place where she can take care of herself. Anything else is using you.

She is not behaving like a woman. She is acting like a girl. Is this what you want? Do you need to be a White Knight? I guarantee that's not what she needs, although it may be what she wants.

I know that if one of my D's said what your son said to me, I would take a long hard look at what I was teaching them. I understand that your son is grown. That doesn't mean your influence over his life and esp the last 7 years is minimized.

Watching both of my D's with boyfriends has given me a different look at myself. It's led to some convo's that have been priceless for all of us.

I'm so sorry you are going through all this and for all this time.


HUGS

[Grace_O]

I meant to ask where the integrity and honesty is in what you're doing?

This isn't a slam. Just trying to get you to be really clear in your own mind about what you're doing, why and is this the man you really want to be.

[Tipper]

Remember David:
If what your doing isnt working, try something else. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting new results.
If you were to move out or ask her to move out, it would be trying something different, Right???
Just a thought that may help in your decision. It may shake her/wake her a bit, and it may not. Dont worry about loosing her as you have already said she is gone in mind/spirit. So get your Motor running!!!
TIPPER

[ericmsant2]

A much better relationship than I had.

With JUST HER or with everyone in YOUR life? The answer should tell you something.

TRUST

Learn to trust YOURSELF first. Learn to trust your instincts.

Am I codependent ? Possibly to a point.

And what are you doing to address it?

I really have no fear of loosing her because at this point I don't have her.

Good cause she is married to someone else right now. Question is….do you have fear of facing life without her?

I was doing very well for the last seven years without her.

Yet you bring her back into it…which has caused some level of distress to YOU. Why David? Why?

I do want female companionship in my life but I don't want the drama

Really? How do your recent actions support this? From what I see, you achieve the female companionship portion but you added the drama piece as well.

This doesn't mean I am not willing to work to make a relationship work.

IF that is how you feel….fine. Ask yourself….how does her husband fell right now? What justifications did HE give himself in the past? Hmmm….to me it sound like you are justifying your actions. All because you do not want to face things in your life, which is YOUR choice.

My life would be much more peaceful and serene if I were to give up the whole mess, ( X, kids, grand-kids, house ) and move on and only concern myself with my life and well being.

So If I am to understand this comment up there^^^^^^^ - You know what to do to have PEACE in YOUR LIFE….and that is to give up the whole mess. So what does give up mean to you? You know you can be a caring person yet not allow people to drag you into sitchs that you do not want to be in.

Providing and caring for my family as well as her.

Providing IMO, also includes TOUGH love buddy. If my son became a crack head….would I give him a pipe and say…as long as you do it under my roof, your safe? Nope. How does that help him?

I have suggested counseling for us alone and as a couple and have yet to get her to agree.

A couple? WTF…Maybe you can suggest counseling for HER only.

I don't give up on anything easily, especially family

I wouldn’t either….especially once I learned the difference between FEAR, CONTROL, MANIPULATION and TRUE LOVE, which IMO, allows other the ROOM and FREEDOM to live their lives.

[25yearsmlc]

sometimes people hang on b/c they "don't give up easily...." which means

they're stubborn


or they have a desire to be vindicated, declared the "winner" or "right"....


or they literally don't know how to let go of something...

or they are Not Well. (Lots of labels for it, but it is what it is).


Your son's words should carry a lot more weight, imo.


His words rang true. Move on...it doesn't mean you can't rebuild someday...

but what you've done is make your ex w know you are


[b]always going to be available as Plan B and for 7 years now, that's been insufficient to her to return...
[/b]

and your son is witnessing all this...and has said something to you that must have taken a real toll on him....


I ache for his pain and how you are glossing over it....and you're not hearing him!

What is it about his words that you can't handle? Me thinks it's the truth...

sorry

[DavidA]

Ok, fast forward. She left her husband / Nov 2010. I let her come home temorarily with the understanding that if she were to stay that we would be making some progress towards a new relationship which included individual counseling for her.

July 2011 started dissapearing overnight again with lame excuses about her girlfriend. August 2011 got caught in bed with her hairdressers boyfirend. September 2011 told her if she didn't want to have a relationship with me to find someplace else to live. Moved out a few weeks later.

Still doesn't have the guts to tell me she is living with new boyfriend. Lies to me and says she is living with girlfriend. Like I care anymore... And she still hasn't divorced her second husband yet..

Now I have the major change for me which is to completly end it all by selling the house and getting her out of my life for good. This is more financial and sentimental to me as I built most of it. No I can't afford to buy her out.

Still haven't found a reasonably sane lady to have as a friend or otherwise. I guess I'm not looking in the right places. Dating sites SUCK ;-) Happy New Year ! DavidA