Forgive or else...what?

[25yearsmlc]

Laura


you are still trying to change him.

There are no secret words to this. If there's any "secret", it's that WE cannot change THEM

and it's a waste of our precious time trying...



My h changed b/c I did....and I did NOT change for him.


Yes I had issues, among them an intense fear of what would happen to our family if he left.



And although I felt he made selfish choices, (using "overworking is FOR the family" etc)

I didn't react in a healthy way and I held a grudge, mainly b/c I thought forgiving would lead to more

selfishness. When he came home after a LONG day I'd answer the door with crossed arms, figuratively and literally. I didn't feel safe being warm to him (idiotic in hindsight)


I didn't think I was punishing him so much as "teaching" him and until


my db coach said "that's NOT a spouse's job", I didn't get it.

(What if INSTEAD, I had warmly welcomed him home and encouraged the kids to do the same? What if I gave him something to miss???)


Plus, my "approach" had not worked for YEARS!!

....but I'm so darn brilliant,


I didn't change a thing...just figured h would miraculously "get it"...

Finally, reality set in. H was leaving no matter what I did or said.

I had to deal with it and I had 2 d's still at home.

When I really accepted that it was likely to end, and my L and I figured I

was not making myself more vulnerable by being in the same home

(D16 had to finish high school anyhow, and the house was recently purchased and both D's priorities were NOT moving or switching schools)

since the L said my plan (stability for the girls)

was safe


I knew what my immediate plan was logistically. Emotionally, I detached in a big way.

And yet I was warm and loving when h was here....but he KNEW I had a life without him.

He missed home life, and he missed me.


He said what I needed to hear, more than once, and over a period of time.


If he had not, I would have simply ended it when D16 graduated.

You must DETACH...have you worked on that? Seriously? B/C you are very attached to

the results.


At some point, we have to simply do our REAL BEST, and leave the results up to God...

and let it go.

It's impossible to move forward (never mind forgiving)

and it's impossible to be happy


without letting go.