So tell me people do they really believe what there saying....everyone she told her version to pretty much hates me....I can see why if she is rewriting our entire marriage....just venting my friends. staying dark.....
The things I wrote made me mad at h all over again
But I also stopped reading b/c it's NOT helpful to feel that way. I may even toss the journals...
But the thing is,
Just b/c I felt the things to be true then, doesn't 1) make them true and 2)
does not mean I always believe it.
I KNOW for sure some of what I felt then, is untrue. I believed it THEN, and don't now.
Hope that helps.
When she revises the marital history TOO much
You can say "Wow, I don't recall it that way, but I'm sorry you feel hurt"...
but if she's saying stuff that might be partly true,
you say "if I had it to do over, I'd do things differently"....
she cannot argue either of these replies and yet you are not being a doormat OR argumentative
BTW, I think it's interesting that she's bringing stuff like this up now.
Kind of good b/c it means to me, she's not indifferent and she is trying to justify her choice....so don't shut out her inner voice with your parental one.
let her figure this out.
Let her SEE that m to you from this day forward, would be better!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Met with W and SIL this mornong to hammer out a separation agreement. Actually nothing really changed except its in writing and binding....It was brutal my once best friend SIL was coming at me like the devil....Anyway after that I left....funny thing happened later today.....
Let me digress a minute, I was having lunch with my W several months ago...and she told me that she felt trapped being married to me...She said that she thought she needed to get divorced before she could ever think of getting back with me....I just thought she was talking trash to me...
So fast forward to today , hours after the meeting she called and was talking about the D and how to get it through the courts...I told her that I did not want the D and I wanted her back...She said that if your trying to wooo me then your doing it wrong...She said I need you to be the man that you keep saying your and do this for me....She ended it by saying H...no one knows what the future will hold....
So my question is ...is it possible that she does in fact need to D me. To let her put the old M to rest and think that a brand new relationship is possible.....Sounds a bit weird but the way she was talking on the phone gave me a very weird feeling. Anywho I was just wondering if any of the vets ever heard of a WAW doing this. I mean the OM is still in the picture even though he is out of the country for a while...Any advice or information would be helpful...Scott
yes. My h said "even if we div, I'd win you back later"
in hindsight I think he was so he!! bent on his adventure up north
that he figured he could take a chance on losing us and then "just win us back later"...
he's lucky it didn't go that far b/c it was hard enough to rebuild as it was
but yeah, they can convince themselves that they are not really risking it all
Unfortunately for the LBSer, we can't argue that "no I'll never take you back if you do this" b/c
that's an ultimatum you don't want to announce...UNLESS
you are alright following through with it. NO ultimatums unless you are prepared for them to call you on it.
I think ultimatums also do more pushing away than keeping, but I don't have "data" on that.
Let's say ultimatums work 50% of the time (& I think its much lower fyi)
...still, the thing is, do you want them to think they're going somewhere from which there's no return?
What happened to the "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth"?
My suggestion other than GAL/180s, is to be MORE mysterious b/c she needs to know
losing you would NOT just be a "temporary setback"....
& that you aren't sitting around on the same "fav spot" on the couch...alone WAITING for her to decide IF she wants to "renew" the R with you...or when...
She needs to know you really are MOVING ON-- "doing interesting things, meeting new exciting people and going to fascinating places!" (put that on your voicemail....
I'm not saying to get punitive. No.
But you cannot be "obviously available" to her as Plan B...
(even if you are)
I think for me & my sitch
h feeling alone up there, missing us, and then seeing me move on (he thought I was dating OM) and I was applying for a job overseas for a year, which the kids were cool with, and we had our new routines without him, doing well...
HE realized HE was the one missing out the most, NOT us....
though he was missed here, it was clearly easier for us as a family of 3-4 to have fun and be alright, than for him to be all alone.
My concern in your sitch is whether there are legal/financial reasons for her to string you along.
If not, then she probably IS simply telling herself that she's hedging her bet and she means it, more or less. THis way, she's "Safer" than if she could really lose you, and look bad in the kid's eyes.
IF there are $$ reasons for her to string you along, then you would be right to wonder, and you have to stand up for yourself financially (do that regardless).
Hope this helps.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm saying she might believe she can get you back later, without a big risk
of permanently losing you
or damaging the family too much...
(See Laura Munson's article "Those Aren't Fighting Words" somewhere online, I don't know how to link it. It's an interesting approach to a MLC)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'd be surprised if OM wants to be a stepdad to 5 girls...or that he'd be good at it'
or that they'd all adjust well...the stuff on TV is not real.
Conflicts will happen and your w could have to choose - NOT your problem.
What are your 180s and GAL now?
Do you think the SIL or your w see any changes in you,
or believe that m to you today
could be different?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 thank you very much for responding. There are no financial things for her down the road. Our situation is that we lost our one big thing and thats the house....So I will continue to GAL and move on with my head held up high....I will not ever let her see me down again.....Its my life and I am in control. I will keep you posted.
but please look at my last post and the last question...
re how marriage to YOU today
would be different than before... and how this shows, if it does.
You do need an answer, at least for yourself. And your girls need to know that you have also evolved/changed.
Everyone needs to know it's possible.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry for the laspe in posting, I have been in a wierd place latley. I wanted to pose a question here to the vets that's been non my mind...My STBXW stays pretty much angry at me all the time. I have been doing the NC for a while now....I was at home and got a call from W, she always asks me do I have time to talk...That is code for blasting me....anyway I asked her in a calm voice...Wife I have not spoken or texted you in over a week what could I have possibly done.....Anyway she began to rehash stuff that happened many years ago....I finally told her that enough is enough...I am giving you your D so what makes this all revelant.....So here is my question is it possible that a WAS stay's angry enough to not want to identify her side of the puzzle and does this anger let her justify the course of action....She just opened up her own checking account and my support/retirement check will be directly deposited into her account that I have no control over...(remember she told me that she feels trapped with me being intertwined in her life)...anyhow the first check has to come in a check form....then the rest go directly....So yesterday she called me and I told her that I got the check in the mail....I don't get home until after 7pm...(all banks are closed).....so this morning she called and bitched at me for not putting the money in the bank last night....I got angry and yelled at her asking her why is she so stupid to ask me that when I have no access whatsoever to her bank account.....This is what she wanted....So my above question stands....I am just venting a bit...but wanted to know if anyone has ran across this type of issue...with WAS.
She likely came to a spot where she needed to make a choice and her reaction was to fall back (replay) to blaming you for her inability to make a choice or as the reason she made the choice she did.
And that led to her feeling she needed to call you up and blast you, yet again...
because it still is... all your fault...
She could stay in replay (or whatever equivalent if she's not MLC) indefinitely... yes, that sux...
yer kinda still mad at her, aren't you?
I've heard it said that the best way to keep your X thinking about you and angry about you is to ensure they have to give you money every month.
Sounds like your new roller coaster is just beginning...
