Legit DBing? or is this just calm before storm?

[25yearsmlc]

mommaduck

DO NOT SEND HIM ANYTHING...the first is WAY too long and angry and he won't read it. If he did, he'd argue with it b/c it attacks him. The second one does too, but it's just shorter. What's the point of this anyhow?

just get the heck out of there and show him with your actions that you have boundaries. Otherwise the letter is more nagging without follow up...more of the same old...

I read the whole thread.

Made me recall a workshop I attended when I was about your age. There were many of us with similar stories.

We grieved it all...we processed it all... and then the main T, said,

"Those terrible things happened and they hurt you. And that, is that"...

His point was, there's little value in the rehashing, and a lot of potential "stuckNess"... but really, what else can we say about it all.... NOW?

In fact, it continues to pain us by holding onto it.

But we are free now.

We can let it go and then it does NOT pain us further.

We CAN contain the damage...but ONLY by letting go of it.

I once wrote something like that. I find that reading it again, is not helpful.
If I may suggest something, print out that thread and then burn it.


It helped me a lot.

It's part of letting go of the past. LET IT GO. ALL OF IT...and don't go back there.


It's history and it's mostly a series of things that victimized you or mistakes you made repeatedly. Sure, there were hideous deficits in your childhood that played a big role


but it's still just a sad history.


DBing is about what to do NOW that works for your life

and NOT doing what does not work. It's called solution based therapy rather than

the analysis of our past.

You have Ts and Cs for analysis.

I've done all of that and found that solution based is what I'm going to focus on the rest of my life. It's about being in the present & planning for good future.


I'm the child of an alcoholic, I get how it affected choices in my 20s and it won't again. It has not influenced any present day choices, other than my reminding my kids that they have the genes and to be aware of that.

I saw too many adult children of alcoholics going to meetings for years, telling the same stories and staying stuck, blaming their childhoods for why they were so screwed up today. They wallowed in it. They missed the word "Adult" in the title.

At some point we can't keep blaming others for choices we make now.
A 30 woman with a child, is there.

SO I'm not going to keep staring at yesterday when I could be creating a good today and tomorrow.


I am not minimizing your childhood pain, it was rough!!

But you are making choices today that are not healthy for you or your d.

Focussing on healthy foods at your parents house...compared to the other issues in your life, almost made me laugh. Sorry...I mean I get it, but on the whole...???

But seriously, get a good job, get out of the house as soon as possible.

BTW, Your h OWES THE MONEY so why not get it from him now and get out?

A roof over your head isn't something you have to pay for while legally m...geez

Yes he has to pay child support. It's not a debt he owes YOU. He owes it to d!...

Only a co-dependent person who has no idea where she ends and others begin, would think that her ex h choosing NOT to pay child support for one child, when he's able bodied, with a history of under employment or no employment


and CHOOSES not to pay, and then ends up in jail, would ever think it was HER fault....
that is ridiculous.
it's almost self centered...I mean, why is this about YOU at all?

He owes money for his child. This is not a radical concept.


From where I sit, my guess is he'd get off his butt and get a job and pay the miniscule amount required.

Your d would be helped, NOT hurt. You want to deny her the funding he's legally required to pay,

b/c you're afraid you might somehow not look good in his eyes? Her eyes? What? She won't ever think it's your fault...for goodness sake...

Even if she somehow did, so what?

Better to have money for food and a roof over her head, and a slightly upset d, than what's happening now. Or being in a shelter...


I met a woman who said she "never took a cent from ex h" and "raised her four kids all by..." herself. Yeah, they lived in squalor for her pride...

great.


Your fears are not based on reality and are misdirected.

Fight for your d and get what she deserves if you can't choose to value yourself enough.

Tough if your h can't handle it. Frankly, I'm betting he will "handle it" and you'd probably be doing him a favor.

If you are too weak to take responsibility for this (sorry but it's the same as you making the insurance company say "no" to him taking your car, instead of you saying "no, I don't trust you with it for OBVIOUS reasons")

then blame the law...whatever.

Do NOT take responsibility for HIS choices. It's soooo NOT your problem.
Have some boundaries.

I recall having a similar issue (not as bad but still) and as a L, I chose to see my life as "my jurisdiction" like my "state"....I controlled MY state...no one else's and no one else controlled mine...

just as Georgia is not responsible for what Texas does,

You are not responsible for what your h does.

Get out, get a life and take care of yourself and your d. You teach her FAR more with your actions/environment than what you say about things.


Start fresh and stop looking back as it is NOT helping you or your d.


You can do this and YOU MUST. No one is going to rescue you so I suggest any dating...I didn't count one healthy R in your history. Not one...

You're not ready to date... OR work on THIS "m"...

Just BE...and care for your d and find good child care

I hope it's obvious that contacting OW's is not to be done again. It's unhealthy, unproductive, and no more words are needed I hope.

if your job prospects are not good where you are, go where they are better.

Finish school at some point, maybe a job that pays for it. But it'll be good for you & D in the long run.

Your h isn't going to get his life together with all the dysfunction in that apartment...it's one of the stranger stories here.

You are NOT helping him but that's not your job anyhow.

No more I would've done 'x', but then 'y' happened, or someone ELSE did 'a' to me, and so I couldn't....


Imagine your life were a novel.

You have to be the author of your life.

Make the next chapters go the way you want them to. Stop letting others write any parts.

Do you get this?

When you begin letting go of the victimhood of the past, you will feel free.

BE HERE NOW.