I spent most of my day reading your thread after the kind words you posted on mine. I don't know how any words of mine might come as any comfort or reassurance, for I recognize the pain and agony that you are in all to well. I will tell you this much.........
It is not a terrible fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death of a M or R, of not having anything to hold on to.
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.
When we begin our exploration, we have all kinds of ideals and expectations. We are looking for answers that will satisfy a hunger, a desire we are feeling very intensely. Somehow all the warnings in the world don't quite convince us of the reality of our sitch. In fact they draw us closer.
What I am talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eye, not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing and feeling. The truth is that when you do this you will be continually humbled.
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us"
Nevertheless, when the bottom falls out and we can't find anything to grasp, it hurts a lot. We look in the bathroom mirror and there stares a man looking back, wondering-How did my life become this? How did I get here? Why me?
We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality within us.
Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together and fall apart again. It is life.
When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a new adventure.
Each day you are given an opportunity to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can't handle whatever is happening. It's too much. It's gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves. Life had nailed us!!
Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them.
BTM I want you to know I understand your hurt and you have been at this for a much longer time than I. Sometimes the hardest thing to do, is actually the easiest.
Let go
If you use this time, this experience for good not only will you heal, you will be a greater person than you ever imagined.
Thanks for the feedback Kaffe and 2Step. I was busy yesterday (more on that in a moment) and didn't read you posts until this morning. I am going to stop the good night ritual. For me, it was a way of reassuring myself at the end of each day that I still love her and care for her despite all that has happened. But, I also know it stops me from moving on. I have slept in the middle of the bed and even on her side a couple times, but I will make a point of doing it more often.
As for accepting that she is happy and believing all of what I hear....well, let me try to explain. I think STBX is happy in many ways. She wanted OM/Boss for years. But, I also believe she isn't happy too. I think she actually loves both of us and eventually chose him, but now that she is there realizes how much she misses me. She could be with either one us and be happy, but would still be missing the other one. I know that sounds weird, but I really think that is where she is. Bottom line though - she has to live her current life for a while, before she can ever decide if it's the better of the two for her. I know that.
Yesterday wound up being a nice day. D19, her BF drove my Mom's new (to her) car up to her, while I drove in my car. We had a short visit. When we left my Mom hugged D19 and cried a little and said "my only granddaughter" and something like "one thing your Mom did right". Both D19 and I just let that one slide.
The drive home is about an hour and the 3 of us talked, stopped for fries from a fry truck, stopped at a candy/nut store. Then D19, her BF, S17, and I had dinner together. Later, we all went to Dairy Queen. It was a good family day and I went to bed feeling much better than the night before.
Of course, I thought about STBX missing out on days like that and how we should all be together. But, I also realized that if it wasn't for me and my actions, my kids wouldn't have anything like that anymore. I am proud of the Dad work I do.
Today, I feel pretty good again. Most days I feel that way. There is always that gnawing presence in my mind and heart, but it's no longer debilitating.
Had I remained dark and not spoke with STBX, I wouldn't even have gotten down and upset. I will go back to dark again now, but I also know that staying dark allows me to ignore some things and not really deal with them.
So...back to darkness it is until STBX b'day on June 23rd - or beyond that. I will have to make a decision on that.
Glad to see that you had a great time with family over the weekend. I'd also agree that your STBX probably does have a deep down love for you, it would be nearly impossible not to. My W is very similar, I know she loves me, but chooses to spend more time with OM. I *don't* think she loves him though, she just has to figure out for herself what she wants.
There's not a day that goes by that I want to desperately contact my W and be around her. The darkness for us is to help us heal, but you are right, at some point you need to contact, if only for closure.
Hang in there!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
LP - When I broke the darkness, I actually thought of you and Nine. But, I was concerned about S17 and there were other things to discuss.
I think STBX actually does love OM - but not as deeply as she loves me. But as I mentioned before, she needed to experience life with him. Even if he had never separated, she would have always wondered what it would be like, so she would have never been fully present in our marriage. So....being with him was a needed step in her life. She will either be with him for a long time (maybe forever) or she could one day realize he's not her dream man after all. Then, and only then, she MIGHT come to me. Then I will have to decide what is best for me.
The biggest issue I have is fully accepting that and truly living my life without waiting for that day to come.
No worries BTM about darkness breaking. If it helps you , get dark again but if it doesnt, then do what works.
You cant STAY STUCK, BTM. That will destroy you eventually and will not pique her interest.
You dont know where she is on the love meter. Ill bet she doesnt truly know.
There are many pretty women in ONtario dude. I know the history is missing but YOU CANT force someone to love you.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Last night I did not touch STBX's side of the bed or say "good night. I love you" to someone that isn't there. I still thought it though. I also went to bed in the middle of my huge California king. I woke up on my side, but slept well.
For a long time, I have been thinking about writing a book regarding the last 2 years of my life. Obviously, it will likely never be published, but I started writing it this morning. It may be too much living in the past, or it may be the catharsis I need to move forward. I may give up after a couple days. We'll see.
It was nice to go back to dark yesterday. The two conversation with STBX on the weekend allowed me to make some things clear and open, but really got to me too. One thing - there was no mention of the cards I included in the box of stuff I had S17 take to her. I think that's a good thing.
BTM, I'll be following your posts as I may be breaking my dark fast soon. W contacted me this morning and asked a bunch of small logistical questions. I'm not sure I want to jump back on that rollercoaster quite yet.
I think the book sounds like a great idea! Think of it as one long extended journal. You may dredge up thoughts and feelings you never knew you had. It would be a good overall growth strategy.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
LP - When I broke it Saturday night, it was odd. Just the sound of her voice weakens me a little. The worst part about that - OM called her land line while she was talking to me. I overheard her speaking to him in the "sweet" voice that used to be reserved only for me. That was tough.
It was good to clear up a few things. She seems to be weakening a little on her position of no longer helping me financially after the divorce next year, even if both kids are still with me and in post secondary school.
I neglected to mention this before. On Sunday after our two talks she came by my house to drop off money she forgot to give to the kids. D19 and I were at my mom's, but S17 was home. He commented on how our dog (was hers) was so excited to see her. I can't help wondering if that made her think, even a tiny bit.
I will watch your thread closely and do my best to support you when you do break the darkness. Prepare yourself in advance and don't say or do anything without thinking. Be strong my brother.
...Then I will have to decide what is best for me.
The biggest issue I have is fully accepting that and truly living my life without waiting for that day to come.
Can't you decide what is best for you today?
It's been a while since this all happened, living in the past is wasting the time you have today.
Life is a precious thing to waste, stop worrying about going dark and how your wife talks to the OM, focus on your life and make it a great example for your kids to follow.
