Thanks for the feedback Kaffe and 2Step. I was busy yesterday (more on that in a moment) and didn't read you posts until this morning. I am going to stop the good night ritual. For me, it was a way of reassuring myself at the end of each day that I still love her and care for her despite all that has happened. But, I also know it stops me from moving on. I have slept in the middle of the bed and even on her side a couple times, but I will make a point of doing it more often.
As for accepting that she is happy and believing all of what I hear....well, let me try to explain. I think STBX is happy in many ways. She wanted OM/Boss for years. But, I also believe she isn't happy too. I think she actually loves both of us and eventually chose him, but now that she is there realizes how much she misses me. She could be with either one us and be happy, but would still be missing the other one. I know that sounds weird, but I really think that is where she is. Bottom line though - she has to live her current life for a while, before she can ever decide if it's the better of the two for her. I know that.
Yesterday wound up being a nice day. D19, her BF drove my Mom's new (to her) car up to her, while I drove in my car. We had a short visit. When we left my Mom hugged D19 and cried a little and said "my only granddaughter" and something like "one thing your Mom did right". Both D19 and I just let that one slide.
The drive home is about an hour and the 3 of us talked, stopped for fries from a fry truck, stopped at a candy/nut store. Then D19, her BF, S17, and I had dinner together. Later, we all went to Dairy Queen. It was a good family day and I went to bed feeling much better than the night before.
Of course, I thought about STBX missing out on days like that and how we should all be together. But, I also realized that if it wasn't for me and my actions, my kids wouldn't have anything like that anymore. I am proud of the Dad work I do.
Today, I feel pretty good again. Most days I feel that way. There is always that gnawing presence in my mind and heart, but it's no longer debilitating.
Had I remained dark and not spoke with STBX, I wouldn't even have gotten down and upset. I will go back to dark again now, but I also know that staying dark allows me to ignore some things and not really deal with them.
So...back to darkness it is until STBX b'day on June 23rd - or beyond that. I will have to make a decision on that.
