Hey I am not raining on your parade...or not that much...
but just wish you guys could work on getting along, having a good SL and
not fighting (or fighting but resolving the conflicts--
it's not conflict itself that breaks up couples, it's how they get ignored/resolved/worsened...) for some amount of time...
AND THEN TOSS THE WRENCH IN....
and like YAH, I wish SO MUCH that you'd get some good C....
as for PM, I know what you mean about 'tame' materials.
Some of the "marriage/communication seminars we attended were so elementary that we realized, "OMG, are there couples who DON'T talk about that???"
Same with the required on post childbirth classes that explain BASIC anatomy to women...I got thru them with a straight face, for the most part...
Then again, we got a TON out of a workshop we attended 20 years ago, and it wasn't even FOR marriages, specifically. Then in 08 when we were piecing, we got
much more than I expected from Retrovaille. I mean I hoped for the best but it exceeded my expectations
but WE did the work, ya know?
And as YAH says, and I agree, a good MC would do wonders for you two.
(YAH, we're doing fine, thanks! Where's your thread? Sorry for hijacking GB)
Good luck GB, we're rooting for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You and your W sure do revolve alot of things around sex. What else do you two do? Alot of your R is going to have to be how the two of you feel around each other WITHOUT the sex. Affection, adoration, respect and real intimacy goes beyond doing the deed. Your W really sounds immature in that area.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
that's why we hope GB, the active duty soldier, never gets hurt, or ill, or has to be away for long...or gets discharged and loses employment, or faces any type of hardship that effects his wife...
Sorry GB,
but that part of this sitch (everything other than sex)
is just SO not cool and so disconcerting to me...(and you know why I feel that way.)
Still hope I'm wrong. I really do.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
...as for PM, I know what you mean about 'tame' materials.
Some of the "marriage/communication seminars we attended were so elementary that we realized, "OMG, are there couples who DON'T talk about that???"
.....(YAH, we're doing fine, thanks! Where's your thread? Sorry for hijacking GB)
Good luck GB, we're rooting for you.
Well 25 & GB I was one of those OMG couples who didn't talk about "that" ... and it wasn't because I didn't try to talk with her about it. In fact there is a lot of normal healthy "that" that my wife and I have never done. My wife, the mother of my two adult children, the woman I love madly and would give my life to protect has a lot of inhibitions and body self-image issues.
I love her, but came close to divorcing her. We both changed, a lot. We now know how to let each other know that we love each other. We now have forgiven each other and have worked on rebuilding our marriage. It is no longer a SSM, but a real marriage.
25 is right, we are rooting for you GB (and for your wife). Marriage counseling with a sex therapist so helped my marriage as did going to a John Gottman weekend retreat. A lot of great books (including MWD's SSM) plus help on this forum helped me as well.
GB, I admire your willingness to dig in and try to figure out what is going on. You also seem to have a good understanding of your wife and what is going on. Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
YAH You bring up a good point while schanarchs descriptions seem mild, for a while our openness was not. We did these things but had a hard time discussing them. So that is definitely a step forward.
Log entry: yesterday was nice, we did a lot of packing and sorting. What made it extra nice was the fact we did it together, and reminisced about good memories while doing it. For the longest time I was afraid that packing would be us separating our things. To pack together towards a common goal and then remember the happy times was nice.
The only issue we ran across was that she asked to borrow my phone, and I wouldn't let her see it. The reason was because I have been hunting down a rare stuffed animal for her, and if she opened the browser she would have seen right away and ruined the surprise. So I told her I couldn't because I was planning a surprise. She was weirded out by that, I felt real guilty considering all I had said about honesty, so a few minutes later I gave her my phone, and showed her the "incriminating evidence". I apologized for being so secretive, and she seemed happy about the surprise. (it should arrive to the house before the move date). I just hope this little event didn't do too much damage.
Feel like I have to work extra hard today, even though she does not seem mad at all. It was nice to go over our old memories and remember the good times.
she's got nothing to be angry about. End of story.
Good luck packing, do it carefully!!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She wasnt angry either, it was just me being paranoid. I want to create an atmosphere of trust and honesty, I felt me hiding that surprise would make it seem like it was something worse.
Maybe you need to add a plate to your dog tags that has engraved on it, "WWANGD?, Glover" (What would a Nice Guy Do) just so if you think you are acting as a Nice Guy or as a centered and integrated man. As someone who has worked hard to no longer be a NG, but to still be a loving, supportive husband, who gets his (and his family's) needs met, I can't tell you often I have to do some introspection on my motivation on things with my wife, just to make sure I am doing things for the right reasons.
Seriously don't be too hard on yourself. You will do things you are unsure of and your wife will backslide. Focus on the future and making it better.
One of the things that Mr Bond said that resonated with me was the need to focus on some things that did not involve sex. You haven't really talked about your bicycle investments much recently, nor how you were planning to use them once you arrive at your new posting.
We also talked about having some goals for things to do once you arrive so that you won't find yourelf in a new place and bored out of your head, but I don't remember ever hearing of any goals/plans that you and your wife had. Now might be a good time to work with her on a few fund things you are "both" looking forward to.
I know that there are lots of couples weekend courses that help couples identify and focus on what are some of their shared visions/deams and the direction that they want their lives to go (grow).
I look forward to hearing more about your introduction of PM to your wife. I am wondering if I need to break out my PM book and see about trying to get my wife interested in parts of it.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
YAH I seem to have the habit of only posting bad stuff. We've gone on a couple of bike rides lately, we are also planning to take a vacation as soon as we arrive. We have tickets to see our favorite band as soon as we get there so we are both thrilled. I have also already found a group to play cards with so I'm looking forward to kicking butt in a new continent.
My W is already trying to connect with different groups in the area, and make friends. The next month should be a lot of fun. Back in the states we have been trying to make the best with what we have, and have caught up on a lot of our favorite shows.
I guess I can't complain things have been good lately, hopefully this is just the beginning.
I also forgot tO mention the emphasis on sex comes from it being our hardest issue. Also according to schnarch the bedroom is a good barometer for other issues in the M.
