God that all sounds so familiar! One difference is that my WAW says she sees the changes I have made, but doesn't believe they'll last. Her IC has only solidified her commitment to seek a separation.
Another difference is that I'm further down the track. I finally agreed to let her make an appt with a mediator for this Thursday. 1.5 weeks ago I realized my GAL had worked, I was at peace with letting go and agreeing to a separation. She's been saying we'll have 50/50 shared custody, so I proposed that we keep the kids in the house (D11, S5) and we move in and out, possibly sharing a 1 BR for the off week too, as finances are pretty tight to afford a 2-3 BR apt for me + the mortgage and bills. Particularly a furnished short term, as we're talking about a 90 day separation to start.
I started DB coaching with Chuck last week, he confirmed that what I had been doing was right, and suggested some more things I could do. It's not easy. I'm still hopeful that we can re-kindle the relationship, but then this weekend one of her tests was, "you only stayed married to me for $". Yeah, right. We were poor as church mice 18 years when we married, 15 years since she was permanently disabled buy a fall which bought us a nice house, 2 kids... WTF?? But I know that's her testing me. The more she sees the positive changes, the harder she tests and lashes out, because those very changes conflict with her established position that I can't change, and she should move on.
Sunday she brought up a discussion of property settlement, re: the house, and I just kept saying, "We'll talk about it with the mediator, that's what she's for." Finally I had to leave the house rather than continue into a shouting match. W is terrified that I'll take any portion of the wheelchair accessible house in a D. My position is that I want her to stay in the house, but I can't start a new life with our kids if I have nothing. I went out and did something she had asked me to do earlier, spent some time talking with a friend by phone, and about 2 hours later she called and said our S wanted me to come home.
When I got home she was online, looking for a 1 BR or studio that we could share. Making the reality of a separation real was part of Chuck's coaching, so I guess that took!
It all stinks, it isn't what I want, and certainly isn't what I want for the kids, but I realized that if I kept resisting a sep, I would leave her no option but to file for D. Agreeing to the sep was a MAJOR 180 for me. When I told her I wanted her to be happy, and to make the mediator appt, her eyes were like saucers and her jaw hit the floor! A couple of days later, the big test/lash-out with the "you just stayed married to me for the $$".
It's funny how awareness of what's she's doing makes it so transparent!
