We have the same 6 month deadline-H moved out on 1/5/2011 and it is rapidly approaching.
I have no doubt that he has feelings for you and is confused. But since we take on so much guilt regarding the reasons that the WAS has to exit, we hold on to every gesture, word, or activity that means that they are coming to their senses, are rethinking things, and want to come home. The fact is-he hasn't said what you wanted him to say, that he is ready to try again. I can't imagine what it was like for you to find that note in his vehicle (special hugs for you) but after the conversation that you have had you need to really hear his words.
Right now-he is not interested in pursuing a relationship. If he tries, he is going to do it halfheartedly for other reasons than the fact that you are amazing and he is a fool (family, kids, guilt, etc.) You don't deserve that. You want him back BECAUSE HE WANTS TO COME BACK, otherwise you are going to end up in the exact same place you were prior to him leaving.
Advice from someone who has done all of that....stop thinking about what he wants and start thinking about what you want. No more R talks. Let him initiate R or S/D talks. Don't engage. Let him approach you legitimately about MC if he decides to do that. LET HIM DO THE WORK!
And as far as the other-make the family time more formal. Have him take the kids out-hanging out at the house is confusing and he loves it because he can have a family but go home alone and figure things out. He has to miss something in order to feel pain and, although we don't want to hurt our spouses, the reality is that if you do D, he will not be hanging out at the house.
If you were single right now, what would you be doing? What would it look like to you? I have a three year old and one year old and I am in great spirits, not because I don't miss my H but I can separate the two people....that is what they are right now....the warm, amazing person I married,my confidante and friends vs the man who left a 5 month old baby to find personal happiness....the man who is cold, judgemental, and angry. I have owned up to what I have done, expressed my regrets, validated his concerns but now the focus in on me. The man he is right now is NOT THE PERSON I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH. And the old marriage is dead.
You have to separate out who he is now from what he was before....do you want to be with him right now the way he is and how he is treating you? Let him go, start detaching, realize he is in a lot of pain and confusion that you can't help him with. Telling him repeated that you want to fix the marriage, that you are there for him, etc is pushing him further away. Let him go and start doing some things for you. Pretend you are single and have a chance to reinvent yourself. What would it look like?
