One foot out the door, the other on a rug....

[luvmyhubby]

Every day seems like a deluge of information that opens my eyes more and more. This weekend i actually talked to my H regarding some things which may have been a backslide but it helped me so im okay with that. He ignored the fact his children were sick so I got all over him about that. After being up all night with both kids with fever i got really mad. I called him at 6am when im sure he was out all night and told him what I thought about him not caring.

He came right over and brought things for the kids and gave me excuses about not knowing they were sick. Not true so I toldh im he should have cared to know what was wrong with them and not just assumed I was being mean. I also told him that even though he was fine to hurt me I wasnt going to hurt him especially with the kids.
We talked several times while he was there all day with the kids. He told me that he was angry with me and hurt by me basically making all of the decisions in our marriage that got us to where we are. When I questioned which decisions he said from what we watched on TV to making him feel bad when he went away for the weekend and he came home to an angry wife. I listened and agreed I was not always the wife I should have been.
I did disagree with his description of how we got to where we are correcting one of his memories of why we moved out of our first apartment. He blamed that on my need for dental work and I corrected that telling him it was becuase we BOTH chose to save for a home. Most of this was because he wanted a dog and we got a dog and we had problems with our apartment after that. I then told him that before he Crucifies me again about a memory he better make sure it is an accurate memory.

I then told him while he was making his list of things that I had done to him to ruin his life to add a few things. Then I reminded him of how I encouraged him to choose his career then to start his buisiness and I funded this business as well as support him. I also got onto him about being on time to get the kids in the morning.

Now this was not an angry conversation between us but a very good back and forth of information. My H did break down at one point saying that he was always doing things for everyone else and nothing for himself and I did give him a long hug which he accepted.

I did tell him that he was present every time we made decisions and he replied by saying he disagreed with some of them. I asked why he didnt speak up he said because he didnt want to cause waves in our relationship. So he doesnt like where he is at with his life and blames me for it.

I reminded him that our relationship was easy and we were easy together we didnt have even try to be happy we just were. The kids, the location of our home even our plans for our home were things he did want.

He did stop wearing his wedding ring and this really HURT.. I told him so and told him I would keep wearing mine.. There were some positive things though he was helping me with some things i didnt ask for and he is looking me in the eyes again.

I told him also that I was not able to change the past that I was part of the problem but he was also. I was changing and could only make things better in the future but not change the past and his choices from now on were just that. His choices to be with someone else or to come home whatever it may be were all his to make.
I wouldnt be hounding him or tracking him that I would just be living my life the best I could. I also told him that I was praying for him every day.. Not to come home but to find what he needed and the to be clear headed and be happy. I did mention his business and how it was failing sometimes and he said he was working really hard at making it great and it wasnt failing. I told him that I wished he was working that hard for his family since he should put his family first and not his business....

I know now he has to come to terms with his choices in life and eventually see where he took part. I cannot do that for him but I can be supportive and also move on with my life in a sense.

Im sure this is a HUGE backslide however I am glad I did it and made him talk to me. At least now I can take comfort in knowing why he believes me to be the source of his anger and pain. Now I truly know that I am not the source but his own battle will show him that in the long run. I can just pray that we can reconcile to get another chance for me to show him that I have changed and am still changing and he also needs to do the same.

Praying for strength a clear head and all the right words....

______________________________________
H:31
W: 34
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-8
Seperated living apart