Thanks to those of you who've read my story. It's so hard to make sense of everything that is going on with my marriage. I'm going to add some more bits and pieces.
My wife is still living in the house on our property with me. Last night we talked about how she wants to move to her own apartment. She's figuring out how to pay for her own expenses for the first time in years.
I feel really sad about this. We can openly talk about the issues our marriage had in the years leading up to this. I was the problem spouse in a typical Walkaway Wife scenario. Despite it being 6 months and hearing her acknowledge changes, there's something that won't allow her to forgive me. She feels bad that I don't have a romantic partner to enjoy life with and believes she can never be that person again. It's sad to because we are such good friends, we laugh and spend time together, talk about our feelings, express love for one another. She is just so deeply hurt.
She's experienced trauma when she was much younger and is now working through those issues which she never did before. But now I'm wrapped up in the trauma and the blame and the guilt. It seems like such a thick web, it's hard to see how we can get through it together. I didn't realize before how profoundly unhappy her general life outlook has been ever since I met her 10 years ago. She would try so hard to hide the sad parts of herself. I wasn't prepared to handle what was coming.
In addition to the trauma, last year, she also experienced a serious immune illness that kept her in bed and on heavy antibiotic doses for 8 months. It really destroyed what was simmering of our relationship. We did have problems before that but it was so hard to go through for both of us. We were in denial about the psychological impact of it all.
It seems like a combination of immaturity on both of our parts, past issues and severe illness may be too much for our relationship to bear.
She's told me I've not been acting like my 'old self' for these past months. But she just can't forgive me for being so detached. I also used to get very frustrated and had a poor time managing emotions like anger. Never in a physical way or even overtly verbal. But there were just enough occasional biting comments that I hurt her very deeply. She knows I didn't intend to hurt her but that doesn't make it any better. I accept responsibility for this behavior and thank god it's been pointed out to me. It's so comforting to know that I've lived the past 6 with this side of me in control and that she can see that. I know I'm only going to get better at it too. She sees herself as a victim which is hard for me to deal with because that frames me as an abusive victimizer. I understand what she means but don't identify with that roll. I've talked to my therapist about why my wife has claimed I'm abusive and have been told abuse is not the right word for what is described - more like that I was really irritable, grouchy and cranky. I guess it's a fine line. I feel disappointed in myself that it's even a conversation point, but am learning from it and fixing that problem. Still I resent her for accusing me with that language. Oddly enough she has done all the things to me (yelling at me, ridiculing me in front of friends/strangers, being irritable) that she accuses me of, at least that's my perspective. She insists she acted this way as a reaction to me and therefor it's my fault. It's a weird situation.
I've come to the conclusion that maybe her problems are bigger than with just me. At first it was easier for her to blame me 100% for all the problems in our relationship, but eventually we came to realize that was an excuse so she wouldn't have to confront some of her own issues. It was very hard getting past that and I think part of the reason why she resisted counseling, because she knew what might come up. Growing up is really hard and I don't blame her for trying to avoid it as long as possible. I just wish she could envision a future where we both heal together.
She explained to me yesterday how she doesn't view marriage or any other social contracts as something she should have to respect. That she realized recently for her she doesn't believe in them. It seems like pointing out she is breaking her vows, her commitment and her word just make her want to leave more. Like it makes her feel trapped.
I hope she can work her issues and me mine. I feel like I have to completely let go soon. It seems like it doesn't have to be that way. It's so hard to explain these what's going on, but is cathartic to type it out so thanks for reading.
