Delingquentgurl, you're right this is wearing me down (I am Herbgarden's W), but no, I haven't lost my self-esteem or self-worth. I think that that's why the anger may be increasing in severity.
It makes me stronger and more determined, if anything, and that leads to H saying that I'm defiant. When I break down and cry, he stops. I'm not breaking down because I feel less about me, but because I'm so hurt that I live with someone who would TRY to make me crumble. I think that maybe HIS self-esteem is low, and my strength threatens him?
One of the concepts that I learned from reading this forum was that a W cannot be attracted to an H that she doesn't respect. I realized then that I don't respect H. How can I respect someone who verbally attacks me? But I also know that I love him. I think for him, it may be the reverse: he respects me but doesn't love me? It makes the verbal abuse make sense in some way for me: if he can get me to feel more vulnerable like him, maybe he thinks he can love me instead of resent me?
I don't think that H is a bully, unless a bully is someone who attacks other people because of their own insecurity. Well that is probably exactly what they are. Because I think that that's exactly what he is doing. I hope that therapy will help.
But what if that's not what it is? What if it is because for 20 years, he has been doing what he thought was the right thing? But not what he wanted to do? I truly have no memory of how we reconciled. Even though he did nothing to stop me from giving up our daughter, he loved our son. Not taking me back would have meant losing his bond with him (our son and I would have been living across the country).
I wonder if the anger is actually the "real" H, how he really feels: he manages to pretend for a while, but just can't keep a lid on it the rest of the time?
H really is a nice guy. He works hard, is well-respected at work, liked by friends, and responsible, kind, all of that good stuff. But if he has been living a lie for 20 years, and really didn't want me back all those years ago, the anger makes sense to me. We lived in a small military community. The gossip was unbelievable and i know that his promotion at that time was delayed because of what happened. I can see how H would have felt that he had to do the right thing for a lot of reasons. And then to add to the confusion, say he has grown to respect me.
Back then, even before I met him, I was mess to put it mildly. But I was cute, so it was easy to overlook by H. But after giving up our daughter, being a mess, needy - for a while, and a constant reminder of the only bad thing H had done in his LIFE, and his guilt, I can see how his resentment could grow.
But then I steadily got a grip on myself. I pushed myself past my comfort zone many times, took chances, learned to follow my gut, eventually felt like I had a solid relationship with myself, and I've accomplished a lot. He respects that, I know he does. But if his self-esteem is still being determined by the one bad thing he did in his life, if he still hates himself for what he did, and resents me for having to take me back, I can see how he could be conflicted.
I am in no way making excuses for him, or condoning his behaviour. I am trying to understand it. I have seen people on this board glean amazing insight into people. I'm hoping someone will make some sense out of this.
I will NOT tolerate his behaviour any longer and H knows this. But I am willing to do anything to get to the bottom of the "why" if it will help us, me, or H. Hence my posting on this forum.
Please tell me if this is just too strange for me to be posting here. That goes for you too H. I don't mind going to another forum so that you can have this place to yourself.
I'm not sure why my posts are appearing instantly. H's seem to appear days later...
