Piecing my marriage back together again.

[HerbGarden]

Yesterday, I got mad at my W again. She made a comment about how long the grass was at the rental property, after I had just mowed it. I said, that I didn't get a chance to finish the job properly because the grass was really long to begin with and that I had to clean-up the cuttings, etc in the front yard, before I could head to the back yard. Either way, it triggered something in my W that gave me the impression that she was accusing me of being somewhere else, with someone else, rather than doing yard work.

Accusations/comments like these are a real trigger for me, one that I can't seem to control.

My relationship would be much better off if I could learn to reassure, vice accuse. I know my wife doesn't trust me, and I know the reason why; I'm abusive and unsupportive and I've cheated in the past.

My W is now posting on DB (Talkartoon). In all honesty, she's the one who steered (pushed) me towards DB and she's been reading my posts all along to see if I'm putting any effort into this process.

I know there isn’t a magic book with all the answers. Most of you have been really clear with me that I must change immediately or else my W will leave. I am a slow learner.

[Talkartoon]

Delingquentgurl, you're right this is wearing me down (I am Herbgarden's W), but no, I haven't lost my self-esteem or self-worth. I think that that's why the anger may be increasing in severity.

It makes me stronger and more determined, if anything, and that leads to H saying that I'm defiant. When I break down and cry, he stops. I'm not breaking down because I feel less about me, but because I'm so hurt that I live with someone who would TRY to make me crumble. I think that maybe HIS self-esteem is low, and my strength threatens him?

One of the concepts that I learned from reading this forum was that a W cannot be attracted to an H that she doesn't respect. I realized then that I don't respect H. How can I respect someone who verbally attacks me? But I also know that I love him. I think for him, it may be the reverse: he respects me but doesn't love me? It makes the verbal abuse make sense in some way for me: if he can get me to feel more vulnerable like him, maybe he thinks he can love me instead of resent me?

I don't think that H is a bully, unless a bully is someone who attacks other people because of their own insecurity. Well that is probably exactly what they are. Because I think that that's exactly what he is doing. I hope that therapy will help.

But what if that's not what it is? What if it is because for 20 years, he has been doing what he thought was the right thing? But not what he wanted to do? I truly have no memory of how we reconciled. Even though he did nothing to stop me from giving up our daughter, he loved our son. Not taking me back would have meant losing his bond with him (our son and I would have been living across the country).

I wonder if the anger is actually the "real" H, how he really feels: he manages to pretend for a while, but just can't keep a lid on it the rest of the time?

H really is a nice guy. He works hard, is well-respected at work, liked by friends, and responsible, kind, all of that good stuff. But if he has been living a lie for 20 years, and really didn't want me back all those years ago, the anger makes sense to me. We lived in a small military community. The gossip was unbelievable and i know that his promotion at that time was delayed because of what happened. I can see how H would have felt that he had to do the right thing for a lot of reasons. And then to add to the confusion, say he has grown to respect me.

Back then, even before I met him, I was mess to put it mildly. But I was cute, so it was easy to overlook by H. But after giving up our daughter, being a mess, needy - for a while, and a constant reminder of the only bad thing H had done in his LIFE, and his guilt, I can see how his resentment could grow.

But then I steadily got a grip on myself. I pushed myself past my comfort zone many times, took chances, learned to follow my gut, eventually felt like I had a solid relationship with myself, and I've accomplished a lot. He respects that, I know he does. But if his self-esteem is still being determined by the one bad thing he did in his life, if he still hates himself for what he did, and resents me for having to take me back, I can see how he could be conflicted.

I am in no way making excuses for him, or condoning his behaviour. I am trying to understand it. I have seen people on this board glean amazing insight into people. I'm hoping someone will make some sense out of this.

I will NOT tolerate his behaviour any longer and H knows this. But I am willing to do anything to get to the bottom of the "why" if it will help us, me, or H. Hence my posting on this forum.

Please tell me if this is just too strange for me to be posting here. That goes for you too H. I don't mind going to another forum so that you can have this place to yourself.

I'm not sure why my posts are appearing instantly. H's seem to appear days later...

[sandi2]

It is not strange at all. We welcome you with open arms. Not long ago, we had a man & wife on the board.
I read your post in Newcomers.

Hope you will post as often as you can. It will build your support group faster. Same goes for your H.

[Talkartoon]

Thanks Sandi, I really wasn't sure whether I should post at all!

H seems to take days to write one post and then they seem to take another couple of days to appear. I registered a long time ago. I guess that's why mine aren't being moderated...

H read my post this morning before he went to work. He feels that this may be a turning point for him. He said that everything is so perfectly set up for him to leave if in his words "he wanted to just go and hide". And that is an option if that's what he wants to do. He understands that there will be no more waffling. He has to get it now, or get out. He also said that he would do anything to go back in time and undo what he did. He doesn't know where he has been these past 3 years. He apologized for everything.

Only time will tell what happens now. I have heard how sorry he is for outbursts, only to have them happen again in a couple of days...

Hopefully we can have meaningful conversations here, because he can't very well yell at me

Something has shifted though, and that's a good thing whether it's for better or worse.

[HerbGarden]

Thank you sandi2

In many ways, my story is similar to the one you wrote. I have control issues, and I often want to be “right”, although my W ideas are most often far better than mine. I understand that the choice is mine and that the “train has left the station”.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Well, I'll admit that it IS a bit weird posting on a thread where both spouses are reading.

And I'll admit that I am checking out herb simply because of Talk's awesome post to Denver.

Since this is Herb's thread I'm going to focus on Herb.

You say you have anger issues.

Talking about it is great.

And Easy.

What are you doing about it? IC good...but that isn't the only thing.

Since your wife is here:

I have heard how sorry he is for outbursts, only to have them happen again in a couple of days...

Change is only a trick until you actually make the change.
My son can be sorry for all the times he DOESN'T do the dishes but they're just words. I'm tired of words. And I'm sorry loses it's true meaning if you keep saying it for the same thing.

I'm sorry means: Forgive me, I'll do better.

[Denver_2010]

Talk and Herb - This is definitely an interesting thread considering you are both here on DB. I am going to have to come back and get caught up when I have some time.

Talk - Thanks for the post on my thread. I need all of the help that I can get in understanding my W's point of view on things.

BITS
Denver

[HerbGarden]

I agree, talk is cheap. I've been verbally abusive to my wife for so long that I'm sure that she's lost all faith in my ability to converse and act in a mature manner.

Thanks for taking the time to post.

[HerbGarden]

Thanks for the post Denver. I read Talk's post; she knows. My wife;s the most intuitive, understanding person I know.

If someone new was reading this post, they would probobly think that I have a great relationship with my W becuase I'm writing about how great she is.

The truth is, I've taken my W for granted and now I'm close ot losing her.

At this time, I'm not comfortable offering advice.

Once again, thnaks for your post and I hope your situation improves.

[Talkartoon]

Believe me, this is wierd to for me too. I'm hoping that it will feel more natural after a while.

It does feel great to talk about it though. I don't talk about any of this in rl to other people.

I also think that this might be the only thing so far that will help H to moderate himself. And if that means we can have honest and calm discussions, on here or in rl, that's good in my book.

I've been reading this forum for a long time, I've read some to him, and he's been reading for quite a while before he started posting. This is like his therapist having a recorder attached to him when he's not in his office.

And by saying that, I don't mean that I want H to say what I WANT him to say. I want him to tell me what he thinks/feels, good or bad. Then we can go from there.