Harrier

[Harrier]

btw I think her actions are meant as reassurance from her.

Could you expand on this?

Time will tell.

Are you quoting Asia?

---------------

I do some opportunities about living apart. My main one is that I could focus more on my running. Go to more concerts. Also, doing some freelance legal work

Part of me is looking forward to the possibilities. I really havent' lived alone all the much. Heck, I'm an identical twin, so I didn't even get time in the womb alone.

[25yearsmlc]

meant as reassurance from her


means she is trying to compensate for your hurt and she knows your fears are mounting and you might panic or get clingy


so she reassures you this is temporary and will heal you...[color:#FF0000]at a minimum, she needs a time out. Give it to her if she still needs it after You db big time til August..../color]


That's the best case scenario so go with it. Give her as much space NOW as possible by NOT noticing every single thing she says/does/looks at, etc....


"time will tell" no I am not quoting someone else. Saying time will tell b/c she needs time...

Remember to focus on what you are looking forward to. You want HER to wonder about what's going on with You and NOT feel as if she has to keep on reassuring YOU....

No, we want HER to think "Harrier is not clingy to me now.. oh good, I can breathe...but wait....what's up with HIM???"

[Harrier]

I'm already ahead of you on the giving her space thing. I'm trying to hold back a lot. Taking a lot of the focus off her.

My big issue, as it has always been, is that the lack of affection/closeness from W could have real negative impact for me. I mean it's great that she will get all this time, but it doesn't come without a cost.

How did you deal with what was essentially a rejection by your H?

I think she knows this a bit already from some of the things she's told me. But it doesn't change things. I guess the shoe is on the other foot now



The time will tell thing was a joke. I thought you did comedy ;-) And don't tell me that wasn't comedy.

[Harrier]

Odd Day.

I was still down this morning but did my best to be upbeat.


I made an appt to look at an apartment earlier this weke. It's a stones throw from my house.

Today was the day to go see it. My W wanted to come with me Honestly it was difficult.
I picked her up at 11 o'cock and we drove the the apt building, it is old mills that have been converted. Mostly silent drive to the place, but some small talk.

We meet the rental agent and the guy starts talking. he ask about time frame, my W says sooner would be better.

She he gives us a mid July to mid August time frame for openings.

Then my W said "We aren't in any rush, we could wait until a 1 bedroom opens up." she kept up this idea of not needing to hurry.

She also asks about lease options for less than a yer. She was please when they had a 6-month option

We see a number of apts in the building. all decent. I take an app and we leave. My wife comments on the 6-month options saying we should start with that because that's probably all we will need.. My W asks if I want to have lunch. We do. we talk about the apt. she really loves the location because it's so close. She talks bout how the kids will like the pool and like the apt. the apts were nice and I could see myself living there, but...

After lunch, I take her back to her office She says, "this really s*cks."
I said, "But if it helps us get to a better marriage, it will be worth it.
she agrees.

I then say I have a lot of faith it will workout between us.
she pauses for long time, then says i do do because of us. We then talk about all the difficult times we've gone through together and how we managed them successfully.

I drop her off.

I'm not naive enough to say this changes anything. I think it makes it more real for both of us and it looks like I will have until August 1 at the earliest.

time to make the summer fun. No use moping these months we have now.

[Harrier]

Somewhat interesting convo with my W last night.

We had another great weekend. I spent a couple hours in a ball pit with my boys yesterday. The whole family went to an indoor play place. Thank God they allowed the adults to have fun too.

I still am struggling to deal with the pull back of any affection. I mean I'm not visibly angry or anything, but it is tough.

Back to the convo. After we put our kids to bed my W works for a while. Then she comes into the living room. She says that I seem off and asked me if I'm alright. Now, I can't say I'm fine or I don't want to talk about it. My W hated that I did this for the last year or so. She always thought I was keeping things inside until they blew up.

I keep it vague. I say "I'm kinda upset with myself still. It's nothing you've done or anything."
The she said that I should look toward the future and that a lot of what I've done has gotten us to this point.

