New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

[AloneAt35]

Thanks 25years,

I am on board with EVERYTHING you said.

The thing that I realize, and love about DBing, is that its not about changing him - its about me becoming BETTER. If in that process, by some miraculous turn of events, we come back together as two NEW people, I will be happy. But the goal is for me to be happy either way. (That seems so far off right now, I'm really, really depressed but am vowing to live and keep building my life for another 5 months before I let myself think suicidal thoughts again. [Just to explain, the only way I could deal with those extremely dark urges was by being like Scarlet O'Hara and saying to myself, 'I will think about this another day...in six months...so I gave myself a deadline'.])

Building a new life is the only goal - the only way I will survive. Its also the only thing that could draw him back (if that is even possible or desirable at some future juncture). So the plan is the same either way: get on with MY life.

I agree with you about labels - MLC might have had something to do with it, but ex-P had "problems" (as you say) for a very long time. As I've mentioned before, for 10 years ex-P wouldn't discuss his intimacy issues with me, and then once he ended the relationship we were actually able to have productive conversations about sex for the first time. It makes me sad that it was too late.

Yet we loved each other a lot. I still love him, and maybe deep down, he still loves me (a little). BUT THAT CHANGES NOTHING. I can't stay stuck waiting for him...I have too much dignity for that, and it won't help me in recovering my own happiness, and it won't make me a person that ex-P would ever want to be with again should the opportunity arise for either of us.

The only things I can do are:
1.) REBUILD MY LIFE!!!!
and (less importantly)
2.) Not lay down any roadblocks, hurdles, or burn any bridges with ex-P that would make it impossible for us to have a R in the future should he ever be free of OW, and should I remain single. (Being free of OW is not looking likely at this point - they've been happy together 3 months now and the cohabitation is beginning, and who knows, they might be happy together for the long-term...they are certainly planning for the long term)

I don't like to dwell on OW, but just to answer your question about OW's age/job...I have no idea about her age. Last time I talked to ex-P, she still wouldn't tell him an exact number. She said she was in her 20s or 30s. Ex-P first guessed that she was in her late 20s, now he says she must be at least in her early 30s based on the number of jobs she's held...or she switches jobs often. I should like to hope that ex-P knows her full story by now. Her son is 7 year old, but that doesn't really say much. She also appears to be some kind of nurse, but apparently has done other things as well. She was in a pre-occupational therapy college program, but she is giving that up to move in with ex-P (she lived a state away).

So yes, the age issue is just another example of OW being soooooooo secretive:
1.) legally changing her first and last name at least one time (that she admits to), and changing first names after ex-P started communicating with her.
2.) lying about having a son - saying it was a child she was babysitting, then a child she was planning to adopt, then finally admitting it was her biological child.
3.) refusing to tell her age.

I'm so angry that OW and ex-P are *so happy* together...being abandoned really stinks. I never thought it would happen to me.
The happier OW makes ex-P, the more unfair he's been about issues like insurance, property, etc.

I don't think that ex-P is ever coming back to me, but that doesn't mean that DBing doesn't work...and it is all about the LBS becoming happier without the WAS. Let me tell you about my friend:

Almost 6 years ago exactly, I was in her wedding. Around this time last summer, she discovered that her husband had been having a PA with a woman she knew. Worse than that, she was able to intercept messages and saw the horrible things her H was saying about her: that she was 'crazy,' that he 'wanted a divorce,'that he and OW would soon be married and have children. Well, my friend was distraught and moved out immediately and they began a quickie, no-contest divorce through mediation. You've NEVER seen a woman rebuild a life as quickly as my friend. She didn't want her H back, she blocked all of his emails, changed cell-phone numbers, and refused to communicate except through the mediator. She started dating immediately, she burned all shared momentos, she exposed the affair to everyone (including the OWs parents, whom she'd never met), and she started trying to find joy in every day by herself. Less than a year later, she had to see her STBXH at a final mediation session. The session could barely take place because STBXH sobbed the entire time. When she first found out about her husband's PA, she thought it would destroy her life. It ended up destroying his life and he admitted as much.

Like you say, 25years, in the long run, the LBS can fare better than the WAS...I pray to God that someday that can be me. (But I still pray for my beloved ex-P to start missing me too...its really sick, isn't it?)

Moving on is tough, but it is essential.