Side Trip from Forward Motion

[BeingMe]

BH, I don't want to be married with the same conditions we've had in the past. I have been angry, but now a calmer head prevails. I have just sent an email to all my friends who I have confided in:

I am sending this email to all my friends who I have talked to about my marriage (sounds like a lot, but actually not that many - 3 or 4). I am sorry that I put you guys through listening about it, and I am now going to stop. There is more to life, and when it comes down to it, I have a better husband than most, and I cannot fault him on being a good dad (his children are proud of him), and breadwinner. He is also a good friend, and I regret giving a bad impression about him to anyone. Nothing has been resolved by blurting out everything to y'all, and the same about forcing H to listen to me. So, I am going to concentrate on the good, and just let him go and try not to cling. I am at least 50% responsible for the failure of our marriage, and I am not proud of it. Who knows, separating could be the best thing for us.

I am done having this marriage be the major source of discussion every time I meet a friend for coffee or stay a weekend at a family member. I will only vent here, and hope y'all can put up with it. I feel like a burst balloon ... deflated and defeated. Not angry anymore, just sad. Whether we continue with our M or D and then remarry, is all up in the air if we separate. But, I don't want what we were living in the past. It would have to be a completely new R. And, I am very undecided about whether I would want to have him back. Too much muddy water under the bridge.

It will hurt though, if he found someone else. I have to be honest. But, I cannot control him ... only me ... I have to continually remind myself about that. So, no, I don't want to S or D, but I also don't want to continue in this way. Staying in the house for the next 2 years while I complete my degree, then sell up and go back to old city will work for me at this point. Hopefully, by then, the market will have improved, and also things will be clearer as to what direction I want my life to go. At this point, I am going to immerse myself into my studies. Also, this summer, we are going back to our home country for the first time in 15 years. That will be interesting. Then, I want to go with my niece (and possibly my sister) to Israel in August.