She said that I should feel free to talk to her when I'm bothered about something. I respond that there are times when I am bothered by things (lack of affection, no sex, etc - I DID NOT name these specifically, FYI) but that I need to work through them for myself and I don't want to just provoke her or complain because she react to these.

She says "it's is a fine line."

The when get into more of the heart of the convo. Now earlier in the week we were talking about the moving out thing -she had mentioned that she thought it was big waste of $$. Then yesterday we were talking specifics about getting the $$ together for the rent and security deposit. We are trying to get on track financially due to numerous issue. She mentioned that it's going to take a while to get the $$ for the apt - then she throws in "if ever."

So back to the talk. She said she was really happy and a bit surprised about how I have handled things re the move out. She said if anything she's freaked out more. She said things are going really good for us in that the drama level down to 0 and we lots of fun stuff as a family.

She said she has started to think about doing stuff together - just me and her.

But, here it comes, she doesn't have it in her now to start working on things between us. She wants a level of calm for a while. She also said she was worried about sending me a mixed message. I said something like I know working on it doesn't mean it changes anything. Then she says "maybe I'm worried about sending myself a mixed message."

The she asks me if I think I should try to move out sooner. I said," Honestly, I think it would help in a lot of ways."
Then we talk some more and she said "I'm in no hurry to have you move out."

The she said something that was great to here. I think sometimes we get mired in how we are feeling. We thing just because the S is acting a certain way they are okay. But they aren't

She told me that she isn't happy with how things are between us as in we aren't having a romantic type relationship. She said things aren't how she wants them to be. That told me that we do share a common goal here - to get back to that.

Now I know 25, no R talks, but really this was a good R talk and not too deep. No crying or anything, just talking.

I really, really want to believe my W is conflicted about the move out plan. But I'm not naive and I have to proceed as if that's the plan.

Later this month should prove interesting. I'm going to Colorado with my eldest son for about 8 days. Some my W will have a lot of free/alone time. Our youngest will stay with her though.

overall, I'm pretty optimistic but it will take time.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

uhhhh...

I believe that when you are piecing, you HAVE to have the R talks. I'm pretty sure that 25 will agree, although by all means disagree if you do not 25.

For me, without the R talks, its like burying your head in the sand.

I just caution that they be few, and level headed clear when you have them, and not to allow emotion to dictate their direction.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm baffled...not by the R talk

but by the choice of YOU moving out. I thought SHE was....wth?


SHE wants the space, not you...

and why are you hiding how you feel (except mopey anger)

from her when she's asking?

Why not Be real, CALM, but real?

[Harrier]

JTB .
25 gave me grief for having too many R talks. She said before that we talk too much.

It was calm rational talk, not lead by emotions. And it was the first one in a couple weeks.


25

JTB had the same issue about me vs her moving out. As I explained to him,- She would move out, but our youngest is just 19 months and we agreed it's better for her to stay in the house.

JTB suggested I was too accommodating. Perhaps. But that is the plan.

also I'm NOT hiding how I feel nor was I mopey angry. My answer of being upset with myself was partially true but the other reason was not worth fighting about.

Also, she said what you said about wanting an real answer. But some answers are hot topics. Like yesterday, if i said I was upset b/c I wanted to have sex. That wouldn't have gone over well. There is a place for those talks. I hear ya though I feel I need to work on those myself instead of bring to my W every instance I am down.

[25yearsmlc]

you wanted to have sex when she was discussing you moving out?

you're right. NOT a good time to say that...

Okay I must've missed something on your thread. If it's here, I'll find it so I can make sense of this and give feedback based on all the info

Good for you not showing the mopey angry stuff though

[XYZ]

Hey my Brother H -

Help me out here, I'm months and months behind and trying to catch up. 3 days ago I stop in a second and I'm still here and show no signs of leaving.....

So, am I reading this right that both you and W are in agreement that you're working on the M, but you're getting your own place? Is that right?

I will tell you that during my first sep, W flat out told me that being apart allowed her to feel me missing and that was good thing, but when she asks you to come home please please please don't jump without some ground rules! Read my sitch and you'll see what I mean.

X out.