Well, I made it past the 1st year mark of full discovery. I did my best to not let it get to me. I managed my behavior very well. HOWEVER, I was SO so very depressed. I just rode it out. We ML in the AM and went swimming in the afternoon...overall a good day and VERY different from last year!
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Woke up at 4 AM. Tearful. It hit me like bricks that the love, security, and safety I believed I had in my marriage was a lie. Yes, yes it was a lie. I realized as I stared up that my feelings for H aren't the same. Sure, we're more connected, H feels more in love. I don't. I do love him, but not in the same way. I just don't know what to do with that.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
We had a good heart to heart Friday. Being more open and honest is good. I ended up feeling unfamiliar feelings . Not good feelings as I am facing what I need to change in the way I treat and react to him. I know what that is. However, sometimes he perceives me reacting/acting in ways that are so off the mark. That scares me. Examples: a)I roll over and fall asleep as he is putting his arm around me and he says I was pretending to sleep. Huh? b)One Father's Day gift he thought was "thoughtless" on my part and it hurt his feelings.
He also confuses me. He has started liking birds and has some feeders outside our window. I found a guy who makes beautiful handmade bird houses. He had three styles and because they are very expensive, I chose one and thought I'd get the others in time. Well, several months ago he told me that the bird house was more for me than for him. He was saying that I am not conscientious enough when I gift give. NOW he says he loves the birdhouse because I got it for him. I told him I was confused and thought he didn't like it. Then he admits that he only said that to hurt me. WTF? Anyway, I said that those kinds of head games have no place in a marriage and especially in one that needs rebuilding. Those games need to end. Is he really that primitive? His A certainly was very budding adolescent in nature. I see that we need to level the playing field. He has always been envious of my career and ease at making money. We are enjoying a nice life, yet he wants to cut me down. It's something from his childhood. Not to be too psychologically minded, but this one has to get figured out.
Hey, J3B....you bravely posted your story on someone's thread. I read it, thank you. I don't know where it is.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Myname, I have the feelings you have, less often than before but still, there are days...
The trick for me is to look for strength inside me and not expect or request it from him. Schnarch has "a soothing yourself" chapter in his book I think. I find it extremely helpful. As time passes by, I feel stronger and that allows me to act in a more mature way within our R.Guess what the result is? More safety. Feed the good wolf myname, feed the good wolf. K
I spent so much time alone as a kid, then lost both my parents at 16. Struggled a lot with intimacy and wanting to be close, but then fearing closeness. Had a very steady boyfriend in HS and his family was good to me. I burned that R in college.
Then was very VERY single and ALONE for many years....until I hooked up with H quite by accident. We had been in the same circle of friends for 5 years. Began hanging out and then married. I held him at arms length for years. Then in 2005 I discovered he was having an on-line A and he was wanting to meet up with her. I KNEW I needed to change and so I began to close the distance and finally allow myself to be intimate and IN LOVE with him!
THEN he had the real life A.
Painful as it all is, we are happier with each other, more connected now. I hurt about the A still.....sometimes overwhelmingly and then sometimes not. I do hope we will grow and change so that what it (A) feels and looks like now will become unrecognizable....and eventually not worth a thought.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
