I think it's a MLC

[25yearsmlc]

It might well be described as selfish, but I cannot believe that most have not considered that at one stage, perhaps I am being more honest !!

You are in pain and shock. But to try and rationally predict what you can tolerate and possibly forgive, is damn hard at this point. You'll have to give yourself time on this. And TIME is something you sort of have a lot of

and yet, you have to change YOU and that has to happen NOW, "from this day forward"....someday when you are ready, we'll all talk about how to get past this.

For now, getting through it, is the goal.


Just perhaps we all have to find our own 'level' in being able to deal with it.

But you're correct this is the 'worse'element of the marriage vows and I need to get past these early issues (only 9 weeks in).

Div Busting can and does work. Not always, not most of the time. But more than anything else I tried.

And I tried several marriage counselors before this site. Finally found a mc who was in alignment with this solution based approach. The prior counselors were trying to change H's mind about the choices he was making. Some said openly that he was "acting like a man without a family" and another said "Sounds as if you want to be single"...which left me with squat...I mean what was I supposed to do with that info?

As an important aside, the best news you can get from a MC is that YOU have some work to do on YOU...b/c if it's all about her being wrong,

then you are powerless. But if there are things you can or should do differently, that is empowering.

Only a solution based approach was able to do that for me. I was thrilled to see that I had made mistakes b/c I knew I could DO SOMETHING about that! Please realize this...you want to be "wrong" about something so you can work on it.

If you are a truly perfect mate and your w still leaves...that's BAD news...that's called hopeless. Fortunately, it's pretty rare to have happen....like never....

That MC, and the DB coach I had, were the two Godsends that saved our m.

I give myself some credit for growth. I forgave things I never thought I would and have no problem with it now. (does not mean I could do it again however...just saying, I got through it, eventually, with my head held high).

I see things more clearly and how wrong my own approach had been for years....

I recall thinking "for a smartypants educated woman, I sure can be stupid"...or stubborn, or needing to be 'right"

btw, you will soon need to choose between needing to be "right" and being happy.


I chose happy.

Go with this program and share what you need to share. There are
screen names and no posting of personal contact, for a reason. It's safer.

You are in the right place for a painful reason.


FWIW, you have a lot of good signs in your situation and I'm not sure you see that.


She has NOT mentioned divorce or leaving, correct? Also if she has a medical condition that

"prevents sex", then how's she going to have a PA? ( I wasn't clear on this issue but you mentioned it...do you have a good intimate R?)

Don't assume her medical condition is not a serious emotional issue for her. Having her D leave for college and having a med condition are two milestones that

remind us of time passing and our lives coming into their decline.


NO wonder she's throwing herself into her volunteer work. She needs meaning to attach to her life as half of her "purpose" just left the home.


Read Laura Munson' article about her husband's MLC and her approach to it. It's called

"Those Aren't Fighting Words".

good luck, keep keeping on