I am baffled with myself on how i can still be having bad days and good days. I see the course of action my head tells me to take, but my heart gets in the way.
Tonight, my D7 and i were reading a book, and out of the blue she looked up at me and said "Daddy, i want mommy home, but i dont think she wants us anymore."
uhm, i had to catch my breath on that one. I gave a big hug, and a kiss, told her that both mommy and daddy love her and that maybe mommy will come home and maybe mommy wont, but we still have our family unit just like we have for the last year.
Seemed to satisfy her, didnt help me any. My S9 and D7 look just like their mom. It is uncanny how much so. When i look at them, i it pains me sometimes.
I keep remembering a conversation my wife and i had about 5 years ago. Of course when i was working like an idiot and never home. It was how my wife felt i was married to my job and not her. (I should have realized then)She said it was like i was having an affair on her, then of course i was told not to even think about it or i would be divorced right away. I said that if she had an affair, it would be the only reason i would ever divorce!
Guess i was way off base on that one. I look back at all i have been through in the last year, and i wonder where the strength comes from to continue on this quest that seems such a waste of time and effort.
Well thanks for listening to my 2am thoughts. I am back to not sleeping. not good, and there is nothing i seem to be able to do about it.
