My current thoughts are that living under the same roof is a good thing. Gives W a chance to observe new patterns and behavior, and makes it easier to NOT comment on them. There is a certain amount of the 'under the microscope' aspect, but at this point, I think it is making W realize what she might stand to lose.
Also helps with the W depression, I think. The depression is a big driving force in the upcoming D, and helping her out of it is critical for her well being and any chance the M might have.
No doubt it is a double edge sword......
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Telemark, My W and I have been living as platonic housemates for 10 months and I know what it feels like to be under a constant microscope while having every mistake and minor fault brought up as justification for her WAW behavior and her need to escape and find happiness elsewhere. My W has told me that she will be moving out very soon, she just hasn't told me when.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
I feel for ya, bboom. I am fortunate in that my W has not nitpicked about anything; so it is probably my own paranoia-which I am fighting to overcome-that makes me think my every move is being weighed and measured.
My W has not, however, indicated whether she is yet going to stay or go; in her words, our M is "a day at a time."
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Even after the big blow-up W and I had last month about her sending the OM money - "I'm just helping a friend" was her excuse - I found out she did it again last week; another $200. And I wasn't snooping, but found the entry in the online bank accounts. The first time I discovered it, I was beyond furious and angrily confronted her. This time? Bitter disappointment, and I feel like I just don't give a damn any more. And after weeks of her promising she would have a new "open door policy" regarding her computer and phone usage, she was again behind closed doors last night, both in the home office and in her bedroom.
So, computer and phone use behind closed doors, more money sent to the OM...yeah, I think the EA is back in full bloom.
I am tired of the deception, the dishonesty, the total lack of respect for me and our M.
Her nephew and his girlfriend are coming to visit us this weekend. I don't even want to be in the house to see or entertain any of her family. I have a very strong desire to tell her, after they leave, to find her own place to live so she can be free to do whatever she wants. There is DBing, and there is being used...
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I've been juggling my work schedule and running around for weeks to ensure SS is picked up in the afternoon at his day program, and cared for at home when W is at work. She has told me repeatedly she cannot afford to pay someone to do that, yet she can afford to send OM a monthly stipend.
Do I ignore this? Do I confront? And if I do confront, do I tell her I will no longer be the 24/7 nanny to her S; she can pay for her own nanny. And I'm sure she will go on the offensive and attack me for prying.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
My IC told me once that sometimes it is good to have some information tucked away. If you confront every deception, you will spend all your time snooping and confronting, snooping and confronting, and that is no way to live.
Like mine, your W is either going to notice who you are now, and realize what she is losing, or she is not. The probablity for both of us is that they are not going to notice until they are out of their fog. Hopefully that will happen in a time frame we can deal with.
We are told to believe nothing that we here and only 50% of what we see. I would bank the OM funds, the phone and the computer for a bit, unless it becomes unbearable. She may be in a confused fog, and it will dissapate through time. Or she might be using you like a doormat. Like me, only time will tell.
Suggest you take the high road. Bank the information. Quit snooping, but don't be blind. Keep DBing. For yourself, not for her. Give yourself some time and space. Save the confrontation until YOU decide it is time to call it quits. IMO, now is not the time.
Be strong.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Sitting here at work staring at AutoCAD on my computer screen. I can't seem to shake off that dismal, aching-in-the-stomach feeling, which is something I have not felt in a few weeks. I think I'm over-analyzing my W's every word and action, and convincing myself the end is near. DelinquentGurl, you may now whack me on the head with a 2x4 (she will know why I say this)
It feels like W has all of the power in this sitch. She is doing a much better job of detaching than I am; maybe it's because she had a 6 year head-start (according to her).
As I mentioned earlier, her nephew and his GF are visiting this weekend. They are then driving to Pittsburgh on Monday to take in a Pirates/Orioles game. My panicky, paranoid self is convinced they will discuss our sitch during the drive, and nephew and GF will urge W to pack up and leave.
I loathe feeling this weak and powerless, especially when it comes on out of seemingly nowhere.
You may all commence firing now.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Whoa! That's a tough one Telemark! I am sorry to hear about this. What would be a 180 for you? Would a comprehensive financial discussion be in order? I take it she is takinb money from a joint account to give it to the OM? It sounds like you are taking a time out before you respond which is good. Don't worry about her going to Pittsburgh and the ensuing conversations. Remember, you can only control you. She ultimately doesn't need your permission to move out.
