We had another great weekend. I spent a couple hours in a ball pit with my boys yesterday. The whole family went to an indoor play place. Thank God they allowed the adults to have fun too.
I still am struggling to deal with the pull back of any affection. I mean I'm not visibly angry or anything, but it is tough.
Back to the convo. After we put our kids to bed my W works for a while. Then she comes into the living room. She says that I seem off and asked me if I'm alright. Now, I can't say I'm fine or I don't want to talk about it. My W hated that I did this for the last year or so. She always thought I was keeping things inside until they blew up.
I keep it vague. I say "I'm kinda upset with myself still. It's nothing you've done or anything." The she said that I should look toward the future and that a lot of what I've done has gotten us to this point.
She said that I should feel free to talk to her when I'm bothered about something. I respond that there are times when I am bothered by things (lack of affection, no sex, etc - I DID NOT name these specifically, FYI) but that I need to work through them for myself and I don't want to just provoke her or complain because she react to these.
She says "it's is a fine line."
The when get into more of the heart of the convo. Now earlier in the week we were talking about the moving out thing -she had mentioned that she thought it was big waste of $$. Then yesterday we were talking specifics about getting the $$ together for the rent and security deposit. We are trying to get on track financially due to numerous issue. She mentioned that it's going to take a while to get the $$ for the apt - then she throws in "if ever."
So back to the talk. She said she was really happy and a bit surprised about how I have handled things re the move out. She said if anything she's freaked out more. She said things are going really good for us in that the drama level down to 0 and we lots of fun stuff as a family.
She said she has started to think about doing stuff together - just me and her.
But, here it comes, she doesn't have it in her now to start working on things between us. She wants a level of calm for a while. She also said she was worried about sending me a mixed message. I said something like I know working on it doesn't mean it changes anything. Then she says "maybe I'm worried about sending myself a mixed message."
The she asks me if I think I should try to move out sooner. I said," Honestly, I think it would help in a lot of ways." Then we talk some more and she said "I'm in no hurry to have you move out."
The she said something that was great to here. I think sometimes we get mired in how we are feeling. We thing just because the S is acting a certain way they are okay. But they aren't
She told me that she isn't happy with how things are between us as in we aren't having a romantic type relationship. She said things aren't how she wants them to be. That told me that we do share a common goal here - to get back to that.
Now I know 25, no R talks, but really this was a good R talk and not too deep. No crying or anything, just talking.
I really, really want to believe my W is conflicted about the move out plan. But I'm not naive and I have to proceed as if that's the plan.
Later this month should prove interesting. I'm going to Colorado with my eldest son for about 8 days. Some my W will have a lot of free/alone time. Our youngest will stay with her though.
overall, I'm pretty optimistic but it will take time.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
