Just writing down my thoughts............pouring it out so to speak..........
Struggling to get too sleep at the moment, esp this last week. Detachment was/is going ok, but had a bad Sat when I kept thinking about W and if she was going out etc. I find the detachment easier when she has the kids and I am on my own as I know she is not out drinking and partying. Most of the time I think about W, but not what she is doing, with etc, but why I am in this position, how did I get here, why has she chosen this path instead of trying etc, BUT..........
I am in a really strange place ATM TBH
I was the one who paid for her rental deposit and first months rent so she could get her own place, this was for both of our sakes as at the time as we were both unhappy. I am sure W has been questioning her choices from how she has been acting and what kids and friends have said, but this changes nothing (actions not words), she is so stubborn and proud she will not admit anything to anyone!!!! So I can not see the S changing anytime soon.
I know I will be better for this (eventually), and he upstairs will have a cunning plan, but ATM it feels very hard to take, mainly because my contributions to the failure of M are minimal. I have recognised my contributions though, processed them, owned them and have forgiven myself, I just hope W can do the same, for her.
I keep telling myself that W's words to me were that she had been a bit*h to ME and treated me poorly. I know I have something to do with this but Hell....... I had been so unhappy in the M in the last year or so, but I want us to work at it, start from the beginning again, have a new better R/M, AM I MAD? I can not help the way I feel though. As I said before, head and heart are not in sync here! I removed my wedding ring as a symbol that the M is over and I do not want to go back to how it was, and I will not, I would rather go through this pain rather then be in an unhappy marriage, life is too short! But I love my W! I suppose I have to look at it from a good perspective, i.e. she felt she mistreated ME, but I want/wanted to work on our M, not just give up and walk away, that shows a lot and the person I am.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
